This week on A Stray World:
- Bahasa Melayu becomes Bahasa Malaysia, Group Urges Government to Stick to Bahasa;
- Bird Flu Hits Selangor, Deciding to Skip Penang for Health Reasons;
- Dear Prime Minister.
After careful deliberation between a cup of kopi-O and Milo ais, the Man has decided to rename Bahasa Melayu to Bahasa Malaysia, which in a twist, is actually a reinstatement of its former name, which in itself was a rebranding of the original name, which incidentally came from the same language that spawned Bahasa Indonesia.
Confused? Don't be, because for a nominal fee, you can now join the elite group of citizens comprising 99% of the population (the statistics have to right, because they come from uninformed guesses) who don't know anything about it.
“For years I have been calling it Bahasa, because saying the full six syllables reminds me of the devil, and my boss is hell, in the literal sense” says Mr. D, a witchdoctor currently teaching metaphysics at Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM). “Do you know that all of my students refer to it as Bahasa as well? I don't rally see why I should start uttering the full title.”
“Yeah, I agree,” says Faz, a metaphysics student who sells herbal remedies in USM. “Malaysia and Melayu are both three syllable words. They are a mouthful to pronounce. Just look at the Australians. They call themselves Aussies because it's so much easier on the tongue.”
“I did some maths,” a bespectacled young lady enthusiastically chips in.
“It takes one extra second to say Malaysia or Melayu and three more seconds to write it down on our exam sheets. If we have to write on average 30 Bahasa Malaysia in each exams, we will have wasted 90 seconds per exam. Multiply this by 4 and we have wasted 360 seconds. We spend at least twelve studying before coming to university. That's 4320 seconds of our lives gone down the drain. And I haven't even factored in the times we spent writing the extra words in our essays and practice sheets.”
“Now do you see the REAL PROBLEM?” quips Mr D. “That is why we will take this opportunity to announce the foundation of a new NGO. We call ourselves the No-Ma-No-Me, the No Malaysia No Melayu.”
“Our agenda is to get the official policy makers to use only, and exclusively, the term "Bahasa" as the official reference to the most spoken language in Malaysia,” says Faz.
When queried on how this would benefit the nation, they responded: “The reduction in the writing of this long winded but commonly used term will reduce the risk of carpal tunnel syndrome, especially in the writing of an essay of the national language, by two hours.”
“Besides, it aids nation building by allowing the Malays and non-Malays to stake their claim on the language equally because of the apparent neutrality of the word” adds Mr D.
Who knows, maybe one day we too will remove the “Eng” from “English” because of the need to place our stake on that language as well.
Issue 2
Bird flu has struck Malaysia, killing an indefinite number of chickens in Sungai Buluh, Selangor. However, one is puzzled as to how this disease managed to slip through the Northern States without leaving a large number of dead birds behind.
A Stray World now presents an exclusive interview with a genetic expression of the H5N1 virus who calls him/herself Alex.
Field correspondent Ahn-Ser-Mi reports.
Ahn: Good morning Alex?
Alex: ...
Ahn: Um, so why did you skip the Northern States to go straight for Selangor?
Alex: Me... Alex.
Ahn: Yes we have established that, Alex. Why did you decide on Selangor first?
Alex: No... You Alex, me Jesse.
Ahn: (Ahem!) Okay. If you insist, you can call me Alex and I will call you Jesse.
Alex: No, no, no! Me Alex. You Jesse. You Charlie.
Ahn: (Ahem) Sorry I have to blow my nose.
Alex: This Petri dish too small for all of us. I leave. No, I leave! I leave as well! Leave! Leave!Leave!
Ahn: Somebody help! I think I am dying.
Interview suspended due to death of reporter:
Ahn-Ser-Mi (2006 – 2007)
Issue 3
A hearty congratulations to Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi for his marriage to Jeanne Abdullah. No cynicisms or ironies attached. I am genuinely happy for you.
Alternative Profanity: Instead of “asshole”, try “proximal chasm”.
No comments:
Post a Comment