I, Rewarp

Tottered, Rattletrap, Intransigent, Hawkish, Valise, Perineum, Omadhaun, non compos mentis, Schemiel, Dolt, Bungler, Idiomatic, Pecuniary, Tort, Accoutre, Remiss, Diaphanous, Diaphoretic, fait accompli, Calabash, Inure, Eugeroic, Pizzazz.

This week, on a Stray World:

• Voyeurs of Rewarp

For quite some time, I have been reminded by one of my close friends Peter Chong, as well as some anonymous poster that they wish to know more about me and my life.

It's a sad fact of human nature that they tend to skim over unpleasant world events in favour of more saucy insights into the lives of insignificant, unimportant and sometimes unsavoury people.

Instead of the usual parody on major events, I am going to do a satirical retelling of my life... Nah, snippets of my life.

Let's begin.

Hi, my name is Rewarp and I like to piss people off. It doesn't matter who I piss off, as long as I piss them off.

I like to begin every post with a string of hard words not because I wish to keep a record of words I learnt during the week - its because I wish to crush the ego of every visitor to my site - you know, exactly like those raggings going on at every new intake at Malaysian universities so the freshmen will feel grateful and lucky for a chance at higher education.

Don't worry, the ragging is only for locals.

I then go on writing my insipid articles on global warming, sob stories, blah, blah, blah... Before writing a paragraph or so of the most interesting part: my life.

I noticed no matter how long, detailed, or funny my articles on major events are; more often than not, the comments generated usually target my life, such as: "Gross, maggots" or "You need a girlfriend".

I have noticed something else.

Popular blogs from Malaysia, I have been led to understand, contain lots of expletives and pictures of pretty girls with saucy phrases.

The following is unsuitable for the immature mind... Or rather, mature mind:

Merde! Scheiße! A classy lady all wrapped up. Cazzo in the figa, that's what I would like to do.

But the filho da puta, cacho mierda, vaffanculo, pirla police would throw me into the culo cell.

Well, anyway, she is Popuši mi kurac hot man.

Jebi se you coglioni anti-rape law.

Idi u pičku materinu.

(What? You actually expected me to post profanity you can understand immediately without doing research?)
Kurvin sin, man. Kurvin sin.

Well, that should drive up web traffic.

This school holiday, I went about my business. My software company business.

Sold something, did something else, now planning other things, which I can't reveal here because it belongs to the Sautern Enterprise blog.

Kankerlijer school also intruded my gadha life when I had to plan a back-of-dominant-open-handshape-flipped-out-under-chin (profanity-laced phrase using sign language) bug catching field trip where we only manage to capture お前 (omae) small bugs.

The biggest bug in our collection right now is a huge grasshopper not caught during the pinga field trip.

Well, I be usro, I caught it five metres away from the boundaries of my humble jebem ti mater house! I then spent one hour killing, skinning, and winging it.

It was a drawn out process because I like to make living things grovel and suffer through the long, unnecessary pain of hopelessness before snuffing them out.

As I stuck the long hypodermic needle between the anus of the poor impaled creature to inject a fatal, translucent liquid, I hoped to hell the teachers and the education system will never substitute taking digital pictures of the bugs to actually capturing and murdering them.

Besides, I am a sick masochist and a self-diagnosed necrophilic. This is one of those few moments where schoolwork is erogenous.

Why, this evening alone, I enthusiastically disposed the body of one of my pet rabbits which had also attracted the attention of a 1.5-metre long monitor lizard (a scavenger).

I spent one expletive-free hour muscling the creature out of the rabbit enclosure before getting rid of my dead pet.

Of course, I had left the body to set for 24 hours after discovering its dead body because I wanted to reprise the role of those cool CSI guys when they call for the T.O.D. (time of death).

It was all nasty and gross as the body had gone into partial rigor mortis, with various fly species hovering around. Its eyes were still open but only the whites were showing.

C.O.D. (cause of death) is unknown but I suspect it is a result of a broken neck inflicted by another rabbit biting on its neck.

End parody.

I hoped you hated this version of A Stray World.

We return to our irresponsibly-entertaining, profanity and expletive free satirical newscasting next week.

P.S. There are a few truths in this week's edition, just learn to read between the flower-bridge-pronounced-in-Cantonese lines.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 507

Is the Salver Old?

Chicanery, Carp, Tideway, Malapropos, Emend, Pealed, Nippy, Cavil, Obdurate, Randy.

