Tuesday, December 19, 2006

And The End

My monitor flickered,
Then it whimpered,
Before it turned black,
Now hit the sack!

Folks, I'm sorry. But its nigh impossible for me to update my post with a dead monitor. So until then, A Stray World will be on hold.

Unless of course, someone out there wishes to contribute articles.

Only requirement:
You have to write parodies.

Happy non-denominational Winter Holidays and a Happy New Year.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Fashionable Joys

Poulaines, Egress, Ingress.

This week on A Stray World:

  • Storming Doha, Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong;
  • KBMC No Longer Tolerates Indecent Dressing, Fines for Out of Season Attires;
  • Kota Baru, Kuantan Most Porn Surfers, State Governments Declare Success.
Good day, and welcome to your weekly edition of A Stray World. We begin our coverage with the mostly underachieving badminton squad in Doha.

From the day I was born, badminton has always occupied a special place in my heart, even after my friendly neighbours actively isolated me from their social activities which included the sport.

For the first few years, I grew up with the mistaken impression that my generation's badminton players were world beaters. However, 18 long years of defeat after defeat (with occasional, rare victories) has left me understandably, less than hopeful of a success in Doha.

Every time I read "Malaysia hopes to avoid China" in the sports section of The Star, I can't help voicing my thoughts out loud: "If we are world beaters, why must we actively seek avoiding the strong teams?"

Fortunately, the wait for genuine success finally ended for me early this morning.

The young pair of Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong clinched gold in the doubles event; after destroying the world champions from China, and two formidable and respected Indonesian pairs.

Genuine success! I haven't felt this happy since the Republicans lost the mid-term elections.

Though it was almost two hours after midnight, I was punching and kicking the air with every point earned, earned!

Congratulations to the lads! I hope this won't be a one time only performance. Remember Hafiz and the All-England Tournament?

Back to stately affairs, we focus our lenses on Kelantan, the most Taliban-like state in Malaysia.

Due to intolerable fashion sense, the Kota Baru Municipal Council (KBMC) has taken the unenviable task of fining repeat offenders.

"These women are courting disaster," said a low ranking official from the KBMC. "When I was Afghanistan, the women dressed in-season all year round. Their all black and all blue burqas were stunning to say the least. The heavy black cloth covered every square centimetre of their body, hiding their feet, eyes and hair."

When pointed out these raiment were standard attire ever since the Taliban regime came to power, he had this to say: "Don't you know, black burqas have been the in-thing for the past 10 years. We are only trying to catch up."

He continued: "The things women wear these days are completely disrespectful to Islam. The clothes they wear now are clearly too comfortable. We men of Kelantan have to avert our eyes whenever one of these prostitutes strays in front of us. While the t-shirt, skirt, jeans, headscarf and Mickey Mouse socks cover the skin, we can identify them from the bulges in the fabric that they are female. We want to ensure these women resemble walking bedsheets as much as possible to prevent them from becoming objects of beauty and desire.

Ultimately, we want them to follow our commands so they won't be attacked or raped by law-abiding men. The fact that we are even talking about this subject shows how much we care about the dignity and respect of women.

Ask yourself, don't you think the men of Al-Qaeda are a lucky bunch when they don't have hear that utterly hateful question: Honey, do I look fat in this dress?"

On a separate note, Google Trends just released a report on porn related search in Malaysia.

Evidently, Kota Baru and Kuantan top the list for most porn related search.

State officials have taken this opportunity to congratulate themselves on not just bridging the technological gap between the traditionally backward East Coast states and West Coast states, but trumping the West for the very first time.

"We are so proud of ourselves, we couldn't have achieved this without everybody's contribution," said a state religious official. "For may years, I have always whipped my sons whenever I see them looking at naked women, now I regret those awful moments... Knowing now I should have been more supportive of his behaviour.

"I know. I will begin browsing those sites too from today onwards," said another state official. "The report even says Kelantanese use English terms such as 'sex' and 'porn' while the other states only use Malay terms. Some states even displays specific searches targeting Malay women. This shows the people of Kota Baru, the first Islamic City in Malaysia, are more open-minded than the people in other states. This also vindicates our state governments active gender discrimination policy, which seeks to wipe out women or anything resembling the female anatomy from the streets of Kelantan."

There are, however, a few disgruntled voices from the Kelantanese.

"I don't go for porn," a bold teenager stated. "My dad and his pals have been doing it for years. Ever since the state government issued edicts preventing my mother from undressing, my father and other husbands have been forced to 'seek the female form' elsewhere."

"They tried Thai prostitutes," he continued, "but the state government arrested him. Now he knows better, he surfs for porn using my Internet account."

Dead of the Week: 14
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 976

Sunday, December 03, 2006

See the Light

Scoliosis, modus vivendi, Dialectics, Assignation, Simoon, Tarn, Idolatrous.

This week, on A Stray World:
  • Rufaqa Corp, a Study of a Study.
Modern society is a pain in the perineum. Therefore, it is understandable why people would slip into the comforting cot of religion to seek solace and meaning to the inanities of life.

Religion, no doubt, has been a huge contributor to humanity's follies, and successes.

Follies:The crusades, Al-Qaeda, Iraq, Tamil Tigers, Pope Benedict and his misquoted reading of the evils of Islam.

Successes:Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama.

As they say, things come and go, and that has been the way in the evolution of religion. First came deitified inanimate objects, e.g., Ayer's Rock. Then, god organizations, e.g., Zeus, his wife Hera, his children, stepchildren, brothers and sisters etc.

Finally, we were introduced to the soloists.

After a few thousand years of warfare as a direct result of religious differences, we have finally found peace in warfare as a direct result of religious differences.

It is therefore, quite understandable why the powers that be would wish to put an end to the development of new religions.

As ancient history has shown, how the image of Buddha was adopted from the Greek god Apollo, Al-Arqam adopted an image of Islam.

Al-Arqam, and its succesor, Rufaqa' Corporation, are centred around Ashaari bin Muhammad bin Idris bin Ali bin Malae bin Abdul Kadir (AbMbIbAbMbAK).

According to his personal website on www.rufaqa.com, AbMbIbAbMbAK was a person born of noble blood, which means no cattle blood had ever been introduced into his family, unlike the rest of us.

Apparently, a well known but unheard of teacher of Islam predicted after his death, all of us would be as aimless as motherless chicks until the appearence someone named Ashaari...

After a few decades, a boy was born, and he was named Ashaari after daddy dreamt about an island. He grew up in the unmodernized village of Kampung Pilin.

Just like the ancient fable of racial unity through selected injustice the government has foisted onto us, Pilin was an untouched Utopia. Here, in a rural impoverished stretch of dirt where any hope of watching The Sound of Music died like birds with SARS, the villager's children are equally shared.

Everyone in the village was a parent, and any child may be apprehended and beaten while tied to the end of an ox.

In abject poverty, these people would cannibalize the weak until trees bore fruit, where they would become docile creatures upholding the traditional Malaysian values of giving and sharing the bounty.

By the time AbMbIbAbMbAK was 17, he had learnt everything he needed to know about life in a creepy rural village.

He went to the best school he could think of, pre-9/11 Arabian school. After attaining his Certificate of Enlightenment, AbMbIbAbMbAK decided it was time he became a leader to all the motherless chicks in Miami.

A wrongly purchased plane ticket later, AbMbIbAbMbAK set foot on the godless land of Malaysia, where he began running his "true path of God" business through Al-Arqam.

Soon, the Malaysian government and their misguided Islamic arm declared AbMbIbAbMbAK's teachings as deviationist, and with the grace of another god, pulverized Al Arqam in 1994.

AbMbIbAbMbAK though was a man possessed. He would not give up his vision of leading motherless chicks. Rufaqa' Corporation was established in 1997, and by practising the tenets found in God's Guide to Business for the Carzy and Maimed, saw his company grow by 1000% every year (at the expense of a few praiseworthy people who willingly parted with their life savings for a reach-god-quick-scheme).

Rufaqa expanded worldwide, and held nasheed concerts throughout the world. Even Prime Minister John Howard was touched by the soul enhancing and human illuminating concerts in Australia.

Rufaqa also busied itself holding brainwashing camps for young men and women and creating AbMbIbAbMbAK approved developments throughout the country.

It has also launched a book detailing the miraculous birth and life of AbMbIbAbMbAK, handicraft approved by AbMbIbAbMbAK, herbs patented by AbMbIbAbMbAK and AbMbIbAbMbAK friendly tourist packages.

So after exhibiting nothing but excellent acumen in business and a life lived in the image of god, the government has seen fit to shut AbMbIbAbMbAK down once more.

But fret not, like that cynical god-bashing skeptic who believes in the natural predisposition for all living things to freely select mates with preferable traits to be passed on to their children and eventually incorporated into the species so they may adapt more successfully into their environment, AbMbIbAbMbAK will be back.

Dead of the Week: 11
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 962

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Free Flight

Prophylactic, Obstreperous, Alacrity, Couturier, Gallivant.

