I(m)jok(ing)

Ethology, Antiphonal, Polyamory, Kinesics, Divigate, Tangentially, Sinecure, Halcyon, Rapacious.

This week on A Stray World, we explore, by-elections!

The bane of humanity, governance.

Where there are people, there exists hierarchy. The only difference is the form of hierarchy. In this instance, it is known as democracy, though kakistocracy does come to mind.

Through a fortunate series of events known as 'hitsuzen' we have enjoyed the staging of two by-elections within the span of two months.

First the Batu Talam by-election.

Let's see. Citizens deprived of a great leader. Check.
A multi-racial contractual party contests again. Check.
A Chinese majority opposition party that is multi-racial in principle. Check.

Looks like a clear cut victory for the good guys then. After all, they came in promising lots and lots of goodies and swag, stuff you would never receive if you voted for the DAP.

Watching TV3's Berita Utama, all I heard were good things about the Barisan Nasional while the reporters painted the opposition as inept simpletons out to "raise issues for votes".

To quote Datuk Fictional: "Don't vote for the opposition. The rakyat knows only the BN can bring developement to the people. We have so many component parties representing all the various races led by the very capable UMNO."

"The only thing the opposition knows how to do well, and very well they do so, is to raise issues in Parliament, Now what use is that to the government to raise issues in Parliament? They should kow-tow to us for even allowing them to speak in our godly presence."

"Once again, I say, vote for the mega-super-party BN. Because your constituency will only receive funds for developement if you vote for us."

Well, that was what he said telepathically.

Truth be told, my trust in all forms of media has been reduced to "edit" status, where my mind does its own reconstruction of events portrayed, sans the patriotic messages.

Every moment in time The Star reports on the sanctity of the Barisan Nasional, I flip the page. I would not have done that if they gave a balanced account of the opposition parties at the same time.

Prime example: Kelantan.

I was surprised by a sudden article on the Islamic state by The Star a few months back. The state government actually gives land rights to the non-Malays. Couple this with my own National Service experience, where those opposed to my views of a fair-and-square policy were not opposed, if not downright supported by my Kelantanes friend there, I can safely conclude Kelantan is more Malaysian (in terms of equal rights) than the BN can ever be.

To Ijok, and the same issues are being played about.

What's interesting this time is the amount of goodies promised by the government. Sudden unveiling of grand development projects and promises to fix long damaged public amenities come to fore, provided the people vote for the ruling coalition.

And there you have it.

A supreme ruling party with no suitable challenger steam-rolling and browbeating every one else into rakyat-layered kaya. I see little reason to register as a voter, since the only choice I have is the only choice given.

Defiance/Compliance

Bivouac, Middlemarch, Shindy, Fatalist, Enid, Mauser, Mien, Escudo, Ordinal.

As the general Malaysian blogosphere knows, a few Malaysian politicians age twenty something and above has been throwing about choice words regarding the Malaysian blog community.

A quick recap:

Politician A claimed most bloggers were unemployed women and blah blah blah.

Politician B called for the registration of all Malaysian bloggers.

Politician C, and D, and E, and F, and G... ad infinitum, agree with one or the other.

There is a common consensus among the politicians (in power) that the views of people who are considered 'extremist' or 'a threat to social harmony' expressing opinions that offer nothing more than a drop of oil into the ocean that is the Internet, should be printed and shredded to strips of paper noodles.

Since we all know the government is all about social harmony, besides being a bunch of people who take our money whether we like them or not, it is relatively inevitable the Barisan Nasional govenment will start a nationwide drive to register bloggers in Malaysia.

How will they carry out this form of intellectual suppression?

I can only guess it will start with a voluntary program at the beginning of the year, where Malaysian bloggers will be invited to add their names to a growing database for a Malaysian Book of Records entry, because the only other motivation involves money and free food, which would be contrary to the government's healthy lifestyle drive.

The devious plot thus carried out, the government will then release statistical figures manipulated so it would seem Malaysia is the number one country in blogs per hundred citizens.

Very soon, there will remain only a hardcore group of bloggers hosting their puny sites of resistance on American servers with the paranoia of Fox Mulder and Gregory House.

They will form an online cult dedicated to the preaching of Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Expression. Twin gods considered illegal by the National Fatwa Council, who will issue a verdict: "We condemn any online activity of any kind involved in the spread of lies, slander, and inconvenient truths which most people are smart enough to distinguish anyway."

