Studying, Ending, Humanity.

Weir, Dyke, Prognostic, Apotheosis, Effulgence, Bosky, Apocryphal, Spurious, Prodigious, Garret, cum grano salis, Sorrel, Perforce, Gimlet, Vim, Bugger.

Something to Live for,
Something to Die for,
Living to Die,
Dying to Live.

This week on a Stray World:

• Global Warming/Reset the World?

Global Warming/Reset the World?
I caught a snippet of the naysayers in The Star over the week. The discussion was centred on global warming, or rather, the lack thereof.

I should probably add the total number of naysayers were ten divided by ten strong, and the reply one hundred minus ninety-nine in amount.

Basically, the gist of the letter quoted a few facts and figures which apparently support the idea global warming is a myth. Where the rising temperature is actually a natural progression of natural climate change by Mother Nature.

Here's a low down on what the naysayers say about global warming:

• An increase of 1 degree Fahrenheit over two decades is irrelevant because the measurements were taken from local micro-habitats which have undergone severe changes over the years;
• What the greenhouse gas producing countries spew out from their industries is nothing compared to what Mother Nature expels from her gut, e.g., volcanoes, decaying vegetation, etc.
• Global warming is actually delaying the next ice-age;
• Carbon trading schemes are essentially useless due to governments setting lax carbon-emission targets;
  
• With several million members worldwide, the 'greens' or environmentalists are an industry upon itself bent on profit,
• Environmental movements are hampering human right efforts worldwide by emphasising on the protection of the environment above all else.

It must be made clear, first of all, global warming is a science, not a fundamentalist struggle by environmentalists. Decades ago, during a period in the middle of the 20th century, a cold spell led many to believe the next ice age was upon us. Today, probably the very same climatologists are vouching for global warming.

While this may seem contradictory at first, we must remember the application of scientific methods is important in any scientific study.

To quote Gil Grissom from an episode of CSI: "When the evidence changes, so must the theory."

New studies and surveys of ice cores throughout the world have revealed several periods of warmth and cold throughout Earth's history. Cold periods are known as glacial periods, separated by warm, temperate interglacial periods.

This would then explain the up and down patterns of the Earth's climate during the past centuries.

Here is where it gets weird.

There is a Great Ocean Conveyor underneath the choppy waters surrounding the continents. Without making things too complicated, imagine a snaking line of hot water flowing from the equator to the poles, where they are cooled and sent back to the equatorial regions.

Science 101: Hot water is less dense than cold water. Hot water will therefore travel all the way up North before sinking to the bottom as it cools. Cooler water returns to the equatorial regions, completing the cycle.

That is why Berlin isn't as cold as Edmonton, even though they are located on the same altitude.

Global warming isn't so much the illness as the catalyst for an eventual ice-age. As the seas warm up, the polar ice caps begin to shrink. Shrinking ice caps don't just raise the sea level, they reduce the concentration of salt within the worlds' oceans. This is because most of the water trapped in the polar ice is freshwater.

Reducing the salinity of the seas means cold water becomes less dense than it should be. If cold water can't sink to the bottom of the oceans, the Great Ocean Conveyor comes to a standstill.

The result, instant ice age for the Northern Hemisphere.

Of course, this is all just theoretical. Nothing in science is absolute.

But it doesn't stop me from hoping a great tragedy like that will occur. Imagine a poor, derelict, starving Europe and America, and the rise of a powerful block of warm-climate agrarian countries in Latin America, Asia and Africa.

As depressed as I am about life, I would live to see that.

To answer the point raised where Mother Nature spew out more trash than all of humanity combined in a year, first we have to put things in perspective.

As usual a reminder, global warming as a science involves the study of various disciplines combined, and any individual component shouldn't be taken out of context.

It is irrefutable that volcanoes produce an amount of toxic gases greater than humans do every year. Additionally, industrial nations have cleaned up their practises and procedures over the decades.

However, one may be urged to forget the wholesale cutting of rainforests, highlands and other carbon absorbing structures on this planet. While industry practises may become cleaner, you can't expect Mother Nature to become more efficient by growing faster can you?

While plants may grow faster with increasing levels of carbon dioxide and warmer weather, as more forests are being levelled than being replanted, the efficiency of each plant in processing carbon dioxide must increase to make up for their fallen members.

To put it in perspective, Naruto using kage bunshin no jutsu to fight Orochimaru during the first season before the episode fillers.

In essence, Mother Nature may spew out more stuff than us, but unless we can eat our own vomit like her, humans become net contributor to greenhouse gases, however insignificant certain factions may describe it.

Criticism on the carbon trading scheme is valid.

Here's a run-down on carbon trading using suicide-bombers as a metaphor.

Imagine two Al-Qaeda cells with suicide bombers. Cell A contains 100 suicide bombers while Cell B contains 2 suicide bombers.

Due to management crisis as a result of multiple assassination and arrests of senior Al-Qaeda members, the number of suicide bombers in each cell must be capped so more can live on to take up administrative positions.

Let's say Osama only wants 50 suicide bombers in each cell, and Cell A needs all its suicide bombers to carry out bombing operations as it operates in a particularly busy Baghdad street; Cell A will either reduce the number of suicide bombers or, purchase the free membership for suicide bombers in cell B.

This means Cell A includes Cell B's quota in its numbers, with an extra two men.

If Osama states penalties for every man that exceeds the quota, Cell A will only need to pay for the two extra men.

Substitute the industrialised West for Al-Qaeda Cell A, the undeveloped third world countries for Al-Qaeda Cell B and carbon emissions for suicide bombers and that's carbon trading in a nutshell.

As the demand for carbon emission allowance increases from the developed nations, carbon credits (allowances for carbon emissions) increase in value, resulting in a very lucrative industry for all.

Smart, ingenious. Doomed to fail.

Even though carbon trading is supported by the EU, non-signatories of the Kyoto protocol such as the USA and China, who are the top two carbon emitting countries of the world, do not engage in carbon trading as actively as they do in Internet pornography.

Critics also point out local governments often set carbon-emission targets that are higher than what would be considered prudent and effective. This has resulted, not surprisingly in an increase of carbon emissions from countries who have delivered their John Hancock's to Kyoto such as Ireland.

Next point of contention in the global warming debate, environmentalists are nothing but imperial capitalists exercising every available measure to ensure undeveloped nations and communities stay undeveloped and poor.

Apparently, this is the reason various organisations wish to preserve local culture, to keep the black man in Africa and the Asians in their jungles.

Without rapid development (i.e. deforestation for industrial purposes) these countries will never compete on a level playing field with the heavily industrialised countries who can now supposedly, afford to reforest their raped lands.

Correct me if I am mistaken, but isn't America, THE most developed country actively implementing deplorable environmental policies?

Oil-fields in the Alaskan wilderness and overfishing of commercial fish-stocks aren't the standard practise for rehabilitating the environment.

Here, the critics are as naive as the environmentalists who believe the masses will come to accept the extinction of a species as a greater crime than murder.

Besides, there is an Asian country which has proven beyond a doubt it is possible to be an industrialised developed nation in harmony with traditional cultures and nature: Japan.

The country boasts the second largest economy after the US (developed), boasts master sword makers who still craft swords for a living (culture), and boasts an astounding 68.2% forest cover (environment).

I am all for shutting down their whaling fleets but you can't deny they still have a higer percentage of forest cover than Malaysia!

If they can do it, I fail to see why the rest of Asia and the world can't. Maybe we are just so lazy, we would rather swim in our own muck than clean up.

As usual, treat all this info with cum grano salis, as evidence continues to pour in regarding the effects of global warming will (not may) change facts into myth.

Rifts

Plage, Phrenology, Propitiate, Circumlocution, Sophistry.

A journey of darkness,
Begins with light.

• A1
• Sojourn

A1
The denouement of a long struggle is a sense of closure. Of finality. How then, should one feel after grand achievements that amounts to further public criticism?