This week on, A Stray World:
  • RM 47million Heist, Microchips Believed to be in Malaysia.
Only one issue makes it to the frontal lobes of your polemic authors brain this week. There are other issues of interest, but since watching CSI, I have been conditioned into a completely impartial observer which has deprived me of any ability to clear anyone of innocence or guilt in the Mongolian Murder case.

MPK councilors have been sworn in, but it is a non-issue because they will most certainly carry out their duties in a responsible manner by serving the public interest.

That leaves us with what has been said to be the biggest heist ever in Malaysian history.

Early Tuesday, four men dressed in RELA uniforms sashayed into the MASKargo Complex on the grounds on illegal immigrant hunting, a popular pastime here in Malaysia.

You see, illegal immigrant hunters do not require warrants or licenses to carry out their raids, since our nation practises a zero illegals at all costs policy.

Occasionally, white people are targets of these volunteer groups because they are married, not Muslims, and sleep together.

These white folk even have the gall to promote this country to their fellow countrymen! Don't they know school children in Malaysia are taught to write pengaruh budaya Barat (Western Culture) as one of the main reasons why criminals are multiplying, dissenting opinions threatening national harmony are being aired and reality singing contests are producing effeminate, impotent singers.

Back to the pseudo-RELA officers.

These elite team penetrated the heavy defenses of MASKargo to quite literally open the doors for the Greek army waiting outside.

Even MASKargo security, consisting a 2.000 strong army failed to mount any credible resistance to the 20 strong invaders.

Lo and behold! It turned out the group of robbers belonged to non other than the imfamous Mamak Gang, whose fearless skill and ingenious strategies rival the Gays and Lesbians Gang of America and the Chocolate Nutcases of France.

The no guns policy laid down by their commanders meant they could only use non deadly chloroform and white milky substances to subdue the workers.

Security officers from MASKargo had this to say:

"We weren't allowed to lay down security measures. How could we have guarded the facility?"

"It's not my fault. It's my mother who did it!"

"Heist? (yawn...) There was a heist?"

Dead of the Week: 7
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 951

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Rotten Stem of the Tongue

Chronobiology, Rumbustious



This week, on A Stray World:

  • Gasing in Space, a Malaysian First;
  • UMNO and the Great Agenda.

Malaysians nationwide rejoiced as the government revealed a planned experiment to test for harmful gases below the Spacecraft Maximum Allowable Concentration (SMAC) index.



Certain items may give off gases that under earthly conditions, remain harmless. In space though, the polar opposite may occur, where wooden objects like a certain Malay wooden toy known as the gasing in its native language may become a biological time bomb.



The same applies for the batu seremban and very much so for the durian (which certainly exceeds the SMAC with what some have described as rotten cheese with caramel.)



This explains why the Malaysian astronaut will be testing out these items when he finally reaches space.



Come on, no government except North Korea would consider playing traditional games in space at the cost US$ 25 million in hard cash and US$900 million worth of jet fighters.



That will be ludicrous beyond belief!



Had I read something like that in a nationally published English daily, I would have laughed till blood came out of my nose.



As our intrepid reporter Ahn Ser Mi found out while skirting the high-end streets of Kuala Lumpur, many actually failed to read between the lines.



Lu: "They are going to play gasings in space? We are a muhibbah nation, they should be playing go and doing the silamban too!"



Akim: "We have a space program that will eventually lead us to the Astrolympics. Way cool."



Moving on.



The UMNO General Assembly is a mildly respectable event for Malay leaders to air their concerns and views.



Being the majority race with limitless power, it is therefore understandable that these group of people need never be afraid of controversial views.



This offers a unique opportunity to bring true change to the country.



For reasons of brevity and amusement, I will now combine all the most productive and supported views during this illuminating event.



"We must stay strong and united as a single entity under the all uniting banner of Islam and Malay Rights.



We will always allow the freedom of religion for the other races but prevent our own from being contaminated with these inferior religions. After all, Islam is the One and True path to God. All non-Muslims therefore must realise Islam supersedes all other religions and to call it equal in stature would be seditious and detrimental to national harmony.



We must also unite in protecting one of our own. Even though the Datuk erred in his placement of his illegally built palace, we shouldn't let the other races attack him as an attack on him is an attack against UMNO. To our fellow brethren who have joined forces with these people, you are hereby branded traitors and will shortly be visited by the Parliamentary Whip.



Due to the recent uproar over the bumiputra stake, we have also confirmed rumours that our actual target is over 70% control of the nations economy. As soon as this target is reached, we will then aim for 99% control of the nation's economy and not 100% because we know the other races still need the 1% to survive.



We also state our moderate policies are for the benefit of all. For many long years, we have continued to ignore pollution, unsustainable development, and waste management and we strive to continue to ignore these issues so we may all discuss the equal distribution of wealth in this country.



Thank you and long live Tanah Melayu!"



Dead of the Week: 61

Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 944

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Teeth

Contranym, Bandolier, trompe l'oeil, Swill, Lanyard, Hummel.

In our quest to rid this world of evil, this week, A Stray World looks at a recent debate in Malaysia and how they will shape the world for the better; and a frivolous article for reasons known only to me.

  • Bangsa Malaysia: the Ambiguous Dream;
  • The Dissection of Japanese Anime
Courtesy of The Star:

JOHOR BARU: The implementation of a wrongly interpreted concept of Bangsa Malaysia will jeopardise the stability and Constitution of the country, Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman said.

In his policy speech at the Johor Umno convention, Abdul Ghani questioned the need for the different races in the country to be ethnically diluted or mixed up (dileburkan untuk menjadi rojak) merely for a concept that was still hazy in its meaning.

“After 49 years of Independence, we should be mature enough not to try and introduce vague and unclear concepts.

“The term Bangsa Malaysia continues to be lauded by our friends under the name of unity and understanding without proper thought for its definition,” he said.

He reiterated that even if the term Bangsa Malaysia had to be used, it should be limited to the definition of the people of Malaysia with the Malays as the main race.

Abdul Ghani said that the Constitution did not encompass the concept of Bangsa Malaysia with the only definition of the different races being “Malays, Sarawak and Sabah bumiputeras as well as other races”.


After reading through that, I am inclined to agree that's where we are heading. After all, what's a future without a bit of honest fragmentation.

Don't believe me? Then take a look at the recent US mid-term elections.

Basically, these purveyors of democracy and freedom have produced some of the most racy um... material since the Klu Klux Klan.

There's the Republican ad targeting Harold Ford Jr. which implies black men steal white women from dirty white men.

Now, how different is that from the governments policy of taking a compulsory 30% stake in any non-Malay owned company (which means a non-Malay established the company).

Oh right, one is trying to portray a minority taking a majority while our local version is about the majority stealing from the minority.

See, if a modern developed nation known for democracy actively seeks to divide the people based on their skin colour, what's wrong with doing the same thing here?

Dividing people does have a proven track record. Observe how the good old British Imperialists divided India into India and Pakistan.

Yes, they were oh so right. Gandhi was soooooo wrong. Two people of differing faiths could never co-exist in peace and harmony. You need to cut them up, paint them different shades of yellow ochre, then steal money from one to give to the other.

For that, is the way to harmony.

Moving on.

Independence Day this year was special cubed because of the official launch of Animax.

Without wasting bandwidth, here are my top picks:

Jigoku Shoujo
It means hell girl. The premise is if you have a grudge against someone, for the price of being sent to hell upon death, you may send the said person to hell immediately.

The hooker: What would compel anyone to pay the ultimate price?

The moral lesson: I will never hold a grudge against anyone ever again.


The Law of Ueki
The story: Guy gets power to turn trash into trees by a candidate for God.

Apparently, God is retiring and He has chosen to hold a bizarre competition where tomatoes become lava bombs and foreheads turn into diamonds to choose His successor.

The hooker: Seeing a guy fighting by turning trash into trees.

The moral lesson: Always pick up trash lying on the ground. You never know when it might come in handy.

Gunslinger Girl
The story: A secret Italian government agency "fixes" broken girls; then trains them to become the perfect cyborg killers.

The hooker: We are looking at the perfect killer. Even if one of them is pointing a sub-machine gun in your face, could you shoot a child?

How wrong is that?

The lesson: Many. It's a social satire, you have to see it for yourself.

That's all for now, hope I'm still publishing next week.

Dead of the Week: 15
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 883

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Waking Up

Perfunctory, Lariat, Mirthful, bon vivant, Extirpation, Rector, Quiescent, Libertine, Dissolute, Riposte, Percolate, Callipygian, Internist, Parable, Elision, Pernickety, Oleaginous.

It has been a while, hasn't it. Who would have thought the UPS unit I purchased for my PC wouldn't protect it from a blackout?

But, to quote the Menok-i Khrat:

"...though one be armed with the valour and strength of wisdom and knowledge, yet it is not possible to strive against fate."

I am using a six-year old computer running Windows ME. Statistical data meant the probability of my computer experiencing a nervous breakdown was long overdue.

It amazes me how quickly things have changed since logging out of the cyber world - it took me one week to catch up.

But hey! I am now proudly surfing the web on the spanking-new Firefox 2.0 while writing my blog using the Performancing add-on.

The main draw: A built in spell checker!

Animax has finally arrived on Astro (local satellite broadcasting network), meaning I have nothing more to look forward to in life.

