Sphere of Nadir

New words: Plamp, Gewgaw, Gimcrack, Pareo, Bandeau.

This week on, A Stray World,

• Malaysians inspired by Iraqi win, plans to commit acts of terror.

This month has seen its fair share of Malaysian sportsmen achieving their fair share of worldly recognition. From Nicol David and her recent double win in less than two weeks, to the abysmal performance of the Malaysian football squad, to the little known Ibrahim bin Amir who progressed to the finals of the Asian 9-Ball tour.

In all the clamour for ratings and attention, it is very apparent that the Malaysian football team wishes to draw as little attention to itself as possible. That will soon change if a group of patriotic students get their way.

"We are going to blow up Parliament," said the spokeswoman for the Death for Football Soccer Club. Clad in a full length burqa and face veil, she juggles what looks like a packet of plastic explosives wrapped in newspaper clippings of fan mail to the Malaysian football team.

"So unambitious," said the man to her right, identified as a nobody insurance salesman. "I am going to destroy Bukit Jalil Stadium. That's sure to make an impact."

You are probably wondering why these mediocre examples of successful Malaysians are planning acts of terror.

"We are great supporters of the Malaysian football team. All my life, I have been a supporter of Penang. I have never watched an English Premiership match and I have never donned the colours of any foreign football club t-shirt," said the burqa clad spokeswoman. "So it was a gut wrenching experience watching our national squad fall to pieces during the Asian Cup. But the good news was, Iraq won the damn tournament!"

"That gave us ideas. Since the Malaysian government is totally useless in building a proper football team, we, the people of Malaysia, will take up arms, like the Iraqis, to build our own brand of tough-as-nails, never-say-die football players."

"We have everything planned out. First, we will destroy or attempt to destroy every single prominent building or structure in Malaysia. Then, suicide bombers will blow themselves up every day at densely populated areas."

"Then, we will plant explosives in the fields of every single stadium in every state. Hopefully, this will result in the dismemberment of the entire football management which will result in extreme chaos that will, with the grace of god, plunge the country into a pseudo-nuclear holocaust."

"Our talented football players will then, have no choice but to pack their bags and ply their trade in other countries like Indonesia, Vietnam, and Thailand. I am sure they will be treated with the minimal respect and dignity United Nations certified asylum seekers expect in this country."

"While we continue our patriotic acts of terror in the Peninsula, our foreign based football players will have garnered enough skill and experienced enough hardship to finally unite as a team for regular training sessions under a foreign coach in Thailand."

"By then, whether they like it or not, they will become the shining beacon of a civil-war torn country. Their every action will be heavily scrutinized, and every win punctuated by deadly gunfire into the heavens."

"Then, they will go on to win the World Cup, which will unite the entire country under the banner of peace through sports."

"Hopefully, I will be able to shed tears of joy when we finally win the coveted trophy four years after we begin our campaign of patriotic destruction."
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