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On this special edition of A Stray World, we explore the minds of President George W. Bush's top aids to find out their alternative top three ways to bring about peace in any conflict, regardless of the reasons; prepared exclusively for the Malaysian audience.
Method 1: Accelerating Mass of Stones and Pebbles
You know, nothing brings humanity closer together than a good old end-of-the-world story. End of the world affairs such as the memorable Armageddon which introduced Aerosmith to Malaysians have proven that in times of great peril, everyone stops fighting and awaits death.
To execute this plan however, we must first identify a suitable Near-Earth object (NEO) as part of our peace process.
Using the data provided by NASA's NEO Program, we will settle for object 2001 UP, a NEO measuring 20 metres to 44 metres which will approach to within 12.3 LD (1 Lunar Distance = 384000 km) to Earth.
Since we are only trying to create a peaceful region and not a peaceful world, a 20 metre to 44 metre object will b e sufficient.
Let's select a region of incessant conflict like, oh I don't know..The Middle-East? We must then select a high-profile target to destroy that brings the best chance of peace.
Remember, this is only a technological upgrade to the current method of blowing-everyone-into -human-fertilizer peace process.
The only target that comes to mind will of course be the contested city of Jerusalem. A place of worship for three religions also happens to be a place of conflict for three religions. The only solution, naturally, is to destroy this evil instigator of war.
By launching a highly dense object close to 2001 UP, the NEO may be guided into the general vicinity of Jerusalem; where it may or may not hit the jackpot.
Either way, prior to the destruction of the city or the settlements around it, news of the event will cause everyone to drop arms, huddle against one another, and engage in mass orgies unseen in this part of the region since Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain.
Depending on the accuracy of the projectile, after the Holy City, or the holy settlements around the holy region is reduced to holy rubble, the (surviving) inhabitants will hopefully remember how enjoyable sex was when they figured the world was coming to an end and never fire another bullet again.
Method 2: Pseudo Tsunami
Building upon my colleague's previous method for bringing everlasting peace, I wish to draw attention to the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004, where separatist factions and the government of Indonesia and Sri Lanka arranged an immediate no-strings-attached ceasefire upon noticing the huge number of dead bodies and debris surfing the waves.
Let's not forget the unprecedented financial, medical, and military aid provided by the international community to the survivors of the natural disaster.
This is a map of the Middle-East:
On this special edition of A Stray World, we explore the minds of President George W. Bush's top aids to find out their alternative top three ways to bring about peace in any conflict, regardless of the reasons; prepared exclusively for the Malaysian audience.
Method 1: Accelerating Mass of Stones and Pebbles
You know, nothing brings humanity closer together than a good old end-of-the-world story. End of the world affairs such as the memorable Armageddon which introduced Aerosmith to Malaysians have proven that in times of great peril, everyone stops fighting and awaits death.
To execute this plan however, we must first identify a suitable Near-Earth object (NEO) as part of our peace process.
Using the data provided by NASA's NEO Program, we will settle for object 2001 UP, a NEO measuring 20 metres to 44 metres which will approach to within 12.3 LD (1 Lunar Distance = 384000 km) to Earth.
Since we are only trying to create a peaceful region and not a peaceful world, a 20 metre to 44 metre object will b e sufficient.
Let's select a region of incessant conflict like, oh I don't know..The Middle-East? We must then select a high-profile target to destroy that brings the best chance of peace.
Remember, this is only a technological upgrade to the current method of blowing-everyone-into -human-fertilizer peace process.
The only target that comes to mind will of course be the contested city of Jerusalem. A place of worship for three religions also happens to be a place of conflict for three religions. The only solution, naturally, is to destroy this evil instigator of war.
By launching a highly dense object close to 2001 UP, the NEO may be guided into the general vicinity of Jerusalem; where it may or may not hit the jackpot.
Either way, prior to the destruction of the city or the settlements around it, news of the event will cause everyone to drop arms, huddle against one another, and engage in mass orgies unseen in this part of the region since Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain.
Depending on the accuracy of the projectile, after the Holy City, or the holy settlements around the holy region is reduced to holy rubble, the (surviving) inhabitants will hopefully remember how enjoyable sex was when they figured the world was coming to an end and never fire another bullet again.
Method 2: Pseudo Tsunami
Building upon my colleague's previous method for bringing everlasting peace, I wish to draw attention to the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004, where separatist factions and the government of Indonesia and Sri Lanka arranged an immediate no-strings-attached ceasefire upon noticing the huge number of dead bodies and debris surfing the waves.
Let's not forget the unprecedented financial, medical, and military aid provided by the international community to the survivors of the natural disaster.
This is a map of the Middle-East:
As you can see, there is a body of water conveniently placed close to the states currently in conflict.
By detonating a nuclear bomb on the pretext of weapons testing, we should be seeing a huge wall of salt water crashing into the coasts of Lebanon and Israel, with the possibility of giving Cyprus a good old wipe-out; a slight peppering of Syria to the North; and if we are lucky, see an early flooding of the Nile.
Think of it as the C-section to the birth pangs of an emerging new Middle East.
Method 3: The Condi Recital
There is little in life more entertaining than watching aggressive politicians known for their Mona-Lisa-after-vinegar-smile with specious arguments of birth-pangs displaying the results of piano lessons forced upon them by their parents.
It is during these moments that we truly understand why they will suck more than a hospital-grade rental electric breast pump if they should release an album.
By calling upon the Bush Administration to organise a "Calls for Immediate Ceasefire" concert with the United Nation's and ASEAN's ongoing "We Strongly Urge, Condemn, and Understand" bake sale, this author hopes to unite the peoples of the Middle East to enjoy the greatest tomato pelting, ginger-ale quaffing food fight on the planet.
Due to the close proximity of the proposed event to the Dead Sea, various pickled collector items will be found on market shelves worldwide soon after the peaceful event.
All proceeds will of course, be used to rebuild wartorn countries raped by generations of war.
Think of it as the baby shower held after a particularly hard pregnancy where the father was locked up in prison with a glass shrapnel embedded in his right eye.
P.S. My security advisor advised me to lay low for a while last week due to my weakened physical condition as a result of a four-hour 22 kilometre exertion during last Sunday's Penang International Bridge Marathon.
Fortunately, the beer chugging assassin sent to finish me off couldn't find his way to LAX and ended up inebriated and stranded somewhere in Nebraska.
P.P.S. Regarding the recent decision by the Malaysian government to betray its promise not to censor the web; I can only say if I am arrested for this entry, or for any previous entry, it will be wise to conclude that these people lack the ability to distinguish between satire and truth - which are both very different things...
Dead of the Week: 26
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 437
1 comment:
awwwwww, u can always feign innocence should they try to clamp you.
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