You see, logging off from the Internet forced me to take a break from the sorrows of the world to my own woes.

Your confidence in the inherent "goodness" that lies in this world is pummeled into wood pulp when you realise humanity just doesn't deserve to exist.

Here we are, on the threshold of complete annihilation as a result of mismanaged resources, global warming, famine, extinction and poverty, and all our elders can think about is how much money we will be losing.

It would be wise to remember money is but an abstract representation of power, not the essence of power.

This week, my Form Six end of the year examinations begin - don't wish me good luck.

The entire exercise is as you recall, meaningless work.

I will be striving (actually, my mates will be striving) to earn good results from the MUET, Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics and PA papers.

For two years, we will be expected to do nothing but study these subjects.

And by study, I mean no television, no Internet, no books (other than the above mentioned subjects), no friends, no outings, no life.

We certainly are learning a lot.

Dead of the Week: 116
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 868

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Friday, September 29, 2006

Gone But Not Forgotten

My computer is dead;
A blackout, a brownout,
Its lost its head.

Until the heir,
A Stray World will be in limbo.

Oh brothers wise and fair,
Look on with hands akimbo.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

On Caprice

Concomitants, Labyrinthine, Seguidilla, Spiel, Debar, Abut, Pellucid, Tenon, Mortise, Prandial, Remit, Subsume, Fratello, Cloying.

This week, on A Stray World:
  • The STPM, The Staple Torture of Pondering Men;
"The great revamp, it's coming! It's coming!" argues an incredulously optimistic lad. He believes the government knows what is best, and that all adults should continue voting for the same political party till the end of time.

Believe it or not, those sentiments are the general direction of my thoughts during Form One.

Things have changed now that I am in Form Six. Since those dark days of complete subservience, I have renounced government, god and gratification. I shall christen these my 3-ve G's.

Now that I have grown an adult brain, I will attempt to reconstruct the very situation which resulted in the creation of the STPM.

In a dark and dilapidated room, a man holding a dart sits on his wheelchair staring up at the picture of his ungrateful son.

With a swift throw the man plunges the needle of the dart into his son's forehead.

"You know what, let's make it harder for students to enter university," said the man to the then Education Minister. "Maybe they will be more grateful to us parents and continue the family coffin-making business after they realise its too damn hard to achieve straight-A's."

"Sure," said the minister, who was incidentally planning a way to give the bumiputra's further advantages in education.

And poof, we have the STPM. An examination whose sole purpose is to frustrate generations upon generations of students deemed unworthy of choosing the subjects they wish to study.

While the bumiputras receive a virtually guaranteed university ticket through their one year matriculation courses (some swift ones via SPM results), the unfortunate too-brilliant for their own good student community with slightly paler skin tones took their knowledge elsewhere.

While the incredible debts to MARA piled up, the other Malaysians, alienated by their own place of birth, took to the skies, and never came back.

Back on Earth, a new generation of STPM candidates prepare themselves for two more years of meaningless work.

Meaningless work, noun. Definition: Commonly referred to huge investments in time and energy to something completely unnecessary and meaningless, with the illusion that the person committed to the work is being productive.

Consider this, a sample question of the SAT. The examination almost all American students are required to sit to enter university:

If 44 is the average (arithmetic mean) of x, x, x, 35, and 65, then x =

  1. 40
  2. 42
  3. 44
  4. 48
  5. 50
Wow, I can see now why American universities consider the STPM inferior to the SAT.

So here I am, a candidate for the STPM, where success means scoring straight A's with a 4.0 CGPA and hopefully getting the courses requested in the university of choice.

STPM success also means suppression of the mature mind in favour of those innocent wide-eye childhood years where you consume whatever you are asked to eat.

Failure is when straight A students fail to obtain their courses of choice for no apparent reason other than praying to the wrong god.

This compounded by the fact employers prefer college graduates to their STPM counterparts, although the college kids choose the subjects they wish to study themselves, as opposed to the streaming system of Form Six where the subjects are chosen by the more knowing government.

Questions... Questions... Questions....

Oh well, let's forget about it and continue studying. We simply aren't mature enough to choose yet.

By the way, you might like to try this site, everyday.

Dead of the Week: 11
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 752

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Irwin

Concatenate, Briar, Claptrap, Caravanserai.

"These Hitlers use the camouflage of science to make money out of animals… So whenever they murder our animals and call it sustainable use, I'll fight it. Since when has killing a wild animal, eating it or wearing it, ever saved a species?

There are people who butt out their cigarettes in gorilla-paw ashtrays, with wastepaper baskets that were once elephant feet, who have ivory ornaments… who wear cheetah fur. Don't buy these things! Then there'll be no market and the animals won't be killed.

We have domesticated livestock raised for consumption and perfectly good fake leather and fur, so why must we kill wild animals to satisfy the macabre taste of some rich person?"
- Steve Irwin

(22 September 1962 - 4 September 2006)

Conservation with action was the way Steve Irwin did his job.

From wrestling alligators on television, buying huge tracts of land for conservation, giving candid interviews on talk shows, to managing Australia Zoo; he didn't just preach conservation, he was conservation.

While the expedient actions of our nation's politicians continue to dumbfound us with their blatantly ludicrous projects, Steve showed us all you didn't need to be a man-in-office to get things done.

You didn't even need RM 400.00 business suits or speak proper English.

Steve Irwin heralded a change in filming nature. While Sir David Attenborough was content with walking through jungles entertaining us with the stories of its denizens, Steve got involved with the stories.

With his death, Mother Nature has lost one of its most outspoken voice.

Sure, good old Steve and his conservation groups are enjoying the greatest windfall ever from his sudden death.

It won't last.

We will soon forget the man, forget the mission, and remember we have wars to fight, forests to burn, mosques to build...

Little wonder why the Perak and Sabah State Government can still carry out unsupervised and approved deforestation practises.

It is a sad fact that no matter how many Steve Irwins are born, people will be more preoccupied with the bust size of the next Hollywood starlet, the littlests squabbles of our neighbours, and the love scandals of our close circle of friends.

It sickens me:
  • When the people elected never give a thought to the welfare of the environment until it's too late;
  • When the people choose a neighbouring country's concrete safari over their own parks;
  • When we stop seeing.
The next time you plan your holiday, take a trip to the Belum-Temenggor National Park.

The reason: You might never see it again.

Dead of the Week: 22
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 741

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Realism

Raffish, Gaudy, Pejorative, Mitigate, Surfeit, Coquette, Eschews, Creolised, Pidgin, Pontificate, Dogmatism, Contiguous, Repast.

This week, on A Stray World:
  • A Speech
In schools, we are given guidelines on how to write speeches, with the customary greetings, the presentation of facts, and a standard milked dry conclusion.

The fact of the matter is, if you used every principle of writing your teachers or tutors have imparted to write your speech - your audience will be so enthralled, they will take disapprovingly long and frequent toilet breaks throughout your lecture.

With my physical self far away from the nearest television on the 1st of September, I wasn't able to catch Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi's speech.

On the 30th of August, I manage to catch Gandhi, the movie with Ben Kingsley playing the title character. Almost everything he said was quotable, all of his words trenchant, every action meaningful.

This afternoon, on The West Wing, Matt Santos, a Democratic candidate refused to play by the normal rules of demeaning your opponents; instead reiterating why he wanted to become President of the United States, live.

Stating his policies in person.

The power of words lies not in a fabricated template of phrases or terminologies handed to you by your teachers or hired image consultants.

It lies as I have always said, by being passionate about what you are trying to speak or write.

This is starkly apparent when I find myself drawn to the plights of an African speaking broken colloquial English over the smooth, sleek, and ultimately pretentious self-serving speeches of Tony Blair.

I have great respect for a person willing to speak his mind, unadulterated and uncensored, even though I may dislike it.

So even if Khairy Jamaluddin just committed political suicide by intentionally dropping the racial card, I respect him for willing to push the boundaries of 'sensitive issues'.

He may be a racially-charged, Oxford-educated demagogue. But at least he has the balls to say what he thinks must be spoken.

I can't say the same for the rest of the politicians in Malaysia.

A half-a-billion ringgit sporting centre in London, forty-eight million ringgit worth of clothes for government officials are reduced to nothing more than pointless debates - we all know how much the government actually cares about this issues and their remedies.

So here is my challenge:

Let's suspend reality.

Malaysia is a democratic society where anyone can run for Prime Minister.

I am going to write my speech, a speech addressing the nation on why they should elect me as Prime Minister of Malaysia. And after I write my speech, I want you to write yours, or are you too busy with school projects and idle gossips?

My Speech
Greetings everyone, my name is Rewarp, and I am one of the many candidates vying for the post of Prime Minister of Malaysia.

You may not heard of me, and after this short televised interruption of Akademi Fantasia, I am sure you will never hear of me again.

Here is my agenda.

The present government has promised a budget that protects the rights various ethnic communities and safeguards the nations future.

It has given millions hope with a multi-billion ringgit education plan, and improvement of public transports.

To me, promising to protect the rights of every ethnic community is a failure in itself. Why can't we protect the right of the people? Using a single term to describe everyone. To impose no restrictions on a particular group of people with different skin tones and to give no handicaps to another group based on genealogy and belief.