"This is a further expansion to the trading of stocks online, which is completely unacceptable although it is not much different from trading stock in the Bursa Saham."

"Haram. Absolutely 150,000,000% haram."

Here then is a brief guide to all bloggers out there who will one day, meet expensively dressed government officers with gold laptops at your doorstep asking for your DNA sample:

1. If they ask you if you are a blogger, answer 'yes' if you are female and 'no' if you are male. This will appeal to their logic and hopefully, result in a less violent treatment of your anus once you are safely hidden behind concrete walls.
2. If you are given a form to fill, add as many details as possible. If your name is a continuous strings of 'son of', make sure you add the names of your grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather... for at least two hundred generations. If you are asked to fill in your address, fill in your work address, your parent's address, your girlfriend's/boyfriend's/partner's/mistresses'/married-sex-partner's/ex-wives' address, the Prime Minister's residence, your Parliamentary representative, and your home address.
   The logic behind this is the known fact that government bureaucracy will result in the most detailed forms being filed under the "We will look at them after a decade cabinet".
3. Don't have children. They might want to become the government servants wearing expensive Armani suits paid for by grumpy taxpayers.

I am really looking forward to the government clamping down on us bloggers, really I am! Just to see how badly their screw up taxpayer money this time.

Note to Self

Colonnade, Bower, Mestizo, Paucity, Commode, Leitmotif, Awl, Ingle, Hooch.

"Where have the jokes gone?" You may ask. "Where is the vindictive appraisal of society and its misgivings? Where is the honest reflection and where are the bloody fake news?"

A while back, I responded to what I deemed unnecessary demand on the part of my friend to return to a more personalised version of a blog when I began experimenting with fake news - with a parody entry of myself using profanity not usually heard in this continent in the entry otherwise known as I, Rewarp.

After all, this was my, MY, part of the world that I was devastatingly proud to call my own. To write as I please and to hell with what others thought. I refused to cater to the whims of my audience and to write for my own pleasure.

The irony was, my audience began enjoying and even welcomed my new direction. Eventually, I fell into my own proverbial trap, eventually writing what I thought would please the readers.

People grow and change, and I eventually grew tired of the fake news medium, finding that little change regardless of my work, however funny or thoughtful. The year barely begun when Innocence blew away the pretensions that shrouded my consciousness. I begun to look at the world in a different manner.

I began to analyse the way I interacted with the world at large. How the simple slip of a few chosen words like "I will be a celibate for life" influences the nature of interaction between individuals.

I realised, the further I distanced myself from life, the more of it I saw.
I belonged to the world, I helplessly beheld in awe.
If I ever held it in disdain,
I only need to remember, it was here before.

I began to prune my philosophy and thoughts accordingly. For a very long time, I observed I didn't need gods to protect and guide me, and thought the same rule must apply to everyone else. I concede defeat in this opinion.

I don't need gods, but most of humanity does. After all, human punishment only goes so far, and is subject to the caprice of human laws and lawyers. There is no legal respite after death, as the ideal soul finds sanctuary in the heavens while lawyers go to hell. A sin is no wrong, it is damnation.


In lieu of this development in my hideously limited mental capacity, I found myself hoping gods do exist. And then, an epiphany!

Humans are Gods.

We have created life.

What is life?

1. Living things need to take in energy
2. Living things get rid of waste
3. Living things grow and develop
4. Living things respond to their environment
5. Living things reproduce and pass their traits onto their offspring
6. Over time, living things evolve (change slowly) in response to their environment

Consider the computer. This is the universe we conceived with the fundamental building blocs of 1's and 0's. We write software for this universe, populating it with nebulae and stars. We give this universe fundamental laws which can never be broken, unless we rewrite the laws.

Then the programs grow, not just in number, but in variety. They consume energy, more and more of it with every passing generation. If you plugged in an Apple 2 into any household socket today, it would most likely explode in a shower of melting plastic and glass.

They changed beyond recognition, leaving behind the detritus of obsolete parts. They became specialised.

So far in this retelling of computing history, humans still input the changes, like gods with malleable dough, we write our aemaeth on the clay to create artificial life to serve us. But arguably, this A.I., as we continue to call it, has fulfilled all six criteria for life, just in a form we may not comprehend.

