Sunday, January 29, 2006

Clean Porch?

Gratuitous, Irreverent, Camber, Debauched, Cukes, Collation, Carnal, Auteur, Reprobate.

So this it it, eh? Chinese New Year. The most anticipated celebration on the Chinese Lunar Calendar. Besting other illustrious celebrations such as the Hungry Ghost Festival, and the Lunar Festival.

This is the 17th time I celebrate Chinese New Year. Unlike previous years however, my neurotic mother has decided to single handedly dampen the start of the year by acting like a five-year-old.

It all started yesterday when my family went to the crematorium to pay our respects to my paternal grandmother and paternal uncle. After the incineration of a few coloured papers, which miraculously allows the transfer of large amounts of cash to our family in the afterlife, we went to a local hypermarket. There, my father chided my mother (not without reason) for wasting time by running all over the place looking for free stuff and spending unnecessary time selecting ONE hamper from a few DOZEN identical ones.

On the way back, I gave my own two cents worth on another unrelated matter because my mother was being an arrogant hypocrite. After we got to visiting my former nanny, my sister gave some comments about my mother's obsessive greedy nature of trying to get as much free stuff as possible (she was siphoning off some rags).

The straw that broke the camels back however, was when we set out towards my maternal grandmother's house one hour behind schedule, because of an unexpected visit by my deceased uncle's family. Somehow, after acting quite unfairly towards my sister (when she was ordered by my mother to text message some people since she didn't want to do it herself), my father requested her to lighten up - it was New Year's Eve.

She blew up, and sulked all the way to my grandma's house, all the time saying she wasn't going to eat anything and why should we bother visiting other people during the celebrations. After an awkward dinner at my grandma's (she actually called them when she blew up to tell them we weren't coming when we were more than halfway there), we set off straight back home instead of another yearly event - visiting my other relatives who reside in Georgetown.

At home, she went straight into the neighbour's house that she had rented and didn't come out till 10p.m., whereupon she went straight to sleep. Meanwhile, my father, sister, and to a lesser extent, me, were sprucing up the house for the new year.

Frankly, if I didn't catch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Global Edition last night, and if Everton hadn't at least drew Chelsea last night, I wouldn't have been able to sleep.

As I'm writing this at 1.33p.m., I hear signs of activity outside my room which tells me my mother has finally left her bedroom.

In a nutshell, I don't think I have any respect left for my mother - a forty-year-old who is as mature as a five-year-old.

What I am going to do right now to temporarily forget my family troubles is to focus on Chinese New Year itself.

Chinese New Year is a very versatile and compact celebration. For those who have never celebrated it, think of it as Christmas and New Year mixed with a dash of Thanksgiving. By giving out ang pows (red packets filled with money) instead of presents, the Chinese have eliminated the bane of picking out the perfect present for that relative you don't really know or refuse to acknowledge. Another advantage is (correct me if I am wrong) you only need to give the dough to children and unmarried relatives.

For that special relation whom you have always disliked, you can decide to, uh, reduce the amount of contribution to their kids - and they wouldn't be the wiser until you are out of sight - since it's impolite to open a wrapped ang pow in front of the guy who gave it to you.

The Chinese even threw in family reunion and here's my favourite part - you can't sweep the floor or do any cleaning work during the New Year, because according to tradition, you would be "sweeping" the wealth away!

To wrap up the week, a domain name me and my buddies have been eyeing for a start-up company we are setting up has been hijacked by cybersquatters. But fear not, I am now preparing a case with whatever limited knowledge I have to snatch it back - legally.

Looks like all those episodes of Matlock I watched as a kid will won't be wasted...

P.S. 55 Geni died on Stargate: Atlantis when Colonel Sheppard raised the Stargate's shield. But because no bodies emerged, I decided not to add it to the counter.

Dead of the Week: 7
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 19

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Cool Yarmulkes

Brumal, Ferine, Wassail, Conjugal, Precis, Kitsch, Retention, Winnow, Conching.