Abdullah may speak of 'towering Malays'. But the only thing towering about them right now are their debts. Unpaid loans the government has kindly dismissed, loans derived from public funding and taxes.

Fuel subsides should be abolished.

This will cause a brief spell of hardship to the people, but think of the chain of events that will inevitably follow.

Research into alternative sources of cleaner energy will accelerate. Taxes on foreign cars with hybrid engines will be dramatically lowered, and the people will return to the days when only using what is necessary is the norm.

Not out-pimping your vehicle with silver hubcaps or expensive spoilers.

Not racing down the streets on modified motorcycles.

I must state here that I am an atheist. Unlike most religious leaders who might walk the thin line of 'holding great respect for every religion" because "we are all praising the same god in different ways", I choose to despise all religion equally, because all they do is to divide.

An undeniable, undesirable truth.

I loathe racial profiling, unless it's for medical reasons.

If you elect me I assure you I will not protect the "rights" of the Bumiputra. I intend to treat every single person in this country equally.

And if you can't accept isocracy, you are free to elect someone else.

Because this is a democratic nation, and it is your right to choose the leaders you want.

It is also your right to nominate yourself as leader, if you feel there are no leaders to your liking.

That, is the meaning of freedom.

Dead of the Week: 212
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 719

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I, Rewarp

Tottered, Rattletrap, Intransigent, Hawkish, Valise, Perineum, Omadhaun, non compos mentis, Schemiel, Dolt, Bungler, Idiomatic, Pecuniary, Tort, Accoutre, Remiss, Diaphanous, Diaphoretic, fait accompli, Calabash, Inure, Eugeroic, Pizzazz.

This week, on a Stray World:
  • Voyeurs of Rewarp
For quite some time, I have been reminded by one of my close friends Peter Chong, as well as some anonymous poster that they wish to know more about me and my life.

It's a sad fact of human nature that they tend to skim over unpleasant world events in favour of more saucy insights into the lives of insignificant, unimportant and sometimes unsavoury people.

Instead of the usual parody on major events, I am going to do a satirical retelling of my life... Nah, snippets of my life.

Let's begin.

Hi, my name is Rewarp and I like to piss people off. It doesn't matter who I piss off, as long as I piss them off.

I like to begin every post with a string of hard words not because I wish to keep a record of words I learnt during the week - its because I wish to crush the ego of every visitor to my site - you know, exactly like those raggings going on at every new intake at Malaysian universities so the freshmen will feel grateful and lucky for a chance at higher education.

Don't worry, the ragging is only for locals.

I then go on writing my insipid articles on global warming, sob stories, blah, blah, blah... Before writing a paragraph or so of the most interesting part: my life.

I noticed no matter how long, detailed, or funny my articles on major events are; more often than not, the comments generated usually target my life, such as: "Gross, maggots" or "You need a girlfriend".

I have noticed something else.

Popular blogs from Malaysia, I have been led to understand, contain lots of expletives and pictures of pretty girls with saucy phrases.

The following is unsuitable for the immature mind... Or rather, mature mind:

Merde! Scheiße! A classy lady all wrapped up. Cazzo in the figa, that's what I would like to do.

But the filho da puta, cacho mierda, vaffanculo, pirla police would throw me into the culo cell.

Well, anyway, she is Popuši mi kurac hot man.

Jebi se you coglioni anti-rape law.

Idi u pičku materinu.

(What? You actually expected me to post profanity you can understand immediately without doing research?)
Kurvin sin, man. Kurvin sin.

Well, that should drive up web traffic.

This school holiday, I went about my business. My software company business.

Sold something, did something else, now planning other things, which I can't reveal here because it belongs to the Sautern Enterprise blog.

Kankerlijer school also intruded my gadha life when I had to plan a back-of-dominant-open-handshape-flipped-out-under-chin (profanity-laced phrase using sign language) bug catching field trip where we only manage to capture お前 (omae) small bugs.

The biggest bug in our collection right now is a huge grasshopper not caught during the pinga field trip.

Well, I be usro, I caught it five metres away from the boundaries of my humble jebem ti mater house! I then spent one hour killing, skinning, and winging it.

It was a drawn out process because I like to make living things grovel and suffer through the long, unnecessary pain of hopelessness before snuffing them out.

As I stuck the long hypodermic needle between the anus of the poor impaled creature to inject a fatal, translucent liquid, I hoped to hell the teachers and the education system will never substitute taking digital pictures of the bugs to actually capturing and murdering them.

Besides, I am a sick masochist and a self-diagnosed necrophilic. This is one of those few moments where schoolwork is erogenous.

Why, this evening alone, I enthusiastically disposed the body of one of my pet rabbits which had also attracted the attention of a 1.5-metre long monitor lizard (a scavenger).

I spent one expletive-free hour muscling the creature out of the rabbit enclosure before getting rid of my dead pet.

Of course, I had left the body to set for 24 hours after discovering its dead body because I wanted to reprise the role of those cool CSI guys when they call for the T.O.D. (time of death).

It was all nasty and gross as the body had gone into partial rigor mortis, with various fly species hovering around. Its eyes were still open but only the whites were showing.

C.O.D. (cause of death) is unknown but I suspect it is a result of a broken neck inflicted by another rabbit biting on its neck.

End parody.

I hoped you hated this version of A Stray World.

We return to our irresponsibly-entertaining, profanity and expletive free satirical newscasting next week.

P.S. There are a few truths in this week's edition, just learn to read between the flower-bridge-pronounced-in-Cantonese lines.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 507

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Is the Salver Old?

Chicanery, Carp, Tideway, Malapropos, Emend, Pealed, Nippy, Cavil, Obdurate, Randy.

On this weeks edition of A Stray World:
  • August 31st: More Pretentious Celebrations in Store;
  • Bloggers Beware, the Censor-Man is out to get you;
  • Election 2008: All Nations Qualified.
Hello good people.

As all Malaysians are aware, our Independence Day celebrations are just around the corner. In less than a fortnight, we will all be enjoying fireworks and parades bought with public funds.

Independence: Hardly fought for; hardly forgotten; hardly appreciated.

In close to 49 years of independence, Malaysia has progressed from a fractured, poor country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races were divided along racial lines to a fractured, rich country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races are given benefits along racial lines.

Of course, as everyone knows, racial discrimination is bad. But a senior politician disagrees, saying it is for the benefit of the country.

"The only reason we have yet to experience a civil war is because of Malaysia's unique racial discrimination policy," replied Datuk A.K.M. to this interviewer's question. "By actively discouraging the Chinese from working hard to achieve their goals, and by giving unprecedented advantages to the Malays, we hope to create a equally wealthy society."

"Sure, this might encourage all the Malays to take a laid back attitude to life, have 20 children on a RM500.00 salary from selling hand-made cakes while the Government siphons off money from the hardworking business community to pay for their upbringing and education, but you can bet your gold plated tombstone everyone will have equal share of the wealth."

To inquiries about the similarity between this system and communism, Datuk A.K.M responded: "Oh, didn't you know? We are basing this on the China's communist government, except, we lean towards the Malays of course. We won't stop until the Malays own at least 30% of every Malaysian company, controls at least 30% of the economy, and 30% of anything else the other races create."

Okay, so we are all about equality, let's leave it at that. But what about the education system since independence? Why do our history books contain 7 chapters on Islam, but only 1 chapter on the other religions?

"Well, obviously, it's because you all are living in an Islamic country. You have to study Islam," replied Datuk A.K.M. "While the other religions had played a part in the country's past, Islam is the latest religion approved by the global community, so we should all study it and admit it is the only truth."

"Regarding Yap Ah Loy, yes he did modernize Kuala Lumpur, in effect creating our country's capital city. But he lied, cheated, manipulated, intimidated, bribed, and fought his way to realize that ambition, so he isn't a very good role model for our impressionable youngsters. So we decided to limit his details to a single paragraph in our history textbooks, highlighting his gang dealings."

Very impressive, so the politicians have decided that dirty politics have no place in this country. What an admirable group of people we have leading us!

What then about other historical subjects not mentioned in our history books? While we have 7 chapters on Islam, we have zero on the Holocaust, zero on the Pol-Pot regime, unfinished story on Singapore, and only the briefest description of the 13th of May incident.

"Oh come on!" snapped Datuk A.K.M. "We shouldn't overload our children with information that will have no bearing on their lives. The important thing is they are all learning about the same thing, and that's as equal as the government can get."

On to the issue of the government's recent decision to hunt down Malaysian bloggers who spread "lies and rumours".

The question is, isn't this an action counterproductive to the Multimedia Super Corridor (MSC) project? Isn't freedom of speech the very basis of the Internet, where its first purpose was to share?

"Nooooo... It isn't isn't counterproductive. The MSC projects are still intact. The bloggers don't run the MSC, they don't run anything," proclaims Datuk A.K.M. "They are spreading lies and rumours that will compromise national security, sow disharmony by asking for complete equality, just like watching too many people committing suicides on tv will make you want to terminate yourself too."

But wouldn't it be better to just ignore the blog posts? Aren't Malaysians mature enough to make their own choices?

