Fashionable Joys

Poulaines, Egress, Ingress.

This week on A Stray World:

• Storming Doha, Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong;
• KBMC No Longer Tolerates Indecent Dressing, Fines for Out of Season Attires;
• Kota Baru, Kuantan Most Porn Surfers, State Governments Declare Success.

Good day, and welcome to your weekly edition of A Stray World. We begin our coverage with the mostly underachieving badminton squad in Doha.

From the day I was born, badminton has always occupied a special place in my heart, even after my friendly neighbours actively isolated me from their social activities which included the sport.

For the first few years, I grew up with the mistaken impression that my generation's badminton players were world beaters. However, 18 long years of defeat after defeat (with occasional, rare victories) has left me understandably, less than hopeful of a success in Doha.

Every time I read "Malaysia hopes to avoid China" in the sports section of The Star, I can't help voicing my thoughts out loud: "If we are world beaters, why must we actively seek avoiding the strong teams?"

Fortunately, the wait for genuine success finally ended for me early this morning.

The young pair of Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong clinched gold in the doubles event; after destroying the world champions from China, and two formidable and respected Indonesian pairs.

Genuine success! I haven't felt this happy since the Republicans lost the mid-term elections.

Though it was almost two hours after midnight, I was punching and kicking the air with every point earned, earned!

Congratulations to the lads! I hope this won't be a one time only performance. Remember Hafiz and the All-England Tournament?

Back to stately affairs, we focus our lenses on Kelantan, the most Taliban-like state in Malaysia.

Due to intolerable fashion sense, the Kota Baru Municipal Council (KBMC) has taken the unenviable task of fining repeat offenders.

"These women are courting disaster," said a low ranking official from the KBMC. "When I was Afghanistan, the women dressed in-season all year round. Their all black and all blue burqas were stunning to say the least. The heavy black cloth covered every square centimetre of their body, hiding their feet, eyes and hair."

When pointed out these raiment were standard attire ever since the Taliban regime came to power, he had this to say: "Don't you know, black burqas have been the in-thing for the past 10 years. We are only trying to catch up."

He continued: "The things women wear these days are completely disrespectful to Islam. The clothes they wear now are clearly too comfortable. We men of Kelantan have to avert our eyes whenever one of these prostitutes strays in front of us. While the t-shirt, skirt, jeans, headscarf and Mickey Mouse socks cover the skin, we can identify them from the bulges in the fabric that they are female. We want to ensure these women resemble walking bedsheets as much as possible to prevent them from becoming objects of beauty and desire.

Ultimately, we want them to follow our commands so they won't be attacked or raped by law-abiding men. The fact that we are even talking about this subject shows how much we care about the dignity and respect of women.

Ask yourself, don't you think the men of Al-Qaeda are a lucky bunch when they don't have hear that utterly hateful question: Honey, do I look fat in this dress?"

On a separate note, Google Trends just released a report on porn related search in Malaysia.

Evidently, Kota Baru and Kuantan top the list for most porn related search.

State officials have taken this opportunity to congratulate themselves on not just bridging the technological gap between the traditionally backward East Coast states and West Coast states, but trumping the West for the very first time.

"We are so proud of ourselves, we couldn't have achieved this without everybody's contribution," said a state religious official. "For may years, I have always whipped my sons whenever I see them looking at naked women, now I regret those awful moments... Knowing now I should have been more supportive of his behaviour.

"I know. I will begin browsing those sites too from today onwards," said another state official. "The report even says Kelantanese use English terms such as 'sex' and 'porn' while the other states only use Malay terms. Some states even displays specific searches targeting Malay women. This shows the people of Kota Baru, the first Islamic City in Malaysia, are more open-minded than the people in other states. This also vindicates our state governments active gender discrimination policy, which seeks to wipe out women or anything resembling the female anatomy from the streets of Kelantan."

There are, however, a few disgruntled voices from the Kelantanese.

"I don't go for porn," a bold teenager stated. "My dad and his pals have been doing it for years. Ever since the state government issued edicts preventing my mother from undressing, my father and other husbands have been forced to 'seek the female form' elsewhere."

"They tried Thai prostitutes," he continued, "but the state government arrested him. Now he knows better, he surfs for porn using my Internet account."

Dead of the Week: 14
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 976