This week, Malaysian society was abuzz with news of outstanding students achieving extremely favourable results in the SPM and STPM, especially the former, which is quoted as a benchmark of a student's performance through secondary school.

Having underwent a brief soul-searching of sorts has given me a new perspective on the issues at hand.

While a year ago, I berated society and the government at large for suppressing individual desire in pursuit of unrealistic national agendas; today I realise society has actually conditioned a new generation of single-minded photocopiers intent on pursuing life goals that echo social propriety.

The epiphany was echoed by reading the comments made by the successful students in the national dailies. Virtually every single remark and "secrets of success" had been mentioned the previous years and the years before.

The one most often mentioned by my teachers and fellow classmates, seniors and friends is to drill oneself in the intricacies of questions past. In fact, the only reason I got the highest grade possible for my Geography and History during the PMRs was due to five hours each of past year questions.

While in a way, this certainly proves the efficacy of the formula, it also implies there is only one certain route to go about life.

If life were about taking as many past year questions as possible, shouldn't we be pouring all our free time into the study of human history, on debates of morality and spirituality?

For Buddhism, the study of past lives is an intricate and necessary path to enlightenment. While I do not profess membership of any occult or religious institution myself, this is a disturbing point to ponder upon.

In an ironic twist, we are told and advised to disregard certain worldly affairs from our past for fear of arousing discontent, distraction, and disturbances. We are given lessons on the history of Islam in depth, yet disregard the Malaysian-Singaporean history. Little surprise why dealings with the island nation have always been contentious and confrontational.

Racial segregation is not given its full treatment, where the "parental mindset" of our leaders have deemed the public too immature for open debate regarding the subject.

They quote the constitution, and remind us of the social contract for peace and prosperity. Yet here we are, producing a new generation of Malaysian students who are found wanting when engaged in public debate, in society.

What is the value of an "A1".

Here, it is the epitome of success. The character of the person is rendered irrelevant. What they have become is a string of numbers and algebraic conformation.

Numbers and letters.

"She is a 16 A1 student."

"I got 9 A1's"

"Your future depends on your UPSR/PMR/SPM/STPM."

That is what we have become: a nation rich in culture and history made barren by education.

Sojourn
Actions are a result of thought, to state the obvious. Though sometimes, thought follows action, as the following suggests.

Last Saturday, after a brief discussion on certain school projects, I was left with four hours on the clock before my mother could make time to pick me up from school. As the route between my humble abode and school was split by a few hills and busy roads, human power alone is inadequate for commute.

With the state of public transportation as it was in Penang, to even suggest taking the bus would be akin to rowing a boat up the Himalayas with spoons and forks.

Nevertheless, one can attempt Biology past-year questions for only so long, which was when I decided to do a spur of the moment trek to the massive rain tree bordering the school compounds overlooking the Sixth Form blocks.

A few minutes was all I needed to reach the river's edge, where I followed the bank as closely as I dared. The bank was raised to a moderate 1 to 2 metres above the river level.

Thick grass thickets had been trimmed, however, most of the grass were still piled where they were, offering immediate sanctuary to any denizens nearby.

Immediate reptilian concerns were answered by the appearance of a juvenile monitor lizard, which under the thickets, resembled a section of a python. Closer inspection frightened the creature into a Olympic dive into the murky river.

Further trekking brought me to the quaint houses hugging the riverbank's edge. The rain tree was unreachable as the houses shielded whatever trail I could identify.

No doubt, further inspection would have brought me to the tree, but the forlorn playground overlooking the cemetery caught my attention.

The monkey bars were wrapped in netting of some sort, obviously for football. The swings half-broken and in real danger of collapse. One of the seats was angled in a perpendicular position, apparently defying the laws of physics as no objects other than the chains which held it were in contact with the contraption.

The sight of the dead-blocks of epitomes dedicated to people long consumed by the earth lay silently opposite the swings on that Saturday morning.

As I left, a sudden metal clanging brought my attention to the warning signpost, which forbade anyone under 12 years of age from using the facilities.

The metal plate, unscrewed at one end, banged against the post it was nailed to a second time, as if professing the disturbing neglect and disuse of the playground.

The sky was suitably morose, alternating between moments of moderate heat and complete darkness. The rain fell a few times, but not heavy enough to warrant a home invasion.

While I pondered the weight of issues burdening my thoughts, the feet kept walking. Soon, I found myself wandering Air Itam market.

I entered a book cum stationery store, and left unmoved by the titles on offer. 50 cents was spent on a Chinese snack, you za gui, if you can read Pin Yin. The rainy drizzle intensified for a brief moment before ebbing away completely.

I walked on without any general purpose. Trawling the streets of Penang for any new experiences on offer.

The Forest Ranger office was as usual, closed.

But the plants inside were thriving, so someone presumably enters the building occasionally.

The lives of the common man was exposed. An explosion rocked the town - a firecracker in broad daylight.

Grass mowers trimming the herbaceous side-walk beside the cemetery.

A man having lunch in the homes of the departed.

A bus driver beginning his journey around the island.

A couple in conversation.

And me, reaching the foot of the hills which led to my home.

A quick call, and my mum picked me up 45 minutes later.

The World in a Tram

Charnel, Abeyance, Indubitably, Sepulture, Sepulchral, Suppurating.

It's ranting time again on A Stray World. Pure unadulterated rush of blood-lust to satiate my hunger for vengeance.

• Snakes on a plane, to Hong Kong probably;
• Real life: Scottish Tourists in Penang.
  

First matter of the week is the successful reacquisition of of a few not less than 2400 banded rat snakes bound for the dining table of the ravenous Chinese.

Believed to be from Thailand, the hissing reptilians believed themselves saved from the awful fate of experiencing gastronomic disembowelling only to find themselves being auctioned off to be consumed by the same individuals who crave their sacred meat.

Apparently, these snakes are a "protected" species under the Wildlife Act 1972 and the Convention of Endangered Species of Fauna and Flora. Which amounts to a warning letter from the authorities with symbolic punitive measures.

Is there meaning to this outrage?

"We cannot simply release such a great number of snakes into the natural habitat in Penang or anywhere else in the country," says Hasnan Yusop, State Wildlife and National Parks Department director.

But surely that amounts to nothing more than being too lazy to supervise the return of the snakes to their country of origin.

"If the snakes are released into the wild, they might die or breed and become a pest," he added.

Correct me if I am mistaken old chap, but you shouldn't talk about your children that way. I mean, that would be tantamount to calling the entire human race a cancerous plague of flesh devouring parasites.

"We also cannot keep the snakes for long, as we would have problems feeding them. Plus, wild animals in captivity suffer from stress," said Hasnan.

Kid, I know the way people look at you when you walk out of that run-down shoe-store you call a house. However, the Wildlife and National Parks Department, as a government agency, surely receives substantial funding in carrying out its duties to protect all wildlife.

It isn't rocket science. The snakes are believed to be from Thailand.

That means there are fellow banded rat snakes slithering around in Thailand.

That means someone collected them from Thailand.

So it is too much to ask to return the snakes to their homes in Thailand?

"Yes it is," says a G-man. "You know the adage, 'if you can't beat them, join them'? You do? Well, we have changed our enforcement policy from 'we don't give a damn' to 'steal from crime, to profit from crime'."

Isn't that unethical?

"No way! We are the government, we wouldn't do anything illegal or wrong! We will just write a few more federal laws to legalise this campaign."

You mean there is more to come?

"Certainly. We will adapt the 'Endangered Wildlife for Sale" campaign for the "Seized Drugs for Sale" programme. Instead of combating the drug menace, we will start general distribution of any and all forms of therapeutic (Wink! Wink!) medication to the general public."

"We cut out the middleman, generate income for the state, and give good weed at a discount to the public while the bad guys get warning letters and fines. It's a win-win situation if you ask me."

Next up on the menu features some actual, real life encounters with Scottish tourists from your polemic blogger.