"Isn't it a fair deal, we arrest the people asking and giving ridiculous questions for your protection. You don't even need to care whether or not you are mature enough to choose," offers Datuk A.K.M.

To international news, America may finally decide to open their Presidential Election to the International community.

"We have realized for years now that America is the de facto ruler of the world," says Edward Gambal, senior correspondent for the Earth-America Party. "Once we receive approval, EVERYBODY will get to vote for America!"

This all makes perfect sense, seeing as no matter what the United Nations (UN), Non-Aligned Movement (NAM), Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC), and the bodies of the world say, America will always do things her way.

"To ensure America, and thus the world is run by proper hands, we fully support this proposal," said Osama bin Laden, wanted terrorist, on his personal video blog. "When this election is put in place, I will finally be able to realize my childhood dreams of being called President Osama."

This move wouldn't be complete without some opposition, and it comes in the form of the American ranchers.

"We ain't be able to talk like roughnecks no more," said Bill Grant. "And I ain't gonna be allowed to kill more Muslims trespassers on my land."

Happy Independence Day.

Dead of the Week: 16
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 480

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Bleak in Black

Physiognomy, Deleterious, Lout, Cavort, Prole, Lectern, Stultify, Aphorism, Expiation, Typology, Etiology, Hermeneutics, Exogamy, Exculpate, Hagiography, Cathexis, Expedient, Somatic, Exigency, Telos, Monistic, Paunch, Stratification, Wharf, Fretsaw, Mogrify.

My first Sixth Form exams will take place in less than sixteen hours. My current lifestyle depends entirely upon how well I do in these school examinations; therefore, should posts to A Stray World suddenly come to an abrupt halt, it will be wise to assume something unmentionably bad has befallen your faceless polemist.

Since I wish to enjoy the second season of House on AXN, please excuse the brevity of this entry.

The leatherback turtle is extinct, exiled from existence through the exculpated excusable expediency of ma(laysia)n.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 464

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Peace Processes

Curlews, cul-de-sac, Nihilist, Existentialist, Desultory, Edification, Suet, Palatial, je ne sais quoi, Facetious, Madrigal, Svengali, Straddle, Tallow, Epistemology, Abstruse, Culottes, Moquette, Idiosyncratic, Cravat, Dichotomy, Salient, hoi polloi, Rejoinder, Trin, Pathos, Trenchant, Languorous, Expectorated, Lissome, Ruminating, Soignee, Mien, Abortifacient, Mucilage, Traduce, Repudiate, Peltier, Anhidrosis, Execrate, Pillory, Soiree, Short-shifting, Lugubrious, Bearish, Attenuate, Manque, Immoderate.

On this special edition of A Stray World, we explore the minds of President George W. Bush's top aids to find out their alternative top three ways to bring about peace in any conflict, regardless of the reasons; prepared exclusively for the Malaysian audience.

Method 1: Accelerating Mass of Stones and Pebbles

You know, nothing brings humanity closer together than a good old end-of-the-world story. End of the world affairs such as the memorable Armageddon which introduced Aerosmith to Malaysians have proven that in times of great peril, everyone stops fighting and awaits death.

To execute this plan however, we must first identify a suitable Near-Earth object (NEO) as part of our peace process.

Using the data provided by NASA's NEO Program, we will settle for object 2001 UP, a NEO measuring 20 metres to 44 metres which will approach to within 12.3 LD (1 Lunar Distance = 384000 km) to Earth.

Since we are only trying to create a peaceful region and not a peaceful world, a 20 metre to 44 metre object will b e sufficient.

Let's select a region of incessant conflict like, oh I don't know..The Middle-East? We must then select a high-profile target to destroy that brings the best chance of peace.

Remember, this is only a technological upgrade to the current method of blowing-everyone-into -human-fertilizer peace process.

The only target that comes to mind will of course be the contested city of Jerusalem. A place of worship for three religions also happens to be a place of conflict for three religions. The only solution, naturally, is to destroy this evil instigator of war.

By launching a highly dense object close to 2001 UP, the NEO may be guided into the general vicinity of Jerusalem; where it may or may not hit the jackpot.

Either way, prior to the destruction of the city or the settlements around it, news of the event will cause everyone to drop arms, huddle against one another, and engage in mass orgies unseen in this part of the region since Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain.

Depending on the accuracy of the projectile, after the Holy City, or the holy settlements around the holy region is reduced to holy rubble, the (surviving) inhabitants will hopefully remember how enjoyable sex was when they figured the world was coming to an end and never fire another bullet again.

Method 2: Pseudo Tsunami

Building upon my colleague's previous method for bringing everlasting peace, I wish to draw attention to the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004, where separatist factions and the government of Indonesia and Sri Lanka arranged an immediate no-strings-attached ceasefire upon noticing the huge number of dead bodies and debris surfing the waves.

Let's not forget the unprecedented financial, medical, and military aid provided by the international community to the survivors of the natural disaster.

This is a map of the Middle-East:


As you can see, there is a body of water conveniently placed close to the states currently in conflict.

By detonating a nuclear bomb on the pretext of weapons testing, we should be seeing a huge wall of salt water crashing into the coasts of Lebanon and Israel, with the possibility of giving Cyprus a good old wipe-out; a slight peppering of Syria to the North; and if we are lucky, see an early flooding of the Nile.

Think of it as the C-section to the birth pangs of an emerging new Middle East.

Method 3: The Condi Recital

There is little in life more entertaining than watching aggressive politicians known for their Mona-Lisa-after-vinegar-smile with specious arguments of birth-pangs displaying the results of piano lessons forced upon them by their parents.

It is during these moments that we truly understand why they will suck more than a hospital-grade rental electric breast pump if they should release an album.

By calling upon the Bush Administration to organise a "Calls for Immediate Ceasefire" concert with the United Nation's and ASEAN's ongoing "We Strongly Urge, Condemn, and Understand" bake sale, this author hopes to unite the peoples of the Middle East to enjoy the greatest tomato pelting, ginger-ale quaffing food fight on the planet.

Due to the close proximity of the proposed event to the Dead Sea, various pickled collector items will be found on market shelves worldwide soon after the peaceful event.

All proceeds will of course, be used to rebuild wartorn countries raped by generations of war.

Think of it as the baby shower held after a particularly hard pregnancy where the father was locked up in prison with a glass shrapnel embedded in his right eye.

P.S. My security advisor advised me to lay low for a while last week due to my weakened physical condition as a result of a four-hour 22 kilometre exertion during last Sunday's Penang International Bridge Marathon.

Fortunately, the beer chugging assassin sent to finish me off couldn't find his way to LAX and ended up inebriated and stranded somewhere in Nebraska.

P.P.S. Regarding the recent decision by the Malaysian government to betray its promise not to censor the web; I can only say if I am arrested for this entry, or for any previous entry, it will be wise to conclude that these people lack the ability to distinguish between satire and truth - which are both very different things...

Dead of the Week: 26
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 437

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Middle Eastern Nights

Agglomeration, Tinctorial, boudoir, Proscribe, Conflation, Melisma, Serology, Specious, Ostrobogulous, Aprosexia, Paraprosexia, Hyperprosexia, Asseclist, Onolatry, Iotacist, Criticaster, Macilent, Entermete, Oxter, Nithing, Isocracy, Kakistocracy, Sarvodaya, Satisdiction, Logomachy, Esoteric, Eustress.

Hello boys and girls. Today, we enter the magical Middle-Eastern Kingdom, where our valiant prince, who doesn't exist, fights to save his princess, who prefers not to be saved.

Once upon a time, there lived two Israelis.

When they were boys, they decided they wanted to protect their family from 'The Others', who had fought many short and brutal wars with their kings for many, many years.

For many, many years, they saw their king fighting with the most powerful of 'The Others', known as Yasser Arafat. Imbued with the powers of the magical Hatredstone, which is passed on to every Israeli at least once in their lifetime, the two boys joined the army, determined to destroy 'The Others' once and for all.

As they grew up, both men fought in the many sporadic battles, which were used as a rite of passage by Israel. In their culture, a boy would never become a man if he couldn't hate, if he couldn't kill...

In one of the countries in the Ring of Deserts, otherwise known as 'The Others' to the people of Israel, a middle-age man, wise beyond his years, and ruler of his people, sat alone in his palace listening to the screams and explosions beyond the iron grated windows.

There was nothing he could do to silence the screams for help, of pain, and of death. He could only listen, and with the magical device created by a sorcerer from times past known as a tv, watch his people suffer and die.

You see, the ruler was only the ruler of some of his people - for there were others who were only his people by name...

Weeks ago, the two Israeli soldiers, emboldened by the continual support of their allied nation, The Land Beyond the Sea, prepared for an increased assault on 'The Others' with the latest weapons provided by their king.

But as they were preparing for a first salvo into the country of 'The Others', people around them suddenly ducked and pulled out their guns.

The two soldiers did the same, but alas, it was too late. For, a group of heavily armed men had surrounded them, and were pulling them towards the dreaded land beyond.

Their screams for help fell on deaf ears, for the fighting was now a long distant away, beyond the ruined brick walls and sand dunes.

