Clean Porch?

Gratuitous, Irreverent, Camber, Debauched, Cukes, Collation, Carnal, Auteur, Reprobate.

So this it it, eh? Chinese New Year. The most anticipated celebration on the Chinese Lunar Calendar. Besting other illustrious celebrations such as the Hungry Ghost Festival, and the Lunar Festival.

This is the 17th time I celebrate Chinese New Year. Unlike previous years however, my neurotic mother has decided to single handedly dampen the start of the year by acting like a five-year-old.

It all started yesterday when my family went to the crematorium to pay our respects to my paternal grandmother and paternal uncle. After the incineration of a few coloured papers, which miraculously allows the transfer of large amounts of cash to our family in the afterlife, we went to a local hypermarket. There, my father chided my mother (not without reason) for wasting time by running all over the place looking for free stuff and spending unnecessary time selecting ONE hamper from a few DOZEN identical ones.

On the way back, I gave my own two cents worth on another unrelated matter because my mother was being an arrogant hypocrite. After we got to visiting my former nanny, my sister gave some comments about my mother's obsessive greedy nature of trying to get as much free stuff as possible (she was siphoning off some rags).

The straw that broke the camels back however, was when we set out towards my maternal grandmother's house one hour behind schedule, because of an unexpected visit by my deceased uncle's family. Somehow, after acting quite unfairly towards my sister (when she was ordered by my mother to text message some people since she didn't want to do it herself), my father requested her to lighten up - it was New Year's Eve.

She blew up, and sulked all the way to my grandma's house, all the time saying she wasn't going to eat anything and why should we bother visiting other people during the celebrations. After an awkward dinner at my grandma's (she actually called them when she blew up to tell them we weren't coming when we were more than halfway there), we set off straight back home instead of another yearly event - visiting my other relatives who reside in Georgetown.

At home, she went straight into the neighbour's house that she had rented and didn't come out till 10p.m., whereupon she went straight to sleep. Meanwhile, my father, sister, and to a lesser extent, me, were sprucing up the house for the new year.

Frankly, if I didn't catch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Global Edition last night, and if Everton hadn't at least drew Chelsea last night, I wouldn't have been able to sleep.

As I'm writing this at 1.33p.m., I hear signs of activity outside my room which tells me my mother has finally left her bedroom.

In a nutshell, I don't think I have any respect left for my mother - a forty-year-old who is as mature as a five-year-old.

What I am going to do right now to temporarily forget my family troubles is to focus on Chinese New Year itself.

Chinese New Year is a very versatile and compact celebration. For those who have never celebrated it, think of it as Christmas and New Year mixed with a dash of Thanksgiving. By giving out ang pows (red packets filled with money) instead of presents, the Chinese have eliminated the bane of picking out the perfect present for that relative you don't really know or refuse to acknowledge. Another advantage is (correct me if I am wrong) you only need to give the dough to children and unmarried relatives.

For that special relation whom you have always disliked, you can decide to, uh, reduce the amount of contribution to their kids - and they wouldn't be the wiser until you are out of sight - since it's impolite to open a wrapped ang pow in front of the guy who gave it to you.

The Chinese even threw in family reunion and here's my favourite part - you can't sweep the floor or do any cleaning work during the New Year, because according to tradition, you would be "sweeping" the wealth away!

To wrap up the week, a domain name me and my buddies have been eyeing for a start-up company we are setting up has been hijacked by cybersquatters. But fear not, I am now preparing a case with whatever limited knowledge I have to snatch it back - legally.

Looks like all those episodes of Matlock I watched as a kid will won't be wasted...

P.S. 55 Geni died on Stargate: Atlantis when Colonel Sheppard raised the Stargate's shield. But because no bodies emerged, I decided not to add it to the counter.

Dead of the Week: 7
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 19