Yesterday evening (Sunday), I went along blissfully unaware of the actual objective of heading to the top of Penang Hill with five other blokes (I suppose I shouldn't term the only reed-thin girl in our group a bloke) to get this, snap emotive pictures of Penang hill.

Expecting an expert photographer to accompany us to the top to presumably advise us on the proper manner in which a photo should be taken, we were less than amused when he became, allegedly, too sick to turn up.

At the uppermost station, the team went to a wooden platform overlooking the magma like trails of Penang Island, and proceeded to snap the said scene with cheap digital cameras.

Having experienced the terror of film photography for most of my life (my family still uses film), I was less than amused to discover the lack of any proper cameras to capture te scenes before us.

How do you expect to take good pictures with a camera as flat as and narrow as the PAS government or a half-hearted attempt at a D-SLR with the pretensions of this countries inter-racial harmony.

More events occurred during the night to fuel my growing cynicism regarding the entire affair.

The guys actually started posing the girl and another guy in a seemingly romantic fashion underneath the neon lights along the main trail.

This scene of manufactured pretensions stopped just short of liquefying my internal organs followed by violent retching and paroxysms which would have resulted in a piece of foam-like polymer spread across the black tarmac with a piece of decayed orange where the brain should have been.

Fortunately, the night didn't end on that meaningful note.

While taking the last tram down Penang Hill, I found myself engaging a Scottish couple about topics ranging from global warming, Scots and Irish, Malaysian history of affirmative action, my school holiday, Welsh, and forestry practises in Malaysia.

The slightly weathered middle-aged man was seemingly engaging with the thick Scottish accent making every moment of a conversation an exercise in concentration.

Thankfully, all those hours spent on BBC Entertainment haven't been in vain.

At the middle station, we switched trams, and I found myself with the son of the Scottish couple.

He was the typical backpacker. Having travelled Europe, Russia, Mongolia, China, North Korea, South Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, and now, Malaysia.

He had apparently stumbled into his parents during a leg of his unplanned, carefree journey. Saving up for the trip of his life, he had every right to regale me with tales of buying illegal DVDs in China (apparently, you choose your DVDs by choosing your clothes; just like the agents in Alias) or visiting the DMZ from both ends of the Korean border for a look at what international co-operation means (the North Koreans string up a fence barricade; the South Koreans string up a line of gunmen).

In Cambodia, they use American Dollars for daily transaction, which means our intrepid backpacker found Cambodia to be quite costly!

Yesterday evening, he went up Penang Hill. Yes, I concur, that doesn't sound very appealing, nor exciting.

Depending on the availability of cheap tickets to Japan, his next destination is between Japan, Singapore, and Borneo.

My guess is, he will choose the latter over the other two because visiting Japan alone will be expensive while Singapore is culturally dead (when he asked my opinion of places worth visiting in Singapore, I could only quote the Singapore Science Canter and the operas on Esplanade; not exactly cheap backpacker stuff).

He presumably ends his trip in Australia, where he will reacquaint himself with some distant relations.

We said our goodbyes and I went home to a victorious Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong.

A happy ending for once.

Of Dignity & Chastity

Shrift, Transgression, Colliers, Choler, Maidenhead, Pernicious, Posterity, Forsworn, Tetchy, Stinted, Prolixity, Lath, Masque, Alderman, Trencher, Disparagement, Perforce, Prorogue, Distemper

This week on A Stray World:

• Cleric recommends chastity belts, group to take up challenge;
• More spying Mat Skoding, extra protection for all;
• Dr Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin, as good as they get.

"Women should wear chastity belts to prevent rape, incest and other sex crimes," said Abu Hassan Din Al Hafiz, alledgedly prominent Muslim Cleric during a speech on the 16th of February in Terengganu.

That was the absolutely brilliant idea pushed to the forefront as a result of substantial surveys and follow-ups conducted by the coalition of Muslim clerics.

The greater incidences of rape as a result of provocative clothing, a postulation that has since met its end has resulted in a commendable backtrack by the conservative clerics.

Realising their foolhardy mistake, they have embarked on a separate branch of thought, that it is the men that are to be blamed when women are raped, as opposed to their former postulation, where the women are blamed when women are raped.

Just what exactly is a chastity belt? What form does it take?As one may observe from the image above, there are two holes at opposite ends of the metallic strap for the passing of body wastes. Sharp edges prevent the insertion of the male appendage for sexual pleasure. Sexual gratification through other means though, seem probable given the relative size of the holes.

This medieval device demonstrates how effective the common padlock is in securing a woman's dignity, which is exactly what the clerics are aiming for.

It is therefore rather perplexing on their part when public outcry against the device has pushed them once more, back to the drawing board.

It is rather interesting to note, chastity belts are rather popular in Indonesia. This is a country who's inhabitants have displayed acute flexibility and pragmatism in their willingness to purchase chastity belts.

Rather than fret about the inanities of the inhabitants of this nation, we move on to another topic that has gripped the nation amid a sudden economic boom - the Mat Skoding.

Terengganu State Islam Hadhari and Welfare Committee chairman Datuk Rosol Wahid, suggests the establishment of a respected body of busy-bodies to weed out men and women who commit immoral offences. Such as the khalwat, or close proximity offence.

Among the advantages attributed to the formation of the Mat Skoding are,

• reduction in cases of men and women dating;
  
• reduction in cases of men and women copulating; and
  
• reduction in cases of men and women getting married.

Obviously, the Mat Skoding themselves must display nothing but the most admirable of human qualities. To achieve this end, the Terengganu government has seized upon the previously defunct idea of chastity belts and have issued a state directive for all Mat Skoding to attire themselves with the "armour of dignity".
The above picture would be an example of this joint venture between the state government and BDSM entities across our fair nations borders.

Mat Skoding who fail to purchase a chastity belt of their own will be compelled to make their own.

With their morality firmly secured, the people can rest assured, the person video-taping your movements is certainly dignified to the extreme.

The final article of the day features none other than the rising star of the state clerics, Dr. Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin.

He has given the following suggestions to legalise khalwat detecting:

• THE operation must not stir the development of tajassus (spying to find fault) offences in Muslim society and as such the informer has to ascertain that he/she actually saw or heard the offence being committed;
• THE operation itself must not be conducted merely to spy for the sake of finding fault;
• THE operation must not be based on doubtful information;
• THE enforcement authority should not encourage people to lodge complaints on actions which can cause embarrassment among Muslims, and in this case the practice of giving rewards to informers in close proximity cases should be stopped;
• DETAILS of the offence committed should not be revealed prior to sentencing; and,
• OPERATIONS which are deemed to have adverse effects like infringing on the individuals' rights and privacy; an operation suspected of being carried out with malicious intent and creating hatred towards the religious enforcement agency should be abandoned.

Yes folks. This is the one who will bring all Malaysian Muslims into the 22nd century. The fact that he drew up the guidelines one must adhere to while snooping is not more significant than the actual acceptance of the act.

Well, I suppose this is as good as they get.

Chinese New Year 07

And we are back. It turns out the troubled landline dial tone was due to Telekom's (Malaysian telecommunications giant, by monopoly) new voice mail service for landlines.

After a technician came by and declared the phone lines were fault free, I decided to do some belated fiddling to the dial-up settings on my loyal 7-year-old Windows ME machine.

Changed from tone dial to pulse dial = no dial tone detected.

Unchecked the box to dial after detecting dial tone = Incorrect password

Frustrating isn't it. One month after my last visit to the web using my TmNet account and after solving a relatively easy but befuddling problem, and these pigs tell me my password is incorrect!

Who do we summon in this time of need?

Our clan know of one weapon,
Who's power is so great, company CEO's have offered free gifts to salve its murderous anger,
Who's ferocity is such, that pimply-faced office boys face death by the end of scissor blades at a word wronged,
And who's price is high, to the point our clansmen wield it at risk of eternal damnation,
My mother.

Six hours later, I was on-line, updating my anti-virus definitions and spyware protection lists.