Now, the ruler of Lebanon, the country in which the two soldiers were being held, paced his office. A menagerie of aids followed him, throwing all sorts of suggestions and petitions. Telling of more death and destruction. Asking him for answers.

But he couldn't give any answer which would satisfy them.

For, it wasn't his people who had brought the wrath of the wretched cancer that was Israel. It was Hezbollah's doing, a virus-like network of cults who had kidnapped the two Israeli soldiers.

He tried to explain to the Israelis - but all they could offer was an advance warning to his people to abandon their homes before they struck at suspected Hezbollah hideouts.

But how could a ruler do that? They had chosen him to protect them, yet, now he was being forced to order them to abandon their homes.

The people of Lebanon were mostly poor factory workers, or menial laborers. It took them half their lives before they could own a house of their very own. Half their lives to build a family to fill those homes. Half their lives which meant next to nothing to the bullets and mortar shells that now pierced it.

In a flash, all they had built were now gone.

Their walls were now white pebbles, their roofs now air, their children now earth.

They didn't deserve this. They didn't make this mess, yet, it is they who pay the bloody sacrificial price.

Today, over 1500 have died as a result of this war. And it is simply a war repeated over the ages.

There will be no happy ending in this story.

For anyone.

Dead of the Week: 19
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 411

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Group Men

Sylph, Contusion, Concretion, Circumlocution, Sophomore, Gouge, Foment, Gammon, Albedo, Salp, Miscegenation, sine-qua-non, Hackneyed, Tractate, Hubris.

On this week's episode of A Stray World:
  • Malaysian High Performance Training Centre's (HPTC) an intelligence installation;
  • Israel goes to war with Lebanese civilians, offers a 7-for-17 deal;
  • Bush and Putin, an intimate evening.
Welcome to our weekly (slightly fake) pondering of world events. We start of with the much publicized and criticizes HPTC, which is to be based in London.

There has been much public outcry against the half-a-billion project proposed by the National Sports Council to give the best athletes in the country a chance to rub shoulders with the most famous athletes (whether active or not) in the world.

This also fulfils one of the nations goals which is to spend public funds on at least one project that is doomed to fail every year. A prime example of this successful failure is the very unpopular Tak Nak campaign.

The true objective of this grand investment in thin air however, is much, much, more important than any other project ever built in Malaysian history - as our undercover team has discovered.

According to our trusted sources, the NSC's true objective is to build an offshore intelligence agency where our country's best athletes are honed into our country's best liars.

"We know talent when we see one, and it's not good to waste talent," said a man who wanted to be interviewed facing our correspondent's back. "Tell me if you know of any other major group of individuals with more potential to become spies?"

Evidently, our nations athletes have been living a double life as under-achieving sportsmen during the day (or night depending on the event), and as elite government spies in between tournaments.

"Our athletes are our best candidates for infiltrating foreign government institutions; not just because they are the fittest people available for active duty, but also because of their tendency to be overlooked by foreign governments because of their under-achievements."

In fact, that is the exact reason our athletes don't usually excel on the international front. As soon as they are inducted into the national squad, they are compelled to under-achieve to keep a low profile when visiting foreign lands.

The HPTC will allow our athletes-cum-spies to infiltrate the British government anytime they feel like it, not that anyone would notice.

With that, A Stray World's editing team hopes to put to rest the other under-normal circumstances, suspicious course of actions such as approving a project without even disclosing the exact price.

To Lebanon, where Israel has struck a bargain with the Lebanese proletariat.

In a milestone event, Israeli spokesman Sid Humbug has announced a seven-for-seventeen deal, in which for every 7 Israelis killed by Hezbollah, the Israelis will kill another 17 Lebanese civilians.

"This is a great day, where we have proven that negotiations for peace will have a slight chance for peace if they should ever take place," said Humbug.

"The days of an-eye-for-an-eye are over!" proclaimed Mezupman, the Hezbollah spokesperson in a joint statement with Humbug.

"We must all understand that the value of human lives has changed a lot in the 21st century," said Humbug. "There was a time when overvalued and undervalued items were traded in equal quantities. We WILL NOT allow this to happen in this war!"

According to the press release, the 7-17 deal, as it is known, takes into account the fact that Hezbollah fighters consist of fanatical suicide bombers while Israeli soldiers are heavily protected by body armour and rarely get killed by terrorists.

"We hope this deal will bring our countries closer together. But for now, we will each accept the other with open arms."

To reinforce the solidarity of the new pact, Mezupman promptly fired a single bullet right between the eyes with Humbug's gun, thus making the quota of the day.

Finally, our hidden cameras in a men's lavatory on the fifth floor of a renowned Russian hotel caught stunning footages of Bush holding a closed-door meeting with Putin.

Here's the unedited transcript from the meeting:

Bush: You know, if you let me do yours I will let you do mine.
Putin: Comrade, I am sorry, but it won't work. I don't know how to do yours. I don't even think it works right.
Bush: Well, then let me do yours.
Putin: I am sorry, I am afraid you might break it.
Bush: Oh come on, I did Iraq and Afghanistan.
Putin: I know, that's why I won't let you play Russian president for a day.

Dead of the Week: 49
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 392

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Curl Flub

Curlicue, Pernicious, Mores, Snarf, Hinky, Haimish, Scrunchy, Trog, Linguica, Echt, Doula, Onomatopoeia.

On this weeks edition of, A Stray World:
  • Thousands of fishes die as North Korea launches Trojan horse missile into the ocean;
  • Member of Parliament receives official sponsorship from Mercedes;
  • The impotence of the European Union;
  • And why forest genocide is good for Malaysia.
We begin with the top news headliner of the 4th of July, where Kim Jong-il, the deity of North Korea, proclaimed that all the fishes in the Sea of Japan were "evil conspirators bent on killing the godly children of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea", and ordered their subsequent execution.

His generals then launched multiple "Made in Heaven's Land" missiles which seemed headed for Washington DC, but instead plunged into the ocean where North Korean soldiers (who were hiding within the missiles) disbursed and started slaughtering fishes with their latest model of Neolithic bone knives.

"Our far-seeing leader was actually out to get the denizens of the deep ocean, who have amassed huge biological weapons scavenged from the corpses of our people who have died from experimental medications," said a spokesman for the DPRK, who wished to be known as Mr So. "Due to the trajectory of the initial launch, we were not at all surprised that our neighbours complained about the loud noise. Rest assured, we are doing all in our power to ensure these systematic launches won't cause too much trouble for the Americans."

As to what evidence North Korea has to show for their claims that a huge invasion is about to take place, Mr So replied they had received their information the way the Americans did, through the CIA.

"The CIA has been very helpful for alerting us to this situation," replied Mr So. "They showed us documents written in what they called Atlantean, and helpfully translated them for us to reveal an elaborate plot to destroy the world."

"To thank them, our greatest missile holding all of our loyal soldiers was named the Taepodong, which is a play of the words "type of bong", which we all know is the number one question on the minds of every American who listens to rap."

Back on the local front.

The woes of Mohd. Said, a member of Parliament who couldn't get approval from Parliament to subsidies his foreign car purchases, will soon become a distant memory as Mercedes has announced an elaborate sponsorship scheme for MPs who use the name of their flagship product in their speeches every time they get the chance to speak in the august body.

"We realized the incredible amount of publicity this issue has generated, especially among the MPs," said a Mercedes spokesperson. "Rather than miss this opportunity, our managers decided to embark on a ruthless sponsorship scheme to promote Mercedes as the foreign car to own."

Replying to questions on whether or not this sort of unscrupulous advertising would tarnish the image of Parliament, Mercedes said: "Oh no. If anything, I am sure it will add to the image of Parliament as the best place in Malaysia to receive free gifts for saying inappropriate things. Very soon, Parliament will make Mercedes the official car of Malaysia for our help in drawing more people to become Parliament members."

Moving along, Pfizer International, the Nobel Award candidate , says it has plans to treat the EU's general "underperformance".

"We have succeeded in replicating the Blue Pill for the EU," came the bold announcement from Dr Ekam Evol. "As you all know, for years the EU has not been giving satisfying performances to his partners from the surrounding region. This can be seen in the recent invasion of Palestine by the Israelis."

"If we trace history, you will notice that every time there has been a war, there will always be a big erection, a great example would be Malaysia's very own Tugu Negara," offered Dr Evol. "Other examples are the Washington Memorial and the Statue of Liberty."

Obviously, this hasn't been the case in the EU, where since the defeat of France in the Battle of Waterloo, there have been no great erections in the region.

The consistent invasion of Palestine by Israel though, offers a unique opportunity in which the EU may experience erections once every two weeks, instead of the current once every two hundred years.

"As the EU has generally remained a neutral party in this conflict, they can theoretically double the number of erections they may have, provided they follow our medical plan," said Dr Evol with a sly wink. "Trust me. Under normal circumstances, every time someone's at war, you can bet your family jewels that someone is having an erection."

True enough. After all, why else would George W. Bush enter a new conflict every six months?

Coming back to our beloved country, we secured A Stray World exclusive letter from a prominent government official regarding forestry policies for the not-too-far future.

