I, Rewarp

Tottered, Rattletrap, Intransigent, Hawkish, Valise, Perineum, Omadhaun, non compos mentis, Schemiel, Dolt, Bungler, Idiomatic, Pecuniary, Tort, Accoutre, Remiss, Diaphanous, Diaphoretic, fait accompli, Calabash, Inure, Eugeroic, Pizzazz.

This week, on a Stray World:

• Voyeurs of Rewarp

For quite some time, I have been reminded by one of my close friends Peter Chong, as well as some anonymous poster that they wish to know more about me and my life.

It's a sad fact of human nature that they tend to skim over unpleasant world events in favour of more saucy insights into the lives of insignificant, unimportant and sometimes unsavoury people.

Instead of the usual parody on major events, I am going to do a satirical retelling of my life... Nah, snippets of my life.

Let's begin.

Hi, my name is Rewarp and I like to piss people off. It doesn't matter who I piss off, as long as I piss them off.

I like to begin every post with a string of hard words not because I wish to keep a record of words I learnt during the week - its because I wish to crush the ego of every visitor to my site - you know, exactly like those raggings going on at every new intake at Malaysian universities so the freshmen will feel grateful and lucky for a chance at higher education.

Don't worry, the ragging is only for locals.

I then go on writing my insipid articles on global warming, sob stories, blah, blah, blah... Before writing a paragraph or so of the most interesting part: my life.

I noticed no matter how long, detailed, or funny my articles on major events are; more often than not, the comments generated usually target my life, such as: "Gross, maggots" or "You need a girlfriend".

I have noticed something else.

Popular blogs from Malaysia, I have been led to understand, contain lots of expletives and pictures of pretty girls with saucy phrases.

The following is unsuitable for the immature mind... Or rather, mature mind:

Merde! Scheiße! A classy lady all wrapped up. Cazzo in the figa, that's what I would like to do.

But the filho da puta, cacho mierda, vaffanculo, pirla police would throw me into the culo cell.

Well, anyway, she is Popuši mi kurac hot man.

Jebi se you coglioni anti-rape law.

Idi u pičku materinu.

(What? You actually expected me to post profanity you can understand immediately without doing research?)
Kurvin sin, man. Kurvin sin.

Well, that should drive up web traffic.

This school holiday, I went about my business. My software company business.

Sold something, did something else, now planning other things, which I can't reveal here because it belongs to the Sautern Enterprise blog.

Kankerlijer school also intruded my gadha life when I had to plan a back-of-dominant-open-handshape-flipped-out-under-chin (profanity-laced phrase using sign language) bug catching field trip where we only manage to capture お前 (omae) small bugs.

The biggest bug in our collection right now is a huge grasshopper not caught during the pinga field trip.

Well, I be usro, I caught it five metres away from the boundaries of my humble jebem ti mater house! I then spent one hour killing, skinning, and winging it.

It was a drawn out process because I like to make living things grovel and suffer through the long, unnecessary pain of hopelessness before snuffing them out.

As I stuck the long hypodermic needle between the anus of the poor impaled creature to inject a fatal, translucent liquid, I hoped to hell the teachers and the education system will never substitute taking digital pictures of the bugs to actually capturing and murdering them.

Besides, I am a sick masochist and a self-diagnosed necrophilic. This is one of those few moments where schoolwork is erogenous.

Why, this evening alone, I enthusiastically disposed the body of one of my pet rabbits which had also attracted the attention of a 1.5-metre long monitor lizard (a scavenger).

I spent one expletive-free hour muscling the creature out of the rabbit enclosure before getting rid of my dead pet.

Of course, I had left the body to set for 24 hours after discovering its dead body because I wanted to reprise the role of those cool CSI guys when they call for the T.O.D. (time of death).

It was all nasty and gross as the body had gone into partial rigor mortis, with various fly species hovering around. Its eyes were still open but only the whites were showing.

C.O.D. (cause of death) is unknown but I suspect it is a result of a broken neck inflicted by another rabbit biting on its neck.

End parody.

I hoped you hated this version of A Stray World.

We return to our irresponsibly-entertaining, profanity and expletive free satirical newscasting next week.

P.S. There are a few truths in this week's edition, just learn to read between the flower-bridge-pronounced-in-Cantonese lines.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 507

Is the Salver Old?

Chicanery, Carp, Tideway, Malapropos, Emend, Pealed, Nippy, Cavil, Obdurate, Randy.

On this weeks edition of A Stray World:

• August 31st: More Pretentious Celebrations in Store;
• Bloggers Beware, the Censor-Man is out to get you;
• Election 2008: All Nations Qualified.

Hello good people.

As all Malaysians are aware, our Independence Day celebrations are just around the corner. In less than a fortnight, we will all be enjoying fireworks and parades bought with public funds.

Independence: Hardly fought for; hardly forgotten; hardly appreciated.

In close to 49 years of independence, Malaysia has progressed from a fractured, poor country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races were divided along racial lines to a fractured, rich country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races are given benefits along racial lines.