Since this is my first post for a very long time, and on the first day of Chinese New Year at that, expect not white lies, foul knave, for thy words draw wounds on the soul, not carvings on webpages.

A time of peace and new beginnings shall commence, with the path of eternal rest still dimmed, shall we all seek the one tunnel to return us to sanity, and freedom.

Have a meaningful Chinese New Year.

Dearly Departed

Final Dead of the Week: 71
Final Death Toll (Since 12th Jan 2006): 1047

I leave it to you, ladies and gentlemen, to ponder on the grotesque nature of the mass media.

For more or less a year, I have faithfully logged the number of humans flatlining on television. Whether their death was as graceful as a lump of clotted blood stuck in the brain, or being chewed to pulp by giant bugs, one things for certain - a creative and sadistic method of murder and torture, should that be my intention, is mostly guaranteed.

How would you like to drown in a puddle 3cm deep, that can be arranged.

What about - hold on, I might be indirectly incriminating myself in any future homicides.

And on that suspicious note, I end today's entry.

P.S. My monitor is still dead, so I got a new one. However, as fate would have it, my phone's dial-tone has mutated into a heartbeat from a dead tone.

This funnily enough means I can make calls from my landline, but the modem interprets the beeping dial-tone as silence.

This post was published from stolen bandwidth at an international organization.

And The End

My monitor flickered,
Then it whimpered,
Before it turned black,
Now hit the sack!

Folks, I'm sorry. But its nigh impossible for me to update my post with a dead monitor. So until then, A Stray World will be on hold.

Unless of course, someone out there wishes to contribute articles.

Only requirement:
You have to write parodies.

Happy non-denominational Winter Holidays and a Happy New Year.

Fashionable Joys

Poulaines, Egress, Ingress.

This week on A Stray World:

• Storming Doha, Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong;
• KBMC No Longer Tolerates Indecent Dressing, Fines for Out of Season Attires;
• Kota Baru, Kuantan Most Porn Surfers, State Governments Declare Success.

Good day, and welcome to your weekly edition of A Stray World. We begin our coverage with the mostly underachieving badminton squad in Doha.

From the day I was born, badminton has always occupied a special place in my heart, even after my friendly neighbours actively isolated me from their social activities which included the sport.

For the first few years, I grew up with the mistaken impression that my generation's badminton players were world beaters. However, 18 long years of defeat after defeat (with occasional, rare victories) has left me understandably, less than hopeful of a success in Doha.

Every time I read "Malaysia hopes to avoid China" in the sports section of The Star, I can't help voicing my thoughts out loud: "If we are world beaters, why must we actively seek avoiding the strong teams?"

Fortunately, the wait for genuine success finally ended for me early this morning.

The young pair of Koo Kien Keat - Tan Boon Heong clinched gold in the doubles event; after destroying the world champions from China, and two formidable and respected Indonesian pairs.

Genuine success! I haven't felt this happy since the Republicans lost the mid-term elections.

Though it was almost two hours after midnight, I was punching and kicking the air with every point earned, earned!

Congratulations to the lads! I hope this won't be a one time only performance. Remember Hafiz and the All-England Tournament?

Back to stately affairs, we focus our lenses on Kelantan, the most Taliban-like state in Malaysia.

Due to intolerable fashion sense, the Kota Baru Municipal Council (KBMC) has taken the unenviable task of fining repeat offenders.

"These women are courting disaster," said a low ranking official from the KBMC. "When I was Afghanistan, the women dressed in-season all year round. Their all black and all blue burqas were stunning to say the least. The heavy black cloth covered every square centimetre of their body, hiding their feet, eyes and hair."

When pointed out these raiment were standard attire ever since the Taliban regime came to power, he had this to say: "Don't you know, black burqas have been the in-thing for the past 10 years. We are only trying to catch up."

He continued: "The things women wear these days are completely disrespectful to Islam. The clothes they wear now are clearly too comfortable. We men of Kelantan have to avert our eyes whenever one of these prostitutes strays in front of us. While the t-shirt, skirt, jeans, headscarf and Mickey Mouse socks cover the skin, we can identify them from the bulges in the fabric that they are female. We want to ensure these women resemble walking bedsheets as much as possible to prevent them from becoming objects of beauty and desire.

Ultimately, we want them to follow our commands so they won't be attacked or raped by law-abiding men. The fact that we are even talking about this subject shows how much we care about the dignity and respect of women.

Ask yourself, don't you think the men of Al-Qaeda are a lucky bunch when they don't have hear that utterly hateful question: Honey, do I look fat in this dress?"

On a separate note, Google Trends just released a report on porn related search in Malaysia.

Evidently, Kota Baru and Kuantan top the list for most porn related search.

State officials have taken this opportunity to congratulate themselves on not just bridging the technological gap between the traditionally backward East Coast states and West Coast states, but trumping the West for the very first time.

"We are so proud of ourselves, we couldn't have achieved this without everybody's contribution," said a state religious official. "For may years, I have always whipped my sons whenever I see them looking at naked women, now I regret those awful moments... Knowing now I should have been more supportive of his behaviour.

"I know. I will begin browsing those sites too from today onwards," said another state official. "The report even says Kelantanese use English terms such as 'sex' and 'porn' while the other states only use Malay terms. Some states even displays specific searches targeting Malay women. This shows the people of Kota Baru, the first Islamic City in Malaysia, are more open-minded than the people in other states. This also vindicates our state governments active gender discrimination policy, which seeks to wipe out women or anything resembling the female anatomy from the streets of Kelantan."

There are, however, a few disgruntled voices from the Kelantanese.

"I don't go for porn," a bold teenager stated. "My dad and his pals have been doing it for years. Ever since the state government issued edicts preventing my mother from undressing, my father and other husbands have been forced to 'seek the female form' elsewhere."

"They tried Thai prostitutes," he continued, "but the state government arrested him. Now he knows better, he surfs for porn using my Internet account."

Dead of the Week: 14
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 976

See the Light

Scoliosis, modus vivendi, Dialectics, Assignation, Simoon, Tarn, Idolatrous.

This week, on A Stray World:

• Rufaqa Corp, a Study of a Study.

Modern society is a pain in the perineum. Therefore, it is understandable why people would slip into the comforting cot of religion to seek solace and meaning to the inanities of life.

Religion, no doubt, has been a huge contributor to humanity's follies, and successes.

Follies:The crusades, Al-Qaeda, Iraq, Tamil Tigers, Pope Benedict and his misquoted reading of the evils of Islam.

Successes:Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama.

As they say, things come and go, and that has been the way in the evolution of religion. First came deitified inanimate objects, e.g., Ayer's Rock. Then, god organizations, e.g., Zeus, his wife Hera, his children, stepchildren, brothers and sisters etc.

Finally, we were introduced to the soloists.

After a few thousand years of warfare as a direct result of religious differences, we have finally found peace in warfare as a direct result of religious differences.

It is therefore, quite understandable why the powers that be would wish to put an end to the development of new religions.

As ancient history has shown, how the image of Buddha was adopted from the Greek god Apollo, Al-Arqam adopted an image of Islam.

Al-Arqam, and its succesor, Rufaqa' Corporation, are centred around Ashaari bin Muhammad bin Idris bin Ali bin Malae bin Abdul Kadir (AbMbIbAbMbAK).

According to his personal website on www.rufaqa.com, AbMbIbAbMbAK was a person born of noble blood, which means no cattle blood had ever been introduced into his family, unlike the rest of us.

Apparently, a well known but unheard of teacher of Islam predicted after his death, all of us would be as aimless as motherless chicks until the appearence someone named Ashaari...

After a few decades, a boy was born, and he was named Ashaari after daddy dreamt about an island. He grew up in the unmodernized village of Kampung Pilin.

Just like the ancient fable of racial unity through selected injustice the government has foisted onto us, Pilin was an untouched Utopia. Here, in a rural impoverished stretch of dirt where any hope of watching The Sound of Music died like birds with SARS, the villager's children are equally shared.