On this weeks edition of A Stray World:

• August 31st: More Pretentious Celebrations in Store;
• Bloggers Beware, the Censor-Man is out to get you;
• Election 2008: All Nations Qualified.

Hello good people.

As all Malaysians are aware, our Independence Day celebrations are just around the corner. In less than a fortnight, we will all be enjoying fireworks and parades bought with public funds.

Independence: Hardly fought for; hardly forgotten; hardly appreciated.

In close to 49 years of independence, Malaysia has progressed from a fractured, poor country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races were divided along racial lines to a fractured, rich country where Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races are given benefits along racial lines.

Of course, as everyone knows, racial discrimination is bad. But a senior politician disagrees, saying it is for the benefit of the country.

"The only reason we have yet to experience a civil war is because of Malaysia's unique racial discrimination policy," replied Datuk A.K.M. to this interviewer's question. "By actively discouraging the Chinese from working hard to achieve their goals, and by giving unprecedented advantages to the Malays, we hope to create a equally wealthy society."

"Sure, this might encourage all the Malays to take a laid back attitude to life, have 20 children on a RM500.00 salary from selling hand-made cakes while the Government siphons off money from the hardworking business community to pay for their upbringing and education, but you can bet your gold plated tombstone everyone will have equal share of the wealth."

To inquiries about the similarity between this system and communism, Datuk A.K.M responded: "Oh, didn't you know? We are basing this on the China's communist government, except, we lean towards the Malays of course. We won't stop until the Malays own at least 30% of every Malaysian company, controls at least 30% of the economy, and 30% of anything else the other races create."

Okay, so we are all about equality, let's leave it at that. But what about the education system since independence? Why do our history books contain 7 chapters on Islam, but only 1 chapter on the other religions?

"Well, obviously, it's because you all are living in an Islamic country. You have to study Islam," replied Datuk A.K.M. "While the other religions had played a part in the country's past, Islam is the latest religion approved by the global community, so we should all study it and admit it is the only truth."

"Regarding Yap Ah Loy, yes he did modernize Kuala Lumpur, in effect creating our country's capital city. But he lied, cheated, manipulated, intimidated, bribed, and fought his way to realize that ambition, so he isn't a very good role model for our impressionable youngsters. So we decided to limit his details to a single paragraph in our history textbooks, highlighting his gang dealings."

Very impressive, so the politicians have decided that dirty politics have no place in this country. What an admirable group of people we have leading us!

What then about other historical subjects not mentioned in our history books? While we have 7 chapters on Islam, we have zero on the Holocaust, zero on the Pol-Pot regime, unfinished story on Singapore, and only the briefest description of the 13th of May incident.

"Oh come on!" snapped Datuk A.K.M. "We shouldn't overload our children with information that will have no bearing on their lives. The important thing is they are all learning about the same thing, and that's as equal as the government can get."

On to the issue of the government's recent decision to hunt down Malaysian bloggers who spread "lies and rumours".

The question is, isn't this an action counterproductive to the Multimedia Super Corridor (MSC) project? Isn't freedom of speech the very basis of the Internet, where its first purpose was to share?

"Nooooo... It isn't isn't counterproductive. The MSC projects are still intact. The bloggers don't run the MSC, they don't run anything," proclaims Datuk A.K.M. "They are spreading lies and rumours that will compromise national security, sow disharmony by asking for complete equality, just like watching too many people committing suicides on tv will make you want to terminate yourself too."

But wouldn't it be better to just ignore the blog posts? Aren't Malaysians mature enough to make their own choices?

"Isn't it a fair deal, we arrest the people asking and giving ridiculous questions for your protection. You don't even need to care whether or not you are mature enough to choose," offers Datuk A.K.M.

To international news, America may finally decide to open their Presidential Election to the International community.

"We have realized for years now that America is the de facto ruler of the world," says Edward Gambal, senior correspondent for the Earth-America Party. "Once we receive approval, EVERYBODY will get to vote for America!"

This all makes perfect sense, seeing as no matter what the United Nations (UN), Non-Aligned Movement (NAM), Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC), and the bodies of the world say, America will always do things her way.

"To ensure America, and thus the world is run by proper hands, we fully support this proposal," said Osama bin Laden, wanted terrorist, on his personal video blog. "When this election is put in place, I will finally be able to realize my childhood dreams of being called President Osama."

This move wouldn't be complete without some opposition, and it comes in the form of the American ranchers.

"We ain't be able to talk like roughnecks no more," said Bill Grant. "And I ain't gonna be allowed to kill more Muslims trespassers on my land."

Happy Independence Day.

