Sunday, July 23, 2006

Middle Eastern Nights

Agglomeration, Tinctorial, boudoir, Proscribe, Conflation, Melisma, Serology, Specious, Ostrobogulous, Aprosexia, Paraprosexia, Hyperprosexia, Asseclist, Onolatry, Iotacist, Criticaster, Macilent, Entermete, Oxter, Nithing, Isocracy, Kakistocracy, Sarvodaya, Satisdiction, Logomachy, Esoteric, Eustress.

Hello boys and girls. Today, we enter the magical Middle-Eastern Kingdom, where our valiant prince, who doesn't exist, fights to save his princess, who prefers not to be saved.

Once upon a time, there lived two Israelis.

When they were boys, they decided they wanted to protect their family from 'The Others', who had fought many short and brutal wars with their kings for many, many years.

For many, many years, they saw their king fighting with the most powerful of 'The Others', known as Yasser Arafat. Imbued with the powers of the magical Hatredstone, which is passed on to every Israeli at least once in their lifetime, the two boys joined the army, determined to destroy 'The Others' once and for all.

As they grew up, both men fought in the many sporadic battles, which were used as a rite of passage by Israel. In their culture, a boy would never become a man if he couldn't hate, if he couldn't kill...

In one of the countries in the Ring of Deserts, otherwise known as 'The Others' to the people of Israel, a middle-age man, wise beyond his years, and ruler of his people, sat alone in his palace listening to the screams and explosions beyond the iron grated windows.

There was nothing he could do to silence the screams for help, of pain, and of death. He could only listen, and with the magical device created by a sorcerer from times past known as a tv, watch his people suffer and die.

You see, the ruler was only the ruler of some of his people - for there were others who were only his people by name...

Weeks ago, the two Israeli soldiers, emboldened by the continual support of their allied nation, The Land Beyond the Sea, prepared for an increased assault on 'The Others' with the latest weapons provided by their king.

But as they were preparing for a first salvo into the country of 'The Others', people around them suddenly ducked and pulled out their guns.

The two soldiers did the same, but alas, it was too late. For, a group of heavily armed men had surrounded them, and were pulling them towards the dreaded land beyond.

Their screams for help fell on deaf ears, for the fighting was now a long distant away, beyond the ruined brick walls and sand dunes.

Now, the ruler of Lebanon, the country in which the two soldiers were being held, paced his office. A menagerie of aids followed him, throwing all sorts of suggestions and petitions. Telling of more death and destruction. Asking him for answers.

But he couldn't give any answer which would satisfy them.

For, it wasn't his people who had brought the wrath of the wretched cancer that was Israel. It was Hezbollah's doing, a virus-like network of cults who had kidnapped the two Israeli soldiers.

He tried to explain to the Israelis - but all they could offer was an advance warning to his people to abandon their homes before they struck at suspected Hezbollah hideouts.

But how could a ruler do that? They had chosen him to protect them, yet, now he was being forced to order them to abandon their homes.

The people of Lebanon were mostly poor factory workers, or menial laborers. It took them half their lives before they could own a house of their very own. Half their lives to build a family to fill those homes. Half their lives which meant next to nothing to the bullets and mortar shells that now pierced it.

In a flash, all they had built were now gone.

Their walls were now white pebbles, their roofs now air, their children now earth.

They didn't deserve this. They didn't make this mess, yet, it is they who pay the bloody sacrificial price.

Today, over 1500 have died as a result of this war. And it is simply a war repeated over the ages.

There will be no happy ending in this story.

For anyone.

Dead of the Week: 19
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 411

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Group Men

Sylph, Contusion, Concretion, Circumlocution, Sophomore, Gouge, Foment, Gammon, Albedo, Salp, Miscegenation, sine-qua-non, Hackneyed, Tractate, Hubris.

On this week's episode of A Stray World:
  • Malaysian High Performance Training Centre's (HPTC) an intelligence installation;
  • Israel goes to war with Lebanese civilians, offers a 7-for-17 deal;
  • Bush and Putin, an intimate evening.
Welcome to our weekly (slightly fake) pondering of world events. We start of with the much publicized and criticizes HPTC, which is to be based in London.

There has been much public outcry against the half-a-billion project proposed by the National Sports Council to give the best athletes in the country a chance to rub shoulders with the most famous athletes (whether active or not) in the world.