Everyone in the village was a parent, and any child may be apprehended and beaten while tied to the end of an ox.

In abject poverty, these people would cannibalize the weak until trees bore fruit, where they would become docile creatures upholding the traditional Malaysian values of giving and sharing the bounty.

By the time AbMbIbAbMbAK was 17, he had learnt everything he needed to know about life in a creepy rural village.

He went to the best school he could think of, pre-9/11 Arabian school. After attaining his Certificate of Enlightenment, AbMbIbAbMbAK decided it was time he became a leader to all the motherless chicks in Miami.

A wrongly purchased plane ticket later, AbMbIbAbMbAK set foot on the godless land of Malaysia, where he began running his "true path of God" business through Al-Arqam.

Soon, the Malaysian government and their misguided Islamic arm declared AbMbIbAbMbAK's teachings as deviationist, and with the grace of another god, pulverized Al Arqam in 1994.

AbMbIbAbMbAK though was a man possessed. He would not give up his vision of leading motherless chicks. Rufaqa' Corporation was established in 1997, and by practising the tenets found in God's Guide to Business for the Carzy and Maimed, saw his company grow by 1000% every year (at the expense of a few praiseworthy people who willingly parted with their life savings for a reach-god-quick-scheme).

Rufaqa expanded worldwide, and held nasheed concerts throughout the world. Even Prime Minister John Howard was touched by the soul enhancing and human illuminating concerts in Australia.

Rufaqa also busied itself holding brainwashing camps for young men and women and creating AbMbIbAbMbAK approved developments throughout the country.

It has also launched a book detailing the miraculous birth and life of AbMbIbAbMbAK, handicraft approved by AbMbIbAbMbAK, herbs patented by AbMbIbAbMbAK and AbMbIbAbMbAK friendly tourist packages.

So after exhibiting nothing but excellent acumen in business and a life lived in the image of god, the government has seen fit to shut AbMbIbAbMbAK down once more.

But fret not, like that cynical god-bashing skeptic who believes in the natural predisposition for all living things to freely select mates with preferable traits to be passed on to their children and eventually incorporated into the species so they may adapt more successfully into their environment, AbMbIbAbMbAK will be back.

Dead of the Week: 11
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 962

Free Flight

Prophylactic, Obstreperous, Alacrity, Couturier, Gallivant.

This week on, A Stray World:

• RM 47million Heist, Microchips Believed to be in Malaysia.

Only one issue makes it to the frontal lobes of your polemic authors brain this week. There are other issues of interest, but since watching CSI, I have been conditioned into a completely impartial observer which has deprived me of any ability to clear anyone of innocence or guilt in the Mongolian Murder case.

MPK councilors have been sworn in, but it is a non-issue because they will most certainly carry out their duties in a responsible manner by serving the public interest.

That leaves us with what has been said to be the biggest heist ever in Malaysian history.

Early Tuesday, four men dressed in RELA uniforms sashayed into the MASKargo Complex on the grounds on illegal immigrant hunting, a popular pastime here in Malaysia.

You see, illegal immigrant hunters do not require warrants or licenses to carry out their raids, since our nation practises a zero illegals at all costs policy.

Occasionally, white people are targets of these volunteer groups because they are married, not Muslims, and sleep together.

These white folk even have the gall to promote this country to their fellow countrymen! Don't they know school children in Malaysia are taught to write pengaruh budaya Barat (Western Culture) as one of the main reasons why criminals are multiplying, dissenting opinions threatening national harmony are being aired and reality singing contests are producing effeminate, impotent singers.

Back to the pseudo-RELA officers.

These elite team penetrated the heavy defenses of MASKargo to quite literally open the doors for the Greek army waiting outside.

Even MASKargo security, consisting a 2.000 strong army failed to mount any credible resistance to the 20 strong invaders.

Lo and behold! It turned out the group of robbers belonged to non other than the imfamous Mamak Gang, whose fearless skill and ingenious strategies rival the Gays and Lesbians Gang of America and the Chocolate Nutcases of France.

The no guns policy laid down by their commanders meant they could only use non deadly chloroform and white milky substances to subdue the workers.

Security officers from MASKargo had this to say:

"We weren't allowed to lay down security measures. How could we have guarded the facility?"

"It's not my fault. It's my mother who did it!"

"Heist? (yawn...) There was a heist?"

Dead of the Week: 7
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 951

The Rotten Stem of the Tongue

Chronobiology, Rumbustious



This week, on A Stray World:

• Gasing in Space, a Malaysian First;
• UMNO and the Great Agenda.
  
  

Malaysians nationwide rejoiced as the government revealed a planned experiment to test for harmful gases below the Spacecraft Maximum Allowable Concentration (SMAC) index.



Certain items may give off gases that under earthly conditions, remain harmless. In space though, the polar opposite may occur, where wooden objects like a certain Malay wooden toy known as the gasing in its native language may become a biological time bomb.



The same applies for the batu seremban and very much so for the durian (which certainly exceeds the SMAC with what some have described as rotten cheese with caramel.)



This explains why the Malaysian astronaut will be testing out these items when he finally reaches space.



Come on, no government except North Korea would consider playing traditional games in space at the cost US$ 25 million in hard cash and US$900 million worth of jet fighters.



That will be ludicrous beyond belief!



Had I read something like that in a nationally published English daily, I would have laughed till blood came out of my nose.



As our intrepid reporter Ahn Ser Mi found out while skirting the high-end streets of Kuala Lumpur, many actually failed to read between the lines.



Lu: "They are going to play gasings in space? We are a muhibbah nation, they should be playing go and doing the silamban too!"



Akim: "We have a space program that will eventually lead us to the Astrolympics. Way cool."



Moving on.



The UMNO General Assembly is a mildly respectable event for Malay leaders to air their concerns and views.



Being the majority race with limitless power, it is therefore understandable that these group of people need never be afraid of controversial views.



This offers a unique opportunity to bring true change to the country.



For reasons of brevity and amusement, I will now combine all the most productive and supported views during this illuminating event.



"We must stay strong and united as a single entity under the all uniting banner of Islam and Malay Rights.



We will always allow the freedom of religion for the other races but prevent our own from being contaminated with these inferior religions. After all, Islam is the One and True path to God. All non-Muslims therefore must realise Islam supersedes all other religions and to call it equal in stature would be seditious and detrimental to national harmony.



We must also unite in protecting one of our own. Even though the Datuk erred in his placement of his illegally built palace, we shouldn't let the other races attack him as an attack on him is an attack against UMNO. To our fellow brethren who have joined forces with these people, you are hereby branded traitors and will shortly be visited by the Parliamentary Whip.



Due to the recent uproar over the bumiputra stake, we have also confirmed rumours that our actual target is over 70% control of the nations economy. As soon as this target is reached, we will then aim for 99% control of the nation's economy and not 100% because we know the other races still need the 1% to survive.



We also state our moderate policies are for the benefit of all. For many long years, we have continued to ignore pollution, unsustainable development, and waste management and we strive to continue to ignore these issues so we may all discuss the equal distribution of wealth in this country.



Thank you and long live Tanah Melayu!"



Dead of the Week: 61

Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 944

Teeth

Contranym, Bandolier, trompe l'oeil, Swill, Lanyard, Hummel.

In our quest to rid this world of evil, this week, A Stray World looks at a recent debate in Malaysia and how they will shape the world for the better; and a frivolous article for reasons known only to me.

• Bangsa Malaysia: the Ambiguous Dream;
• The Dissection of Japanese Anime

Courtesy of The Star:

JOHOR BARU: The implementation of a wrongly interpreted concept of Bangsa Malaysia will jeopardise the stability and Constitution of the country, Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman said.

In his policy speech at the Johor Umno convention, Abdul Ghani questioned the need for the different races in the country to be ethnically diluted or mixed up (dileburkan untuk menjadi rojak) merely for a concept that was still hazy in its meaning.

“After 49 years of Independence, we should be mature enough not to try and introduce vague and unclear concepts.