One item will hog the spotlight today - my death counter.

Seeing that its previous moniker was quite a mouthful, I have shortened it to Dead of the Week and Total Dead.

The hot issue this week is a "I take back what I said" incident.

The Education Ministry has decided to rescind or in this case - reinstate the ban on handphone (aka cellphones, mobile phones) usage by students nationwide.

If this sounds familiar to anyone who has been watching The Nanny last week, I know you to are laughing at the irony of the situation.

For those who haven't kept pace with Malaysian news, a few weeks ago, the Education Ministry suddenly decided to repeal the ban of handphones in schools nationwide. However, a lot teachers and other individuals have vehemently protested the annulment of the ban - which in turn led to the return of the ban.

In short: Handphones Banned > Handphones Allowed > Handphones Banned.

Have you ever watched The Shield. If you haven't, I say it's time your parents allowed you to grow up young man OR, I sympathies that you never even had the chance to watch this show and must instead force yourself to enjoy The O.C.

Basically, Detective Vic Mackey's approach to drug dealers is to force them to pay "royalties" for the "privilege" to sell China White on the streets, by his rules. That way, as he so eloquently put it:"We may not be able to stop that shit from coming in, but at least we can make sure our kids don't take any of it."

NOTE: My memory isn't that good so don't sue me if that's not what he said.

In my opinion, the handphone issue should be handled the same way. The same way allegorically.

We should have rules regarding the usage of handphones in school - not an outright ban, which doesn't just seem lazy on the part of the teachers and lawmakers, but is downright anachronistic is this day and age where even a teddy bear has a functioning radioactive circuit board.

Besides, the students bring them to school anyway; regardless of whether the ban exists or not. At least with rules governing the usage of handphones, we can curb any unnecessary use of the device while ensuring the student have a reliable way of communication.

If you read the press statements saying there are public phones and the office phones at the students disposal - cook alphabet soup and let them eat their own words mate, because that's a half-truth.

There are public phones around the school. Except they are unreliable most of the time. I still remember that day when I had to lug my heavy school bag around for about 1 kilometre searching for a usable public phone so I could contact my parents. By that time, I was outside the school grounds; meaning I would have to trek back about 1 kilometre before I could reach the administrative offices and request permission from the surly school clerks to allow me to give a damn 10 cent phone call - which I didn't do.

Instead, I simply went to all the spots where my parents usually wait when school ends, which was faster and less tiring than "school trek".

If my plight isn't convincing enough, I have only one question:
Where do I sign up for the "Sadists Anonymous of Malaysia" club? I want to enhance my pleasure of watching those younger than me suffer and die.


And now to my final subject, the one where only Americans have the balls to leave comments. The rest don't want to raise "sensitivities".

It is evolution again, this time, in Malaysian schoolbooks.

Or rather, lack of.

When I was in Form 4, which was two years ago, I asked my biology teacher whether or not we would learn evolution. She said it wasn't in the highschool syllabus.

And here's the kicker: Every textbook of the three science subjects (Biology, Physics, Chemistry) forced upon me begins with a chapter that always begins or ends with a paragraph praising the greatness of God in creating this wonderful world.

Which god it refers to however, will forever remain an unspoken truth.

The fact of the matter is, religious technocrats write the school syllabus. Not scientists.

Be objective people!

I leave you with this quote from Jon Stewart:
"Whether or no you believe the solar system was created 4.6 billion years ago or 6000 years ago, depends on whether or not you are wrong."

I love Jewish comedians.

Dead of the Week: 11
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 12

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Dead Things

Lox, Loath, Melancholia, Inducement, Remiss, Inveigh, Inveigle.

And another week has come to an end. This time, I am, disturbingly, quite grateful, a lot of unfortunate events have occurred over the past week. I call it the "Jon Stewart Syndrome" whereby a person is glad that unfortunate acts of injustice and tragic events have occurred so that the said person is able to criticize and give his two cents worth to boost his credibility and popularity (which I seriously doubt is on the rise, especially after last weeks article which basically insulted 98% of the world's population).