Of course, as everyone knows, racial discrimination is bad. But a senior politician disagrees, saying it is for the benefit of the country.

"The only reason we have yet to experience a civil war is because of Malaysia's unique racial discrimination policy," replied Datuk A.K.M. to this interviewer's question. "By actively discouraging the Chinese from working hard to achieve their goals, and by giving unprecedented advantages to the Malays, we hope to create a equally wealthy society."

"Sure, this might encourage all the Malays to take a laid back attitude to life, have 20 children on a RM500.00 salary from selling hand-made cakes while the Government siphons off money from the hardworking business community to pay for their upbringing and education, but you can bet your gold plated tombstone everyone will have equal share of the wealth."

To inquiries about the similarity between this system and communism, Datuk A.K.M responded: "Oh, didn't you know? We are basing this on the China's communist government, except, we lean towards the Malays of course. We won't stop until the Malays own at least 30% of every Malaysian company, controls at least 30% of the economy, and 30% of anything else the other races create."

Okay, so we are all about equality, let's leave it at that. But what about the education system since independence? Why do our history books contain 7 chapters on Islam, but only 1 chapter on the other religions?

"Well, obviously, it's because you all are living in an Islamic country. You have to study Islam," replied Datuk A.K.M. "While the other religions had played a part in the country's past, Islam is the latest religion approved by the global community, so we should all study it and admit it is the only truth."

"Regarding Yap Ah Loy, yes he did modernize Kuala Lumpur, in effect creating our country's capital city. But he lied, cheated, manipulated, intimidated, bribed, and fought his way to realize that ambition, so he isn't a very good role model for our impressionable youngsters. So we decided to limit his details to a single paragraph in our history textbooks, highlighting his gang dealings."

Very impressive, so the politicians have decided that dirty politics have no place in this country. What an admirable group of people we have leading us!

What then about other historical subjects not mentioned in our history books? While we have 7 chapters on Islam, we have zero on the Holocaust, zero on the Pol-Pot regime, unfinished story on Singapore, and only the briefest description of the 13th of May incident.

"Oh come on!" snapped Datuk A.K.M. "We shouldn't overload our children with information that will have no bearing on their lives. The important thing is they are all learning about the same thing, and that's as equal as the government can get."

On to the issue of the government's recent decision to hunt down Malaysian bloggers who spread "lies and rumours".

The question is, isn't this an action counterproductive to the Multimedia Super Corridor (MSC) project? Isn't freedom of speech the very basis of the Internet, where its first purpose was to share?

"Nooooo... It isn't isn't counterproductive. The MSC projects are still intact. The bloggers don't run the MSC, they don't run anything," proclaims Datuk A.K.M. "They are spreading lies and rumours that will compromise national security, sow disharmony by asking for complete equality, just like watching too many people committing suicides on tv will make you want to terminate yourself too."

But wouldn't it be better to just ignore the blog posts? Aren't Malaysians mature enough to make their own choices?

"Isn't it a fair deal, we arrest the people asking and giving ridiculous questions for your protection. You don't even need to care whether or not you are mature enough to choose," offers Datuk A.K.M.

To international news, America may finally decide to open their Presidential Election to the International community.

"We have realized for years now that America is the de facto ruler of the world," says Edward Gambal, senior correspondent for the Earth-America Party. "Once we receive approval, EVERYBODY will get to vote for America!"

This all makes perfect sense, seeing as no matter what the United Nations (UN), Non-Aligned Movement (NAM), Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC), and the bodies of the world say, America will always do things her way.

"To ensure America, and thus the world is run by proper hands, we fully support this proposal," said Osama bin Laden, wanted terrorist, on his personal video blog. "When this election is put in place, I will finally be able to realize my childhood dreams of being called President Osama."

This move wouldn't be complete without some opposition, and it comes in the form of the American ranchers.

"We ain't be able to talk like roughnecks no more," said Bill Grant. "And I ain't gonna be allowed to kill more Muslims trespassers on my land."

Happy Independence Day.

Dead of the Week: 16
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 480

Bleak in Black

Physiognomy, Deleterious, Lout, Cavort, Prole, Lectern, Stultify, Aphorism, Expiation, Typology, Etiology, Hermeneutics, Exogamy, Exculpate, Hagiography, Cathexis, Expedient, Somatic, Exigency, Telos, Monistic, Paunch, Stratification, Wharf, Fretsaw, Mogrify.

My first Sixth Form exams will take place in less than sixteen hours. My current lifestyle depends entirely upon how well I do in these school examinations; therefore, should posts to A Stray World suddenly come to an abrupt halt, it will be wise to assume something unmentionably bad has befallen your faceless polemist.

Since I wish to enjoy the second season of House on AXN, please excuse the brevity of this entry.