“The term Bangsa Malaysia continues to be lauded by our friends under the name of unity and understanding without proper thought for its definition,” he said.

He reiterated that even if the term Bangsa Malaysia had to be used, it should be limited to the definition of the people of Malaysia with the Malays as the main race.

Abdul Ghani said that the Constitution did not encompass the concept of Bangsa Malaysia with the only definition of the different races being “Malays, Sarawak and Sabah bumiputeras as well as other races”.

After reading through that, I am inclined to agree that's where we are heading. After all, what's a future without a bit of honest fragmentation.

Don't believe me? Then take a look at the recent US mid-term elections.

Basically, these purveyors of democracy and freedom have produced some of the most racy um... material since the Klu Klux Klan.

There's the Republican ad targeting Harold Ford Jr. which implies black men steal white women from dirty white men.

Now, how different is that from the governments policy of taking a compulsory 30% stake in any non-Malay owned company (which means a non-Malay established the company).

Oh right, one is trying to portray a minority taking a majority while our local version is about the majority stealing from the minority.

See, if a modern developed nation known for democracy actively seeks to divide the people based on their skin colour, what's wrong with doing the same thing here?

Dividing people does have a proven track record. Observe how the good old British Imperialists divided India into India and Pakistan.

Yes, they were oh so right. Gandhi was soooooo wrong. Two people of differing faiths could never co-exist in peace and harmony. You need to cut them up, paint them different shades of yellow ochre, then steal money from one to give to the other.

For that, is the way to harmony.

Moving on.

Independence Day this year was special cubed because of the official launch of Animax.

Without wasting bandwidth, here are my top picks:

Jigoku Shoujo
It means hell girl. The premise is if you have a grudge against someone, for the price of being sent to hell upon death, you may send the said person to hell immediately.

The hooker: What would compel anyone to pay the ultimate price?

The moral lesson: I will never hold a grudge against anyone ever again.


The Law of Ueki
The story: Guy gets power to turn trash into trees by a candidate for God.

Apparently, God is retiring and He has chosen to hold a bizarre competition where tomatoes become lava bombs and foreheads turn into diamonds to choose His successor.

The hooker: Seeing a guy fighting by turning trash into trees.

The moral lesson: Always pick up trash lying on the ground. You never know when it might come in handy.

Gunslinger Girl
The story: A secret Italian government agency "fixes" broken girls; then trains them to become the perfect cyborg killers.

The hooker: We are looking at the perfect killer. Even if one of them is pointing a sub-machine gun in your face, could you shoot a child?

How wrong is that?

The lesson: Many. It's a social satire, you have to see it for yourself.

That's all for now, hope I'm still publishing next week.

Dead of the Week: 15
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 883

Waking Up

Perfunctory, Lariat, Mirthful, bon vivant, Extirpation, Rector, Quiescent, Libertine, Dissolute, Riposte, Percolate, Callipygian, Internist, Parable, Elision, Pernickety, Oleaginous.

It has been a while, hasn't it. Who would have thought the UPS unit I purchased for my PC wouldn't protect it from a blackout?

But, to quote the Menok-i Khrat:

"...though one be armed with the valour and strength of wisdom and knowledge, yet it is not possible to strive against fate."

I am using a six-year old computer running Windows ME. Statistical data meant the probability of my computer experiencing a nervous breakdown was long overdue.

It amazes me how quickly things have changed since logging out of the cyber world - it took me one week to catch up.

But hey! I am now proudly surfing the web on the spanking-new Firefox 2.0 while writing my blog using the Performancing add-on.

The main draw: A built in spell checker!

Animax has finally arrived on Astro (local satellite broadcasting network), meaning I have nothing more to look forward to in life.

You see, logging off from the Internet forced me to take a break from the sorrows of the world to my own woes.

Your confidence in the inherent "goodness" that lies in this world is pummeled into wood pulp when you realise humanity just doesn't deserve to exist.

Here we are, on the threshold of complete annihilation as a result of mismanaged resources, global warming, famine, extinction and poverty, and all our elders can think about is how much money we will be losing.

It would be wise to remember money is but an abstract representation of power, not the essence of power.

This week, my Form Six end of the year examinations begin - don't wish me good luck.

The entire exercise is as you recall, meaningless work.

I will be striving (actually, my mates will be striving) to earn good results from the MUET, Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics and PA papers.

For two years, we will be expected to do nothing but study these subjects.

And by study, I mean no television, no Internet, no books (other than the above mentioned subjects), no friends, no outings, no life.

We certainly are learning a lot.

Dead of the Week: 116
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 868

powered by performancing firefox

Gone But Not Forgotten

My computer is dead;
A blackout, a brownout,
Its lost its head.

Until the heir,
A Stray World will be in limbo.

Oh brothers wise and fair,
Look on with hands akimbo.

On Caprice

Concomitants, Labyrinthine, Seguidilla, Spiel, Debar, Abut, Pellucid, Tenon, Mortise, Prandial, Remit, Subsume, Fratello, Cloying.

This week, on A Stray World:

• The STPM, The Staple Torture of Pondering Men;

"The great revamp, it's coming! It's coming!" argues an incredulously optimistic lad. He believes the government knows what is best, and that all adults should continue voting for the same political party till the end of time.

Believe it or not, those sentiments are the general direction of my thoughts during Form One.

Things have changed now that I am in Form Six. Since those dark days of complete subservience, I have renounced government, god and gratification. I shall christen these my 3-ve G's.

Now that I have grown an adult brain, I will attempt to reconstruct the very situation which resulted in the creation of the STPM.

In a dark and dilapidated room, a man holding a dart sits on his wheelchair staring up at the picture of his ungrateful son.

With a swift throw the man plunges the needle of the dart into his son's forehead.

"You know what, let's make it harder for students to enter university," said the man to the then Education Minister. "Maybe they will be more grateful to us parents and continue the family coffin-making business after they realise its too damn hard to achieve straight-A's."

"Sure," said the minister, who was incidentally planning a way to give the bumiputra's further advantages in education.

And poof, we have the STPM. An examination whose sole purpose is to frustrate generations upon generations of students deemed unworthy of choosing the subjects they wish to study.

While the bumiputras receive a virtually guaranteed university ticket through their one year matriculation courses (some swift ones via SPM results), the unfortunate too-brilliant for their own good student community with slightly paler skin tones took their knowledge elsewhere.

While the incredible debts to MARA piled up, the other Malaysians, alienated by their own place of birth, took to the skies, and never came back.

Back on Earth, a new generation of STPM candidates prepare themselves for two more years of meaningless work.

Meaningless work, noun. Definition: Commonly referred to huge investments in time and energy to something completely unnecessary and meaningless, with the illusion that the person committed to the work is being productive.

Consider this, a sample question of the SAT. The examination almost all American students are required to sit to enter university:

If 44 is the average (arithmetic mean) of x, x, x, 35, and 65, then x =

1. 40
2. 42
3. 44
4. 48
5. 50

Wow, I can see now why American universities consider the STPM inferior to the SAT.

So here I am, a candidate for the STPM, where success means scoring straight A's with a 4.0 CGPA and hopefully getting the courses requested in the university of choice.

STPM success also means suppression of the mature mind in favour of those innocent wide-eye childhood years where you consume whatever you are asked to eat.

Failure is when straight A students fail to obtain their courses of choice for no apparent reason other than praying to the wrong god.

This compounded by the fact employers prefer college graduates to their STPM counterparts, although the college kids choose the subjects they wish to study themselves, as opposed to the streaming system of Form Six where the subjects are chosen by the more knowing government.

Questions... Questions... Questions....

Oh well, let's forget about it and continue studying. We simply aren't mature enough to choose yet.

By the way, you might like to try this site, everyday.

Dead of the Week: 11
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 752

Irwin

Concatenate, Briar, Claptrap, Caravanserai.

"These Hitlers use the camouflage of science to make money out of animals… So whenever they murder our animals and call it sustainable use, I'll fight it. Since when has killing a wild animal, eating it or wearing it, ever saved a species?