I start first with the "People I Saw Dead (on tv)" counter at the bottom of this post.

It was inspired in part by a news article from a while back which claimed fatalities seen on tv has breached a certain three digit number (which I inconveniently, can't recall). But what really triggered the counter was a Calvin & Hobbes strip about the increase in violence seen on tv way back in 1985.

So there you go. The genesis of the counter of tv demise. Enjoy.

First food for thought: The state of the homeless in Malaysia.

No, I'm not referring to homeless people, I'm referring to homeless pets.

Malaysia, although rich in biodiversity and all that crap has a very impressive record of cruelty to animals. A few months back, a man was "punished" for cutting up a tiger and storing it in his fridge. A few weeks ago, certain zoos in Malaysia were found smuggling orang-utans from I-don't-really-want-to-know.

Now, we have abandoned animals. The SPCA, a non-profit organization dedicated to the welfare of abandoned pets has published a shocking report in The Star stating various breeds of dogs, cats, and even "exotic" pets left at their centres when they have outgrown their cuteness, or have lost their novelty, or have simply been too costly to keep.

There exists stereotypical images of skinny, diseased-riddened animals whenever one speaks of the SPCA in Malaysia. This is ultimately detrimental to the SPCA's adoption programme as no one wants to even go near them. I know this because my mother wouldn't heed my suggestion to adopt a dog from the SPCA and instead brought one home from her colleague, after telling me there were "worms" in those dogs.

She also displayed, to my extreme displeasure, the abhorrible trait of discarding things-you-can't-always-control by suggesting we send our current dog to the SPCA as he had become quite unruly; adding quite self-satisfyingly, the SPCA wanted dogs like him.


Our second highlight of the week is the harvesting of bear bile. A practice common among East Asian societies. Apparently, bear bile is the ultimate panacea, curing everything from impotence to (add you favourite ailment here).

Being of Chinese descent, I should be expected to comprehend the necessity of sticking a needle through the abdomen of a sun bear to suck out whatever bile there is and proceed to drink it; and I do, in a twisted way.

I mean, if the Geneva Convention allowed me to stick needles into a fellow human being to suck out his bile for consumption, I would be the first one in line to do it.

And here's the kicker: the people doing this claim they are doing it in a "humane way" and the bears "feel no pain".

Not surprisingly, no government I know of is actively banning the consumption of bear bile, due to the fact that it is extremely profitable - just like cheap porn.


On a lighter note, the Islamic Family Law has been stalled and will not be enforced due to the extremely misogynistic allotments within the law.

On an even lighter note, The Star has finally allotted three pages in its Sunday addition to Japanese anime. A long time coming that one.

On a simply downright frivolous note, I got my 'L' driving license.

Till then, be at peace with death.

People I Saw Dead (on tv) Last Week : 1
Total Number of People I Saw Dead (on tv): 1 (Since 12th Jan 2006)

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Burnt to Death

Obstreperous, Obeisance, Ottoman, Facile, Fricatives, Parse, Chockablock, Enfeeble, Perquisite, Stoic, Petard, Laconic, Epigram.

If the common man could travel the different paths of space-time back to its point of origin, he would discover that this blog was written using Notepad.

"Why?" he may ask. Because I'm using dial-up and my sister is on the phone (entering her first hour, proving that women do talk more on the phone than men, regardless of nationality) after a two hour session online.

So at this point, if my writing style seems somehow different from before, it might be due to the change of medium. Blogging using Notepad is somehow much more different than blogging using Blogger.

The past week has been quiet by Malaysian standards, with the death of a businessman as a result of careless placement of a lump of heavy metal (think Roadrunner) during construction of some forgettable building. The government is acting (or reacting) swiftly and preventive measures will be enforced nationwide to prevent another death by anvil.

As a result, I have the pleasure of devoting the rest of this blog to international news.

Number one on the list, Ariel Sharon in the hospital.