This also fulfils one of the nations goals which is to spend public funds on at least one project that is doomed to fail every year. A prime example of this successful failure is the very unpopular Tak Nak campaign.

The true objective of this grand investment in thin air however, is much, much, more important than any other project ever built in Malaysian history - as our undercover team has discovered.

According to our trusted sources, the NSC's true objective is to build an offshore intelligence agency where our country's best athletes are honed into our country's best liars.

"We know talent when we see one, and it's not good to waste talent," said a man who wanted to be interviewed facing our correspondent's back. "Tell me if you know of any other major group of individuals with more potential to become spies?"

Evidently, our nations athletes have been living a double life as under-achieving sportsmen during the day (or night depending on the event), and as elite government spies in between tournaments.

"Our athletes are our best candidates for infiltrating foreign government institutions; not just because they are the fittest people available for active duty, but also because of their tendency to be overlooked by foreign governments because of their under-achievements."

In fact, that is the exact reason our athletes don't usually excel on the international front. As soon as they are inducted into the national squad, they are compelled to under-achieve to keep a low profile when visiting foreign lands.

The HPTC will allow our athletes-cum-spies to infiltrate the British government anytime they feel like it, not that anyone would notice.

With that, A Stray World's editing team hopes to put to rest the other under-normal circumstances, suspicious course of actions such as approving a project without even disclosing the exact price.

To Lebanon, where Israel has struck a bargain with the Lebanese proletariat.

In a milestone event, Israeli spokesman Sid Humbug has announced a seven-for-seventeen deal, in which for every 7 Israelis killed by Hezbollah, the Israelis will kill another 17 Lebanese civilians.

"This is a great day, where we have proven that negotiations for peace will have a slight chance for peace if they should ever take place," said Humbug.

"The days of an-eye-for-an-eye are over!" proclaimed Mezupman, the Hezbollah spokesperson in a joint statement with Humbug.

"We must all understand that the value of human lives has changed a lot in the 21st century," said Humbug. "There was a time when overvalued and undervalued items were traded in equal quantities. We WILL NOT allow this to happen in this war!"

According to the press release, the 7-17 deal, as it is known, takes into account the fact that Hezbollah fighters consist of fanatical suicide bombers while Israeli soldiers are heavily protected by body armour and rarely get killed by terrorists.

"We hope this deal will bring our countries closer together. But for now, we will each accept the other with open arms."

To reinforce the solidarity of the new pact, Mezupman promptly fired a single bullet right between the eyes with Humbug's gun, thus making the quota of the day.

Finally, our hidden cameras in a men's lavatory on the fifth floor of a renowned Russian hotel caught stunning footages of Bush holding a closed-door meeting with Putin.

Here's the unedited transcript from the meeting:

Bush: You know, if you let me do yours I will let you do mine.
Putin: Comrade, I am sorry, but it won't work. I don't know how to do yours. I don't even think it works right.
Bush: Well, then let me do yours.
Putin: I am sorry, I am afraid you might break it.
Bush: Oh come on, I did Iraq and Afghanistan.
Putin: I know, that's why I won't let you play Russian president for a day.

Dead of the Week: 49
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 392

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Curl Flub

Curlicue, Pernicious, Mores, Snarf, Hinky, Haimish, Scrunchy, Trog, Linguica, Echt, Doula, Onomatopoeia.

On this weeks edition of, A Stray World:
  • Thousands of fishes die as North Korea launches Trojan horse missile into the ocean;
  • Member of Parliament receives official sponsorship from Mercedes;
  • The impotence of the European Union;
  • And why forest genocide is good for Malaysia.
We begin with the top news headliner of the 4th of July, where Kim Jong-il, the deity of North Korea, proclaimed that all the fishes in the Sea of Japan were "evil conspirators bent on killing the godly children of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea", and ordered their subsequent execution.

His generals then launched multiple "Made in Heaven's Land" missiles which seemed headed for Washington DC, but instead plunged into the ocean where North Korean soldiers (who were hiding within the missiles) disbursed and started slaughtering fishes with their latest model of Neolithic bone knives.

"Our far-seeing leader was actually out to get the denizens of the deep ocean, who have amassed huge biological weapons scavenged from the corpses of our people who have died from experimental medications," said a spokesman for the DPRK, who wished to be known as Mr So. "Due to the trajectory of the initial launch, we were not at all surprised that our neighbours complained about the loud noise. Rest assured, we are doing all in our power to ensure these systematic launches won't cause too much trouble for the Americans."