There are people who butt out their cigarettes in gorilla-paw ashtrays, with wastepaper baskets that were once elephant feet, who have ivory ornaments… who wear cheetah fur. Don't buy these things! Then there'll be no market and the animals won't be killed.

We have domesticated livestock raised for consumption and perfectly good fake leather and fur, so why must we kill wild animals to satisfy the macabre taste of some rich person?"

- Steve Irwin

(22 September 1962 - 4 September 2006)

Conservation with action was the way Steve Irwin did his job.

From wrestling alligators on television, buying huge tracts of land for conservation, giving candid interviews on talk shows, to managing Australia Zoo; he didn't just preach conservation, he was conservation.

While the expedient actions of our nation's politicians continue to dumbfound us with their blatantly ludicrous projects, Steve showed us all you didn't need to be a man-in-office to get things done.

You didn't even need RM 400.00 business suits or speak proper English.

Steve Irwin heralded a change in filming nature. While Sir David Attenborough was content with walking through jungles entertaining us with the stories of its denizens, Steve got involved with the stories.

With his death, Mother Nature has lost one of its most outspoken voice.

Sure, good old Steve and his conservation groups are enjoying the greatest windfall ever from his sudden death.

It won't last.

We will soon forget the man, forget the mission, and remember we have wars to fight, forests to burn, mosques to build...

Little wonder why the Perak and Sabah State Government can still carry out unsupervised and approved deforestation practises.

It is a sad fact that no matter how many Steve Irwins are born, people will be more preoccupied with the bust size of the next Hollywood starlet, the littlests squabbles of our neighbours, and the love scandals of our close circle of friends.

It sickens me:

• When the people elected never give a thought to the welfare of the environment until it's too late;
• When the people choose a neighbouring country's concrete safari over their own parks;
  
• When we stop seeing.

The next time you plan your holiday, take a trip to the Belum-Temenggor National Park.

The reason: You might never see it again.

Dead of the Week: 22
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 741

Realism

Raffish, Gaudy, Pejorative, Mitigate, Surfeit, Coquette, Eschews, Creolised, Pidgin, Pontificate, Dogmatism, Contiguous, Repast.

This week, on A Stray World:

• A Speech

In schools, we are given guidelines on how to write speeches, with the customary greetings, the presentation of facts, and a standard milked dry conclusion.

The fact of the matter is, if you used every principle of writing your teachers or tutors have imparted to write your speech - your audience will be so enthralled, they will take disapprovingly long and frequent toilet breaks throughout your lecture.

With my physical self far away from the nearest television on the 1st of September, I wasn't able to catch Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi's speech.

On the 30th of August, I manage to catch Gandhi, the movie with Ben Kingsley playing the title character. Almost everything he said was quotable, all of his words trenchant, every action meaningful.

This afternoon, on The West Wing, Matt Santos, a Democratic candidate refused to play by the normal rules of demeaning your opponents; instead reiterating why he wanted to become President of the United States, live.

Stating his policies in person.

The power of words lies not in a fabricated template of phrases or terminologies handed to you by your teachers or hired image consultants.

It lies as I have always said, by being passionate about what you are trying to speak or write.

This is starkly apparent when I find myself drawn to the plights of an African speaking broken colloquial English over the smooth, sleek, and ultimately pretentious self-serving speeches of Tony Blair.

I have great respect for a person willing to speak his mind, unadulterated and uncensored, even though I may dislike it.

So even if Khairy Jamaluddin just committed political suicide by intentionally dropping the racial card, I respect him for willing to push the boundaries of 'sensitive issues'.

He may be a racially-charged, Oxford-educated demagogue. But at least he has the balls to say what he thinks must be spoken.

I can't say the same for the rest of the politicians in Malaysia.

A half-a-billion ringgit sporting centre in London, forty-eight million ringgit worth of clothes for government officials are reduced to nothing more than pointless debates - we all know how much the government actually cares about this issues and their remedies.

So here is my challenge:

Let's suspend reality.

Malaysia is a democratic society where anyone can run for Prime Minister.

I am going to write my speech, a speech addressing the nation on why they should elect me as Prime Minister of Malaysia. And after I write my speech, I want you to write yours, or are you too busy with school projects and idle gossips?

My Speech
Greetings everyone, my name is Rewarp, and I am one of the many candidates vying for the post of Prime Minister of Malaysia.

You may not heard of me, and after this short televised interruption of Akademi Fantasia, I am sure you will never hear of me again.

Here is my agenda.

The present government has promised a budget that protects the rights various ethnic communities and safeguards the nations future.

It has given millions hope with a multi-billion ringgit education plan, and improvement of public transports.

To me, promising to protect the rights of every ethnic community is a failure in itself. Why can't we protect the right of the people? Using a single term to describe everyone. To impose no restrictions on a particular group of people with different skin tones and to give no handicaps to another group based on genealogy and belief.

Abdullah may speak of 'towering Malays'. But the only thing towering about them right now are their debts. Unpaid loans the government has kindly dismissed, loans derived from public funding and taxes.

Fuel subsides should be abolished.

This will cause a brief spell of hardship to the people, but think of the chain of events that will inevitably follow.

Research into alternative sources of cleaner energy will accelerate. Taxes on foreign cars with hybrid engines will be dramatically lowered, and the people will return to the days when only using what is necessary is the norm.

Not out-pimping your vehicle with silver hubcaps or expensive spoilers.

Not racing down the streets on modified motorcycles.

I must state here that I am an atheist. Unlike most religious leaders who might walk the thin line of 'holding great respect for every religion" because "we are all praising the same god in different ways", I choose to despise all religion equally, because all they do is to divide.

An undeniable, undesirable truth.

I loathe racial profiling, unless it's for medical reasons.

If you elect me I assure you I will not protect the "rights" of the Bumiputra. I intend to treat every single person in this country equally.

And if you can't accept isocracy, you are free to elect someone else.

Because this is a democratic nation, and it is your right to choose the leaders you want.

It is also your right to nominate yourself as leader, if you feel there are no leaders to your liking.

That, is the meaning of freedom.

Dead of the Week: 212
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 719

I, Rewarp

Tottered, Rattletrap, Intransigent, Hawkish, Valise, Perineum, Omadhaun, non compos mentis, Schemiel, Dolt, Bungler, Idiomatic, Pecuniary, Tort, Accoutre, Remiss, Diaphanous, Diaphoretic, fait accompli, Calabash, Inure, Eugeroic, Pizzazz.

This week, on a Stray World:

• Voyeurs of Rewarp

For quite some time, I have been reminded by one of my close friends Peter Chong, as well as some anonymous poster that they wish to know more about me and my life.

It's a sad fact of human nature that they tend to skim over unpleasant world events in favour of more saucy insights into the lives of insignificant, unimportant and sometimes unsavoury people.

Instead of the usual parody on major events, I am going to do a satirical retelling of my life... Nah, snippets of my life.

Let's begin.

Hi, my name is Rewarp and I like to piss people off. It doesn't matter who I piss off, as long as I piss them off.

I like to begin every post with a string of hard words not because I wish to keep a record of words I learnt during the week - its because I wish to crush the ego of every visitor to my site - you know, exactly like those raggings going on at every new intake at Malaysian universities so the freshmen will feel grateful and lucky for a chance at higher education.

Don't worry, the ragging is only for locals.

I then go on writing my insipid articles on global warming, sob stories, blah, blah, blah... Before writing a paragraph or so of the most interesting part: my life.

I noticed no matter how long, detailed, or funny my articles on major events are; more often than not, the comments generated usually target my life, such as: "Gross, maggots" or "You need a girlfriend".

I have noticed something else.

Popular blogs from Malaysia, I have been led to understand, contain lots of expletives and pictures of pretty girls with saucy phrases.

The following is unsuitable for the immature mind... Or rather, mature mind:

Merde! Scheiße! A classy lady all wrapped up. Cazzo in the figa, that's what I would like to do.