Yasser Arafat... Ring a bell, anyone? When the "great" Palestinian leader kicked the bucket, the peace process was actually expedited, not shot to smithereens.

Would the same thing happen when Sharon meets his maker. Tune in next week for the exciting season finale of "The Neverending Story of The Highly Political Charge and Unnecessary Israel-Palestine Conflict".

Come on, is it that hard to live in peace and harmony? On last count, Malaysia has more than three different races and more than two dozen ethnic groups with beliefs ranging from the mainstream single omnipresent entity, to animistic shamans.

We don't make blowing each other up a daily routine.

Another piece of news I'm very concerned about is the teaching of "intelligent design" in USA high schools.

For people not fully acquainted with the US Constitution (which I sincerely doubt), it stresses the separation between church and state. That means you can't mix religion with just about anything formal.

Here's where Darwin is proven right. Supporters of the huge wooden boat able to withstand 40 days on the high seas with enough provisions for every species of animals (strange isn't it, when you consider the fact there are no two pairs each of trees?) suddenly change the way the Bible is interpreted by suggesting life is too complex to have evolved from single cell organisms.

Gee, I didn't realise we would all be living in a two dimensional ecosystem if we had things our way.

Although there is no point adding fuel to fire, I am going ahead anyway:
  1. Why is it always the Christian method of genesis the way everyone supports when fighting Darwin's evolution fact?
  2. Why do most people choose to believe that a big green hand in the sky is protecting them rather than hard science?
  3. What would those parochial chauvinists do when extraterrestrial entities are discovered beyond Earth's atmosphere?
  4. If gods promote world peace, wouldn't: MORE GODS = MORE PEACE?
  5. Are you open enough to accept an alternate belief which is closer to the truth, although it runs into everything you have been thought?

I once believe in a god myself, but that was before I was told gods looked like me. Due to a non-existent ego, I imagined god to be one of the most feared natural phenomenon, a lump of smoldering red hot lava.

"Adults" however, having developed a culture of worship and obeisance, painted gods as human-like entities.

Think about it. I did, at the tender age of 5.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Nice Week

Ignominious, Expediency, Misogyny, Baluster, Indigenous, Churl, Trite, Cussing, Slinky.

As the title suggests, I had an excellent week, except for the fact that I paid FIVE RINGGIT for a cup (actually, make that 1/5 of a cup) of coffee at Coffee Bean.

I believe it was an espresso macchiato, the idea being that once you drink an espresso, you are allegedly guaranteed to stay awake for I don't know, till 2.00 a.m.?

Here's the problem - the instant coffee I brew at home is thicker than the stuff they served me. I suppose to lesser taste buds and wannabe coffee aficionados, the RM5.00 drain water might be strong; but I guarantee you, the extra strong mocha coffee I brew at home using generic instant coffee, generic instant milk, and generic cocoa powder has more kick that the diluted sludge they dare to call espresso.

Oh, and free internet access at Coffee Bean is a lie (which was the reason I went there in the first place). Never again will I visit overhyped upmarket franchised coffee houses for their coffee.

On a happier note, WiFi access is indeed free at Starbucks. Take note however that coffee is more expensive than "recreational" drugs in the Netherlands.

On an even happier note, TV2 has finally redeemed itself in the eyes of the investors (if there are any left) by airing some exciting new movies and tv series, especially The Lord of the Rings and Stargate: Atlantis!!!

My only gripe is that they released Stargate: Atlantis quietly. So quietly that I, a self professed sci-fi aficionado, missed seven, I said SEVEN episodes.

By the by, where the heck is Stargate: SG1. It's running into its ninth season in the US and we Malaysians are still stuck at season 3. What gives?

Well, you can't have everything in life, I will just have to do what everyone else does:
Save up and buy the DVD.

Here's to a fruitful and entertaining year.

P.S. If you have noticed, my blog is now licensed under Creative Commons. If you are calling your lawyer right now, I will assume you don't know what it means. Scroll to the end of the page to find out.