As to what evidence North Korea has to show for their claims that a huge invasion is about to take place, Mr So replied they had received their information the way the Americans did, through the CIA.

"The CIA has been very helpful for alerting us to this situation," replied Mr So. "They showed us documents written in what they called Atlantean, and helpfully translated them for us to reveal an elaborate plot to destroy the world."

"To thank them, our greatest missile holding all of our loyal soldiers was named the Taepodong, which is a play of the words "type of bong", which we all know is the number one question on the minds of every American who listens to rap."

Back on the local front.

The woes of Mohd. Said, a member of Parliament who couldn't get approval from Parliament to subsidies his foreign car purchases, will soon become a distant memory as Mercedes has announced an elaborate sponsorship scheme for MPs who use the name of their flagship product in their speeches every time they get the chance to speak in the august body.

"We realized the incredible amount of publicity this issue has generated, especially among the MPs," said a Mercedes spokesperson. "Rather than miss this opportunity, our managers decided to embark on a ruthless sponsorship scheme to promote Mercedes as the foreign car to own."

Replying to questions on whether or not this sort of unscrupulous advertising would tarnish the image of Parliament, Mercedes said: "Oh no. If anything, I am sure it will add to the image of Parliament as the best place in Malaysia to receive free gifts for saying inappropriate things. Very soon, Parliament will make Mercedes the official car of Malaysia for our help in drawing more people to become Parliament members."

Moving along, Pfizer International, the Nobel Award candidate , says it has plans to treat the EU's general "underperformance".

"We have succeeded in replicating the Blue Pill for the EU," came the bold announcement from Dr Ekam Evol. "As you all know, for years the EU has not been giving satisfying performances to his partners from the surrounding region. This can be seen in the recent invasion of Palestine by the Israelis."

"If we trace history, you will notice that every time there has been a war, there will always be a big erection, a great example would be Malaysia's very own Tugu Negara," offered Dr Evol. "Other examples are the Washington Memorial and the Statue of Liberty."

Obviously, this hasn't been the case in the EU, where since the defeat of France in the Battle of Waterloo, there have been no great erections in the region.

The consistent invasion of Palestine by Israel though, offers a unique opportunity in which the EU may experience erections once every two weeks, instead of the current once every two hundred years.

"As the EU has generally remained a neutral party in this conflict, they can theoretically double the number of erections they may have, provided they follow our medical plan," said Dr Evol with a sly wink. "Trust me. Under normal circumstances, every time someone's at war, you can bet your family jewels that someone is having an erection."

True enough. After all, why else would George W. Bush enter a new conflict every six months?

Coming back to our beloved country, we secured A Stray World exclusive letter from a prominent government official regarding forestry policies for the not-too-far future.

Here are the important points, highlighted by our tireless overworked hamster in the freezer:

"For the good of the nation, the rakyat should realise our country must increase the amount of land available for buildings. It doesn't matter that not even ten percent of the new buildings will have tenants, as long as we build, build, build.

This solves a lot of problems, namely, Malaysia's image as a developing nation.

As we all know, the measure of the development of a nation is consistent with the thickness of low-land cloud cover. For example, the New York smog and London's acid-tinged fog.

We mustn't forget that a successful nation usually has its rivers heavily polluted with industrial waste before she spends funds collected through taxes to clean them up. Anyone who has read the history of the Thames would know that.

Most developed countries, as you may have noticed, have little or no sanctuaries or green belts. This is because these lands have been converted into much more productive residential areas when entrepreneurial women sell their bodies and gangsters who rap all day long sell drugs.

Believe me, if we continue to resist the felling of our forests, we will NEVER be able to build entire towns of grey concrete filled with impoverished, obese, people.

Besides, we can also make back 0.001% of the accumulated and long term costs of the said projects if we cut down all the trees to make paper and furniture.

These plans are being quietly implemented by the government nationwide to ensure the developed nations do not find out and interfere in our country's development.

Just imagine, one day, we will no longer have river related accidents or deaths because no one will go swimming ever again and we will never have to organize search parties for foreigners lost in the jungle."

P.S. This entry is dedicated to Helen Pratt, the 300th person who died on television as a result of a blood clot which formed in her heart, shot up her brain, and killed her.