Here are the important points, highlighted by our tireless overworked hamster in the freezer:

"For the good of the nation, the rakyat should realise our country must increase the amount of land available for buildings. It doesn't matter that not even ten percent of the new buildings will have tenants, as long as we build, build, build.

This solves a lot of problems, namely, Malaysia's image as a developing nation.

As we all know, the measure of the development of a nation is consistent with the thickness of low-land cloud cover. For example, the New York smog and London's acid-tinged fog.

We mustn't forget that a successful nation usually has its rivers heavily polluted with industrial waste before she spends funds collected through taxes to clean them up. Anyone who has read the history of the Thames would know that.

Most developed countries, as you may have noticed, have little or no sanctuaries or green belts. This is because these lands have been converted into much more productive residential areas when entrepreneurial women sell their bodies and gangsters who rap all day long sell drugs.

Believe me, if we continue to resist the felling of our forests, we will NEVER be able to build entire towns of grey concrete filled with impoverished, obese, people.

Besides, we can also make back 0.001% of the accumulated and long term costs of the said projects if we cut down all the trees to make paper and furniture.

These plans are being quietly implemented by the government nationwide to ensure the developed nations do not find out and interfere in our country's development.

Just imagine, one day, we will no longer have river related accidents or deaths because no one will go swimming ever again and we will never have to organize search parties for foreigners lost in the jungle."

P.S. This entry is dedicated to Helen Pratt, the 300th person who died on television as a result of a blood clot which formed in her heart, shot up her brain, and killed her.

Dead of the Week: 44
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 343

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Mean-(M)isters

Erogenous, Gossamer, Hyrule, Antecedent, Pro Forma, Amorphous, Apoplast, Chutney, Oligopoly, Prolix, Nous, adsorption.

This week, on A Stray World:
  • 13 dogs shot dead, owner gets clean-up bill;
  • Healthy elephant successfully stressed and drugged to death, nobody takes credit;
  • Israel launches a rescue mission to save one of their own, unwittingly destroys Palestinian government in the process;
  • Bush meets Koizumi, no samurai claims assassination reward.
Welcome to your weekly edition of A Stray World. Today, we feature - heroes.

Last Thursday, the Seremban Municipal Council (SMC) displayed great heroics by successfully shooting dead 13 of 26 dogs belonging to an animal lover.

As we all know, people who display great love and affection for animals, like Mr. Eng Her Sun, make others around them angry as a result of suppressed jealousy due to their inability to feel compassion.

The take-down squad, heavily armed with weapons of every grade, were out to restore peace and harmony to the community - so much so that every dog shot was accompanied with whoops of joy and glee.

With each bullet costing US$0.30, rest assured that the billing of the sting operation to public funds will be limited to RM 5000.00, to prove that the government is serious about wasteful public spending.

"We will ensure the remaining 13 dogs are neutralized. Rest assured, we are doing everything in our power to ensure they are all wiped out," said a SMC spokesman, on condition of anonymity.

"These creatures bring nothing but trouble and suffering, even our holy book discourages handling them. For the dog lovers out there, you should be thankful that we, as responsible citizens of God, have chosen the noble path of ridding them from this earth."

Apparently, the SMC doesn't use metaphores.

"We plan to send the bodies of the dogs to space to ensure their genes no longer contaminate this earth."

Meanwhile, government cost saving methods ensured that as little funds as possible were used for the relocation of Mat Chepor last week, which proved to be a wise choice when the baby elephant died.

"We did all we could to make sure the elephant relocation was done with minimal expenditure, due to escalating oil prices, and the increase of foreign cars bought by government officials," said a senior government minister on assurances of anonymity. "We even managed to delay the arrival of the experts from PERHILITAN by six days by persuading them to walk to the site to conserve fuel. Heck, we even secured the services of a vet only when Mat Chepor showed signs of dying to cut back on medical fees!"

With everyday heroes like them, true heroes who won't even take credit for their deeds; rest assured that Malaysia will be in safe hands.

On the international front, we turn our hero-worthy lenses to the West Bank; where Israel, who have the greatest sense of loyalty and friendship in the world, have launched their full military might to rescue one of their own.

When Palestinian militants abducted Cpl Gilad Shalit last Sunday, Israel was outraged.

In fact, a few air force commanders were given a dishonourable discharge for not launching air strikes immediately.

Repeated attacks have been launched against the northern and southern lands of the Palestinian Authority. Some commandos have successfully penetrated the legions of fanatical suicide defenders (some as young as 10) in their incredibly ingenious fortresses designed to look like run down abodes and apartments and have destroyed these bunkers-of-mass-destruction.

Songs and praise of the Israelis will be written and performed from this day onward; forever reminding us that true friends will do anything for each other.

Meanwhile, A Stray World correspondent, Ahn Ser Mi, has secured an exclusive interview with a Japanese samurai who reportedly turned down an opportunity to slice temporary US President, George W. Bush, in half.

Ahn has the story.

Ahn :Can you give me your name, just for the record?
Samurai: Call me B.B.
Ahn :Okay... B.B. The members of the Pact of Tao have demanded an explanation as to why their hired hitman has not ended the life of "the unworthy swine Bush" as they put it. Why didn't you?
B.B. :Because, Bush has already corrupted the minds of our leaders. If I were to kill him, nothing would change.
Ahn :Is that the truth?
B.B. :No! (Sobs) Bush, he told Koizumi, that he was my father!
Ahn :What!
B.B. :He showed our leader a picture of a baby and said this was his illegitimate daughter in Japan. The baby was wearing a garish mauve kimono.

That's all for this weeks edition of A Stray World.

Next week, we find out whether or not Osama bin Laden sends Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards on a daily basis to Saddam Hussein and why America thinks its troops in Iraq should convert to Buddhism.

Good day, and good luck.

Dead of the Week: 19
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 299

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Ken wa Kyouki

Whittle, Turducken, Irate, Hanker, Apoplectic, Brinkmanship, Denouement, Littoral, Notional, Crocheted, Camisole, Cardigan, Broderie Anglaise, Wherewithal, Jaunt, Moot, Auteur, Turpitude, Favela, Souq, Creche, Ingress, Percolate, Dansela, Dilatory, Neoteny, Bohemian, bourgeois, Mawkish, Het, Corpulent.

For quite some time, I have begun each of my entries with a string of words which illicit, as my good friend Peter puts it, "ego bruising" tendencies; often resulting in the usage of precious ATP to grab that otherwise mint condition dictionary.

If you have been doing that since I begun these strings of hardly-used words, congratulations! You have thus improved your vocabulary and with your improved prowess, dazzle the ladies with your vocabulary acrobatics while sharpening your wit and the use of "classy" invective to skewer your rivals silly.

Those strings of words, you see, are new words I have learnt during the week, or words I have previously encountered whose meaning has atrophied due to prolonged disuse.

So if you actually know those words, without having to consult a dictionary; I strongly urge you to either publish your own blog or give me the address of your blog.

Now that I have explained myself, its time to contemplate on current issues.

If you have been a regular reader of my blog, you might have noticed my innate compulsion to pounce on hot issues like Superman on Lois Lane. This however, is not the case with the recently announced move to incorporate firearm training into National Service.

This is because:
  • I forgot about the issue every time I log into Blogger;
  • Since I had forgotten about it until I logged out, I decided to let the issue play out instead of making immediate updates to my blog.
As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait.

The decision to allow firearm training to (mostly) immature teenagers is a disturbing notion in itself; to actually allow real bullets is a definite invitation to a bloody disaster.

Having gone through the actual training, I can emphatically make myself clear these people aren't prepared for the burden and responsibility of handling an M16.

These people can't even be bothered to form queues without engaging in some sausage-slicing queue cutting; let alone handle a killing machine.

That is the core of the issue: We are teaching our children to kill.

Sure, those who suggested this module have repeatedly tried to convince the public with such cogent anecdotes as "instilling discipline".

Yes, training our children to shoot live bullets using army grade weapons will "instill discipline".

As Hiko Seijuruu said to Himura Kenshin in what I consider the God of all anime, Rurouni Kenshin:
"A sword is a weapon for killing. Kenjutsu is the art of killing. Whatever kinds of pretty words or titles you use, that is the only truth."

I have to admit, given the opportunity, I would learn how to shoot too; just to understand what state sponsored murderers do every day...

The only thing is, I would rather handle an AK-47.

The world is rapidly changing, evolving, or rather, regressing.

According to Discovery News, worldwide immaturity levels are rising!

"People such as academics, teachers, scientists and many other professionals are often strikingly immature outside of their strictly specialist competence in the sense of being unpredictable, unbalanced in priorities, and tending to overreact."

The culprit is said to be, ironically, formal education.

Apparently, the need to increase general, abstract intelligence requires a child-like stance of receptivity to new learning, and cognitive flexibility.

In other words, George W. Bush.

This is a guy about to lead a bunch of selfish, unscrupulous, greedy men into open nuclear war. The clock is ticking, and we are fast approaching the twelfth hour on the clock of doom.

Double standards notwithstanding, I see absolutely no pragmatic reason to forbid Iran access to nuclear technology. Particularly when the United (Terrorists) States of America sees fit to bestow nuclear warheads to Israel, while their apoplectic Arabian neighbours are deprived of the "privilege".