But the filho da puta, cacho mierda, vaffanculo, pirla police would throw me into the culo cell.

Well, anyway, she is Popuši mi kurac hot man.

Jebi se you coglioni anti-rape law.

Idi u pičku materinu.

(What? You actually expected me to post profanity you can understand immediately without doing research?)
Kurvin sin, man. Kurvin sin.

Well, that should drive up web traffic.

This school holiday, I went about my business. My software company business.

Sold something, did something else, now planning other things, which I can't reveal here because it belongs to the Sautern Enterprise blog.

Kankerlijer school also intruded my gadha life when I had to plan a back-of-dominant-open-handshape-flipped-out-under-chin (profanity-laced phrase using sign language) bug catching field trip where we only manage to capture お前 (omae) small bugs.

The biggest bug in our collection right now is a huge grasshopper not caught during the pinga field trip.

Well, I be usro, I caught it five metres away from the boundaries of my humble jebem ti mater house! I then spent one hour killing, skinning, and winging it.

It was a drawn out process because I like to make living things grovel and suffer through the long, unnecessary pain of hopelessness before snuffing them out.

As I stuck the long hypodermic needle between the anus of the poor impaled creature to inject a fatal, translucent liquid, I hoped to hell the teachers and the education system will never substitute taking digital pictures of the bugs to actually capturing and murdering them.

Besides, I am a sick masochist and a self-diagnosed necrophilic. This is one of those few moments where schoolwork is erogenous.

Why, this evening alone, I enthusiastically disposed the body of one of my pet rabbits which had also attracted the attention of a 1.5-metre long monitor lizard (a scavenger).

I spent one expletive-free hour muscling the creature out of the rabbit enclosure before getting rid of my dead pet.

Of course, I had left the body to set for 24 hours after discovering its dead body because I wanted to reprise the role of those cool CSI guys when they call for the T.O.D. (time of death).

It was all nasty and gross as the body had gone into partial rigor mortis, with various fly species hovering around. Its eyes were still open but only the whites were showing.

C.O.D. (cause of death) is unknown but I suspect it is a result of a broken neck inflicted by another rabbit biting on its neck.

End parody.

I hoped you hated this version of A Stray World.

We return to our irresponsibly-entertaining, profanity and expletive free satirical newscasting next week.

P.S. There are a few truths in this week's edition, just learn to read between the flower-bridge-pronounced-in-Cantonese lines.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 507

Is the Salver Old?

Chicanery, Carp, Tideway, Malapropos, Emend, Pealed, Nippy, Cavil, Obdurate, Randy.

On this weeks edition of A Stray World:

• August 31st: More Pretentious Celebrations in Store;
• Bloggers Beware, the Censor-Man is out to get you;
• Election 2008: All Nations Qualified.

Hello good people.

As all Malaysians are aware, our Independence Day celebrations are just around the corner. In less than a fortnight, we will all be enjoying fireworks and parades bought with public funds.

Independence: Hardly fought for; hardly forgotten; hardly appreciated.

In close to 49 years of independence, Malaysia has progressed from a fractured, poor country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races were divided along racial lines to a fractured, rich country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races are given benefits along racial lines.

Of course, as everyone knows, racial discrimination is bad. But a senior politician disagrees, saying it is for the benefit of the country.

"The only reason we have yet to experience a civil war is because of Malaysia's unique racial discrimination policy," replied Datuk A.K.M. to this interviewer's question. "By actively discouraging the Chinese from working hard to achieve their goals, and by giving unprecedented advantages to the Malays, we hope to create a equally wealthy society."

"Sure, this might encourage all the Malays to take a laid back attitude to life, have 20 children on a RM500.00 salary from selling hand-made cakes while the Government siphons off money from the hardworking business community to pay for their upbringing and education, but you can bet your gold plated tombstone everyone will have equal share of the wealth."

To inquiries about the similarity between this system and communism, Datuk A.K.M responded: "Oh, didn't you know? We are basing this on the China's communist government, except, we lean towards the Malays of course. We won't stop until the Malays own at least 30% of every Malaysian company, controls at least 30% of the economy, and 30% of anything else the other races create."

Okay, so we are all about equality, let's leave it at that. But what about the education system since independence? Why do our history books contain 7 chapters on Islam, but only 1 chapter on the other religions?

"Well, obviously, it's because you all are living in an Islamic country. You have to study Islam," replied Datuk A.K.M. "While the other religions had played a part in the country's past, Islam is the latest religion approved by the global community, so we should all study it and admit it is the only truth."

"Regarding Yap Ah Loy, yes he did modernize Kuala Lumpur, in effect creating our country's capital city. But he lied, cheated, manipulated, intimidated, bribed, and fought his way to realize that ambition, so he isn't a very good role model for our impressionable youngsters. So we decided to limit his details to a single paragraph in our history textbooks, highlighting his gang dealings."

Very impressive, so the politicians have decided that dirty politics have no place in this country. What an admirable group of people we have leading us!

What then about other historical subjects not mentioned in our history books? While we have 7 chapters on Islam, we have zero on the Holocaust, zero on the Pol-Pot regime, unfinished story on Singapore, and only the briefest description of the 13th of May incident.

"Oh come on!" snapped Datuk A.K.M. "We shouldn't overload our children with information that will have no bearing on their lives. The important thing is they are all learning about the same thing, and that's as equal as the government can get."

On to the issue of the government's recent decision to hunt down Malaysian bloggers who spread "lies and rumours".

The question is, isn't this an action counterproductive to the Multimedia Super Corridor (MSC) project? Isn't freedom of speech the very basis of the Internet, where its first purpose was to share?

"Nooooo... It isn't isn't counterproductive. The MSC projects are still intact. The bloggers don't run the MSC, they don't run anything," proclaims Datuk A.K.M. "They are spreading lies and rumours that will compromise national security, sow disharmony by asking for complete equality, just like watching too many people committing suicides on tv will make you want to terminate yourself too."

But wouldn't it be better to just ignore the blog posts? Aren't Malaysians mature enough to make their own choices?

"Isn't it a fair deal, we arrest the people asking and giving ridiculous questions for your protection. You don't even need to care whether or not you are mature enough to choose," offers Datuk A.K.M.

To international news, America may finally decide to open their Presidential Election to the International community.

"We have realized for years now that America is the de facto ruler of the world," says Edward Gambal, senior correspondent for the Earth-America Party. "Once we receive approval, EVERYBODY will get to vote for America!"

This all makes perfect sense, seeing as no matter what the United Nations (UN), Non-Aligned Movement (NAM), Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC), and the bodies of the world say, America will always do things her way.

"To ensure America, and thus the world is run by proper hands, we fully support this proposal," said Osama bin Laden, wanted terrorist, on his personal video blog. "When this election is put in place, I will finally be able to realize my childhood dreams of being called President Osama."

This move wouldn't be complete without some opposition, and it comes in the form of the American ranchers.

"We ain't be able to talk like roughnecks no more," said Bill Grant. "And I ain't gonna be allowed to kill more Muslims trespassers on my land."

Happy Independence Day.

Dead of the Week: 16
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 480

Bleak in Black

Physiognomy, Deleterious, Lout, Cavort, Prole, Lectern, Stultify, Aphorism, Expiation, Typology, Etiology, Hermeneutics, Exogamy, Exculpate, Hagiography, Cathexis, Expedient, Somatic, Exigency, Telos, Monistic, Paunch, Stratification, Wharf, Fretsaw, Mogrify.

My first Sixth Form exams will take place in less than sixteen hours. My current lifestyle depends entirely upon how well I do in these school examinations; therefore, should posts to A Stray World suddenly come to an abrupt halt, it will be wise to assume something unmentionably bad has befallen your faceless polemist.

Since I wish to enjoy the second season of House on AXN, please excuse the brevity of this entry.

The leatherback turtle is extinct, exiled from existence through the exculpated excusable expediency of ma(laysia)n.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 464