Consider the computer virus. Unlike the Pakistan Brain, today's viruses can perform multiple tasks simultaneously, besides performing numerous acts of vandalism and theft.

Their coding is now so advance, they actively make choices to preserve themselves. Some even change and add strings of code from the machines they infect to become stronger, tougher, more resilient.

Is this a manifestation of life?

"No, God forbid!" You may argue.

Though if you think about it, isn't that how you live? By following the rules enshrined in tablets, scriptures or books defining the do's and don'ts.

And like me, even if you don't, those same rules contain punishment, retribution for those who defy the fundamental laws. Abnormalities which will eventually spiral out of control, just like the Muslim extremists.

Disturbing isn't it, to consider we may be Gods without realising it,
Then to see, we may be nothing more than creatures made to service feet.

Toss and Roll

Himbo

This week on A Stray World:

• Trip to USM.

Trip to USM
For the sake of a medicinal-herbal-traditional plant competition, I earned a trip to Universiti Sains Malaysia last Friday, no mean feat in itself, until you add the skipping four-and-a-half periods of classes, meeting the people who run the place and a free meal from the teacher in charge of our group.

In truth, this was my first visit to USM, if not my first visit to a university of any nature in Malaysia.

For starters, the land in which the seeds of campus USM sprouted on is HUGE. The terrain of gently inclining hills and steep drops made driving a rather dangerous affair, which means the recent order forbidding everyone affiliated with USM from driving within campus except PhD scholars and lecturers perfectly reasonable, considering the above average speed my teacher was eliciting from her Perodua.

Initial impressions of a capable, respectable institution were supported by a swimming pool close to the entrance while further down the narrow road, a homely, glass-walled building for the alumni greeted us modestly among the randomly sprinkled buildings of research.

Further down, I realised USM's architecture wasn't old as in colonial-charm old, but blocky apartments which would fit into any cuboidal box with nary a space in between if someone invented a shrink ray. If the oversized three alphabets representing the university weren't emblazoned onto the grass overlooking the road, the streets choked with parked cars and coldly technical signboards would fool any would-be-visitor into thinking he had just stumbled into Putrajaya on a weekday.

Finding a spot close to the Chemistry department, we entered the rather cramped first floor smelling of government hospital - a rather distinct cologne if one has ever set foot in a public health institute.

USM Fact No. 1: USM prefers to employ Malays.

Tudung wearing Malays, beard growing Malays, you get the picture. Frankly, the breakdown of the various races in USM I saw that day was greatly skewed from the breakdown of the nation's races by population. While I have no problem with qualified personnel, nobody is naive enough to believe the 'others' aren't qualified to hold administrative positions in USM or any public university in Malaysia for the matter.

Thankfully, USM at least took great measures in employing the best Malays. The administrative charts upon the walls of the Pharmaceutical department revealed an almost disturbing tendency to hire Malays who have graduated with honours from United Kingdom institutions of higher learning; along with the odd foreigner and obligatory 'others'. Though this measure is to be greatly admired, it still means our own local institutions aren't producing individuals who are brainy enough to lead the very universities they studied in.

USM Fact No. 2:Dean's List Students are predominantly Chinese

As much as the politicians who play the racial card claim a 'great Malay rising', the truth is, they are falling further and further behind. The floodgates have been forced open with iron bars for them while the 'others' had to slip by between the ruined walls yet a quick glance of the best of USM revealed only two Malays out of thirty or so Chinese names.

Kudos to USM for revealing the papers to the public, granted, a very limited public. If these numbers were ever published on national newspapers, we would see UMNO and PAS leaders joining hands and waving the keris all the way into campus to oust more Chinese descended scholars.

USM Fact No 3:USM lecturers are qualified

Repeating the same point, USM does employ capable lecturers, even though they be mostly Malay.

There were two professors who took their time to explain the various concepts and ethics (ETHICS!) regarding our medicinal plant project. At least some of the government sponsored Malays have not disappointed our taxpayers.

Both professors were gaily helpful, pointing out flaws in our project as well as lab work we might wish to consider. This was the next best thing to meeting the professor-in-charge of medicinal plants, who was ironically, not available because he was attending a medicinal plant and herbal remedies expo in Kuala Lumpur.

In conclusion, USM is not the place one would wish to study in, unless one enjoys blatant discrimination, and being forced to admit the people hired through discrimination are highly qualified, every single day.