Although wars in the Middle East might seem worlds away, as suggested by chaos theory, everyone will feel its ramifications.

Just take note:
Spoilt brats are running the world today; we all know what they will do if they don't get things their way...

Dead of the Week: 45
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 280

Monday, June 19, 2006

Expected, Yet Unprepared

Esoteric, Iambic Pentameter.

Once again, physical and metaphysical limitations have prevented me from updating this blog on time.

I had a nasty piece of homework from my math teacher; an entire exercise section that took me THREE HOURS to complete. At the same time, my sister has decided to switch her Internet surfing hours to Sunday evening from her usual slot of Saturday night.

Both these factors have resulted in this late entry, and I apologize if anyone died as a result of my tardiness.

The 6 Form institution which I have participated in is living up to its billing as being the most sadistic and torturous tertiary education in Malaysia. Expected, since it is after all rated as the fifth hardest examination (STPM) in the world by Unesco.

It is the fifth hardest for a very simple reason: the streaming system.

According to one of my teachers, streaming the students supossedly enables a teacher to teach all the students in his or her classes easily in one shot. No fuss, no hassles, unless you happen to be the student!

Take me, for example.

I loath Maths, and I am very weak in Chemistry. During my high school years, I have always been consistent in my Additional Maths and Chemistry results.

Consistently bad that is.

It is therefore quite perplexing that our nations education system has once again forced me to study both Math and Chemistry, which at the first opportunity, I would drop like 5-year-old cow dung, if I could without jeopardizing my marks.

Some of my friends have asked me to consider the college option; and frankly speaking, I have had considerable discussions on this option, with myself, and I have come to the conclusion that the university course I wish to pursue is not only easily attainable, it is also at a local university, so college won't be an economical option for me; seeing as I come from a middle-income family and my business endeavour is not profitably stable yet.

Besides, commuting to college will be hell; as I live in an area particularly distant from any affordable college institution.

As a wrap up, I expect to fail every single time in my school's internal examinations this year for the stated subjects. I have little choice but to tough it out until I get my chance to study Forestry at UPM.

My first week back has proven to be quite eventful.

Tun Dr. Mahathir and his successor Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, in their "altercations", may change the face of Malaysian free speech as we know it.

Let's look beyond the issues raised and see the ripples and reactions it has explosively resulted in.

First, were the calls from various parties and individuals for Mahathir to shut up. Then there were calls from others to allow the former Prime Minister of Malaysia to speak his mind. After that, there were the almost comical pledges by various ministers to stick by Badawi no matter what "others" may say.

Matthias Chong however, takes the cake by swearing on ALL the known holy books about his integrity and honesty and all the other political mileage stuff in front of the foreign press and national Chinese papers.

Let's not forget the highly unnecessary incident where the National Fatwa Council asked the government to re-examine the open-house practice; something uniquely Malaysian and only found in Malaysia.

Apparently, the activity of getting to know your neighbours and friends of different religious backgrounds and skin tones will shake your belief in Islam.

So let me get this straight: Terrorists killing thousands in the name of Islam unites all Muslims; eating a multi-cultural meal with friends with different beliefs weaken's Muslims?

Being an atheist, I am probably the most qualified person to give opinion on the matter. Frankly, these stupid, parochial, invidious, individuals seem to act and create unnecessary issues which are, at the same time, unwisely encouraged by the people and the media.

To put it in perspective, these people would rather discuss how much skin you are allowed to show and the "immorality" of couples in love holding hands than whether or not Malaysia's human capital, particularly the Malays, are marketable in this global era.

There is a silver lining though.

As cynical as this may sound, these frank and open discussions, no matter how ridiculous, will serve as a stepping stone to more open discussions regarding wider, more sensitive issues.

It's like the Salem witch hunts - kill a certain number of people and eventually you will question the wisdom of your actions, and the wisdom of your peers.

Today, that would mean going to war for a shady, uncertain reason.

For the readers out there who have been watching the 2000hrs news on TV3, the Reopen 9/11 documentaries are sure to have caught your eye.

At first glance, the claims these people made, e.g., the World Trade Center was demolished by bombs, not brought down by planes, seem crazy and illogical; until you view the video evidence...

As incredible as it may sound, evidence hints that explosive-demolition bombs were used to bring down the WTC; the plane that alledgedly crashed into the Pentagon never existed, and many more.

The ramifications will be felt worldwide if these allegations are proven to be true. So much so that I believe those happy-go-lucky teenagers who live on a staple diet of The Simple Life and Akademi Fantasia will actually start watching the news.

The ultimate conspiracy designed to give America a huge reserve of oil, or mentally stressed lunatics who should be sent to Arkham Asylum immediately?

You decide.

Reopen 9/11

Dead of the Week: 17
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 235

Sunday, June 11, 2006

From Hell to Earth's Hell

I am finally back! It was a blast I tell you, going through National Service.

Seriously, I enjoyed myself.

That however, doesn't mean I hold no criticisms regarding my stint. In fact, in a way, I was proven beyond any reasonable doubt that National Service has failed in its overall objective to instill discipline, integration, and unity between the 300 or so odd trainees in camp.

Of course, that is from my perspective. Anyhow, you can read about my experience yourself when I finish digitizing my offline blog, which I had written during the 84 days in exile.

NOTE: The phrase "offline blog" does not exist. I simply find it a convenient way of describing my diary to people who ask. Whenever someone approaches me in camp asking what I am writing, I answer it is my offline blog, my diary, only it is a diary meant for public viewing.

It has been a frenetic 2 days since my return.

First, I had to complete my revisions.

I immediately started with Numb3rs on AXN which was immediately followed by Being Chen Kaige on Discovery Channel.

What, you didn't actually expect me to read up on Form 6 did you? TV is my life, it powers my intellect. I can feel a significant drop in my ability to conduct or write with my usual wit and vigour as a result of my gamma-ray withdrawal treatment.

Here's a general rundown of what I did after my return:

  1. Reintroduced myself to my dog. The son of a bitch (not profanity, but fact) had forgotten me and wanted to take a chunk off my hand;
  2. Watched TV;
  3. Tended to my bonzais, all of whom had changed and grown significantly;
  4. Messaged most of my ex-National Service friends;
  5. Walked my dog;
  6. The World Cup (England vs Paraguay)
  7. Completed my offline blog;
  8. The World Cup (Sweden vs Trinidad & Tobago).
The World Cup. The magic begins.

While I mostly read the paper during the England-Paraguay match, my full attention was given to the unlikely combination of Sweden - Trinidad & Tobago.

Magic, I tell you.

Trinidad & Tobago were reduced to 10 men in the second half, which effectively meant they had to last more then 45 minutes worth of attack.

With Henrik Larsson and Zlatan Ibrahimovic in Sweden's attacking lineup, this could easily have been a 4-0 drubbing right then and there.

What followed next was nothing short of a superhuman display by the Trinidad & Tobago goalkeeper, Shaka Hislop, who single handedly stopped shots that would have cratered the doors of a Proton.

His fellow countrymen, also manifested incredible obstinance in their defense, led by none other that Dwight Yorke - who commanded and inspired his teammates in conducting the most incredible defense I have ever seen based solely on the will to never quit.

I didn't need any coffee, although I had only had two-and-a-half-hours sleep in 48 hours. So you could forgive me for giving a small cheer at 0230 on the 11th of June when the final whistle blew.

Back to business as usual then. My TV revision continued with the latest season of all three CSIs, Discovery Channels I Shouldn't be Alive a revisit of Spongebob Squarepants.

In the course of writing this, I realised (imagined me speaking with an Irish lilt) me olde wit is back laddie.

Wow, in two days, I have racked up 21 TV deaths thanks, no doubt, to CSI Supreme Sunday. That's a water tank-load of blood if we could ever squeeze them out of the bodies.

While our highly respected and loved ministers and representatives wish to control the displays of affection in public, they have wisely allowed us all to continue our pursuit for more violence and gore.

Yes, down with love, bring on the blood.

Hey, I have a suggestion for the MPs, why don't you shoot couples holding hands or kissing in the Botanical Gardens on the spot!

You could send a message to all those who would show their love to the world while providing extra entertainment to the public in a local fashion; because we must all support our local film industry no matter how vacuous and frivolous most of them are, right?

Seriously, I think there is something very wrong with our leaders. Especially with the looming threat of hydraulic despotism. We should be focusing on the management of our natural resources and energy needs rather than stunting love.

I leave you with a quote from lesson 1 of the Hacker High School programme:

"Research a topic. Any topic. A current event, perhaps. Use the first source you find as the standard. Find 5 other sources. How do the other sources differ from that standard? What reasons would there be for the difference? Political reasons? Has content been changed to suit a specific audience? Has content been omitted to make an issue or a fact more palatable or marketable? Do subtle wording differences change the interpretation of your standard? When you encounter this question for the first time, you'll find that some of your own bias may influence your answers. As you learn more (not only with computers and security, but in all subjects), come back to this question when researching a topic. You'll find that your broader perspective gives you new insights in to some, if not all, of the answers."

Dead of the Week: 21
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 218