The leatherback turtle is extinct, exiled from existence through the exculpated excusable expediency of ma(laysia)n.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 464

Peace Processes

Curlews, cul-de-sac, Nihilist, Existentialist, Desultory, Edification, Suet, Palatial, je ne sais quoi, Facetious, Madrigal, Svengali, Straddle, Tallow, Epistemology, Abstruse, Culottes, Moquette, Idiosyncratic, Cravat, Dichotomy, Salient, hoi polloi, Rejoinder, Trin, Pathos, Trenchant, Languorous, Expectorated, Lissome, Ruminating, Soignee, Mien, Abortifacient, Mucilage, Traduce, Repudiate, Peltier, Anhidrosis, Execrate, Pillory, Soiree, Short-shifting, Lugubrious, Bearish, Attenuate, Manque, Immoderate.

On this special edition of A Stray World, we explore the minds of President George W. Bush's top aids to find out their alternative top three ways to bring about peace in any conflict, regardless of the reasons; prepared exclusively for the Malaysian audience.

Method 1: Accelerating Mass of Stones and Pebbles

You know, nothing brings humanity closer together than a good old end-of-the-world story. End of the world affairs such as the memorable Armageddon which introduced Aerosmith to Malaysians have proven that in times of great peril, everyone stops fighting and awaits death.

To execute this plan however, we must first identify a suitable Near-Earth object (NEO) as part of our peace process.

Using the data provided by NASA's NEO Program, we will settle for object 2001 UP, a NEO measuring 20 metres to 44 metres which will approach to within 12.3 LD (1 Lunar Distance = 384000 km) to Earth.

Since we are only trying to create a peaceful region and not a peaceful world, a 20 metre to 44 metre object will b e sufficient.

Let's select a region of incessant conflict like, oh I don't know..The Middle-East? We must then select a high-profile target to destroy that brings the best chance of peace.

Remember, this is only a technological upgrade to the current method of blowing-everyone-into -human-fertilizer peace process.

The only target that comes to mind will of course be the contested city of Jerusalem. A place of worship for three religions also happens to be a place of conflict for three religions. The only solution, naturally, is to destroy this evil instigator of war.

By launching a highly dense object close to 2001 UP, the NEO may be guided into the general vicinity of Jerusalem; where it may or may not hit the jackpot.

Either way, prior to the destruction of the city or the settlements around it, news of the event will cause everyone to drop arms, huddle against one another, and engage in mass orgies unseen in this part of the region since Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain.

Depending on the accuracy of the projectile, after the Holy City, or the holy settlements around the holy region is reduced to holy rubble, the (surviving) inhabitants will hopefully remember how enjoyable sex was when they figured the world was coming to an end and never fire another bullet again.

Method 2: Pseudo Tsunami

Building upon my colleague's previous method for bringing everlasting peace, I wish to draw attention to the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004, where separatist factions and the government of Indonesia and Sri Lanka arranged an immediate no-strings-attached ceasefire upon noticing the huge number of dead bodies and debris surfing the waves.

Let's not forget the unprecedented financial, medical, and military aid provided by the international community to the survivors of the natural disaster.

This is a map of the Middle-East:

As you can see, there is a body of water conveniently placed close to the states currently in conflict.

By detonating a nuclear bomb on the pretext of weapons testing, we should be seeing a huge wall of salt water crashing into the coasts of Lebanon and Israel, with the possibility of giving Cyprus a good old wipe-out; a slight peppering of Syria to the North; and if we are lucky, see an early flooding of the Nile.

Think of it as the C-section to the birth pangs of an emerging new Middle East.

Method 3: The Condi Recital

There is little in life more entertaining than watching aggressive politicians known for their Mona-Lisa-after-vinegar-smile with specious arguments of birth-pangs displaying the results of piano lessons forced upon them by their parents.

It is during these moments that we truly understand why they will suck more than a hospital-grade rental electric breast pump if they should release an album.

By calling upon the Bush Administration to organise a "Calls for Immediate Ceasefire" concert with the United Nation's and ASEAN's ongoing "We Strongly Urge, Condemn, and Understand" bake sale, this author hopes to unite the peoples of the Middle East to enjoy the greatest tomato pelting, ginger-ale quaffing food fight on the planet.

Due to the close proximity of the proposed event to the Dead Sea, various pickled collector items will be found on market shelves worldwide soon after the peaceful event.

All proceeds will of course, be used to rebuild wartorn countries raped by generations of war.

Think of it as the baby shower held after a particularly hard pregnancy where the father was locked up in prison with a glass shrapnel embedded in his right eye.

P.S. My security advisor advised me to lay low for a while last week due to my weakened physical condition as a result of a four-hour 22 kilometre exertion during last Sunday's Penang International Bridge Marathon.

Fortunately, the beer chugging assassin sent to finish me off couldn't find his way to LAX and ended up inebriated and stranded somewhere in Nebraska.

P.P.S. Regarding the recent decision by the Malaysian government to betray its promise not to censor the web; I can only say if I am arrested for this entry, or for any previous entry, it will be wise to conclude that these people lack the ability to distinguish between satire and truth - which are both very different things...

Dead of the Week: 26
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 437