Dead of the Week: 44
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 343

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Mean-(M)isters

Erogenous, Gossamer, Hyrule, Antecedent, Pro Forma, Amorphous, Apoplast, Chutney, Oligopoly, Prolix, Nous, adsorption.

This week, on A Stray World:
  • 13 dogs shot dead, owner gets clean-up bill;
  • Healthy elephant successfully stressed and drugged to death, nobody takes credit;
  • Israel launches a rescue mission to save one of their own, unwittingly destroys Palestinian government in the process;
  • Bush meets Koizumi, no samurai claims assassination reward.
Welcome to your weekly edition of A Stray World. Today, we feature - heroes.

Last Thursday, the Seremban Municipal Council (SMC) displayed great heroics by successfully shooting dead 13 of 26 dogs belonging to an animal lover.

As we all know, people who display great love and affection for animals, like Mr. Eng Her Sun, make others around them angry as a result of suppressed jealousy due to their inability to feel compassion.

The take-down squad, heavily armed with weapons of every grade, were out to restore peace and harmony to the community - so much so that every dog shot was accompanied with whoops of joy and glee.

With each bullet costing US$0.30, rest assured that the billing of the sting operation to public funds will be limited to RM 5000.00, to prove that the government is serious about wasteful public spending.

"We will ensure the remaining 13 dogs are neutralized. Rest assured, we are doing everything in our power to ensure they are all wiped out," said a SMC spokesman, on condition of anonymity.

"These creatures bring nothing but trouble and suffering, even our holy book discourages handling them. For the dog lovers out there, you should be thankful that we, as responsible citizens of God, have chosen the noble path of ridding them from this earth."

Apparently, the SMC doesn't use metaphores.

"We plan to send the bodies of the dogs to space to ensure their genes no longer contaminate this earth."

Meanwhile, government cost saving methods ensured that as little funds as possible were used for the relocation of Mat Chepor last week, which proved to be a wise choice when the baby elephant died.

"We did all we could to make sure the elephant relocation was done with minimal expenditure, due to escalating oil prices, and the increase of foreign cars bought by government officials," said a senior government minister on assurances of anonymity. "We even managed to delay the arrival of the experts from PERHILITAN by six days by persuading them to walk to the site to conserve fuel. Heck, we even secured the services of a vet only when Mat Chepor showed signs of dying to cut back on medical fees!"

With everyday heroes like them, true heroes who won't even take credit for their deeds; rest assured that Malaysia will be in safe hands.

On the international front, we turn our hero-worthy lenses to the West Bank; where Israel, who have the greatest sense of loyalty and friendship in the world, have launched their full military might to rescue one of their own.

When Palestinian militants abducted Cpl Gilad Shalit last Sunday, Israel was outraged.

In fact, a few air force commanders were given a dishonourable discharge for not launching air strikes immediately.

Repeated attacks have been launched against the northern and southern lands of the Palestinian Authority. Some commandos have successfully penetrated the legions of fanatical suicide defenders (some as young as 10) in their incredibly ingenious fortresses designed to look like run down abodes and apartments and have destroyed these bunkers-of-mass-destruction.

Songs and praise of the Israelis will be written and performed from this day onward; forever reminding us that true friends will do anything for each other.

Meanwhile, A Stray World correspondent, Ahn Ser Mi, has secured an exclusive interview with a Japanese samurai who reportedly turned down an opportunity to slice temporary US President, George W. Bush, in half.

Ahn has the story.

Ahn :Can you give me your name, just for the record?
Samurai: Call me B.B.
Ahn :Okay... B.B. The members of the Pact of Tao have demanded an explanation as to why their hired hitman has not ended the life of "the unworthy swine Bush" as they put it. Why didn't you?
B.B. :Because, Bush has already corrupted the minds of our leaders. If I were to kill him, nothing would change.
Ahn :Is that the truth?
B.B. :No! (Sobs) Bush, he told Koizumi, that he was my father!
Ahn :What!
B.B. :He showed our leader a picture of a baby and said this was his illegitimate daughter in Japan. The baby was wearing a garish mauve kimono.

That's all for this weeks edition of A Stray World.

Next week, we find out whether or not Osama bin Laden sends Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards on a daily basis to Saddam Hussein and why America thinks its troops in Iraq should convert to Buddhism.

Good day, and good luck.

Dead of the Week: 19
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 299