Dead of the Week: 16
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 480

Bleak in Black

Physiognomy, Deleterious, Lout, Cavort, Prole, Lectern, Stultify, Aphorism, Expiation, Typology, Etiology, Hermeneutics, Exogamy, Exculpate, Hagiography, Cathexis, Expedient, Somatic, Exigency, Telos, Monistic, Paunch, Stratification, Wharf, Fretsaw, Mogrify.

My first Sixth Form exams will take place in less than sixteen hours. My current lifestyle depends entirely upon how well I do in these school examinations; therefore, should posts to A Stray World suddenly come to an abrupt halt, it will be wise to assume something unmentionably bad has befallen your faceless polemist.

Since I wish to enjoy the second season of House on AXN, please excuse the brevity of this entry.

The leatherback turtle is extinct, exiled from existence through the exculpated excusable expediency of ma(laysia)n.

Dead of the Week: 27
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 464

Peace Processes

Curlews, cul-de-sac, Nihilist, Existentialist, Desultory, Edification, Suet, Palatial, je ne sais quoi, Facetious, Madrigal, Svengali, Straddle, Tallow, Epistemology, Abstruse, Culottes, Moquette, Idiosyncratic, Cravat, Dichotomy, Salient, hoi polloi, Rejoinder, Trin, Pathos, Trenchant, Languorous, Expectorated, Lissome, Ruminating, Soignee, Mien, Abortifacient, Mucilage, Traduce, Repudiate, Peltier, Anhidrosis, Execrate, Pillory, Soiree, Short-shifting, Lugubrious, Bearish, Attenuate, Manque, Immoderate.

On this special edition of A Stray World, we explore the minds of President George W. Bush's top aids to find out their alternative top three ways to bring about peace in any conflict, regardless of the reasons; prepared exclusively for the Malaysian audience.

Method 1: Accelerating Mass of Stones and Pebbles

You know, nothing brings humanity closer together than a good old end-of-the-world story. End of the world affairs such as the memorable Armageddon which introduced Aerosmith to Malaysians have proven that in times of great peril, everyone stops fighting and awaits death.

To execute this plan however, we must first identify a suitable Near-Earth object (NEO) as part of our peace process.

Using the data provided by NASA's NEO Program, we will settle for object 2001 UP, a NEO measuring 20 metres to 44 metres which will approach to within 12.3 LD (1 Lunar Distance = 384000 km) to Earth.

Since we are only trying to create a peaceful region and not a peaceful world, a 20 metre to 44 metre object will b e sufficient.

Let's select a region of incessant conflict like, oh I don't know..The Middle-East? We must then select a high-profile target to destroy that brings the best chance of peace.

Remember, this is only a technological upgrade to the current method of blowing-everyone-into -human-fertilizer peace process.

The only target that comes to mind will of course be the contested city of Jerusalem. A place of worship for three religions also happens to be a place of conflict for three religions. The only solution, naturally, is to destroy this evil instigator of war.

By launching a highly dense object close to 2001 UP, the NEO may be guided into the general vicinity of Jerusalem; where it may or may not hit the jackpot.

Either way, prior to the destruction of the city or the settlements around it, news of the event will cause everyone to drop arms, huddle against one another, and engage in mass orgies unseen in this part of the region since Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain.

Depending on the accuracy of the projectile, after the Holy City, or the holy settlements around the holy region is reduced to holy rubble, the (surviving) inhabitants will hopefully remember how enjoyable sex was when they figured the world was coming to an end and never fire another bullet again.

Method 2: Pseudo Tsunami

Building upon my colleague's previous method for bringing everlasting peace, I wish to draw attention to the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004, where separatist factions and the government of Indonesia and Sri Lanka arranged an immediate no-strings-attached ceasefire upon noticing the huge number of dead bodies and debris surfing the waves.

Let's not forget the unprecedented financial, medical, and military aid provided by the international community to the survivors of the natural disaster.

This is a map of the Middle-East:

As you can see, there is a body of water conveniently placed close to the states currently in conflict.

By detonating a nuclear bomb on the pretext of weapons testing, we should be seeing a huge wall of salt water crashing into the coasts of Lebanon and Israel, with the possibility of giving Cyprus a good old wipe-out; a slight peppering of Syria to the North; and if we are lucky, see an early flooding of the Nile.

Think of it as the C-section to the birth pangs of an emerging new Middle East.

Method 3: The Condi Recital

There is little in life more entertaining than watching aggressive politicians known for their Mona-Lisa-after-vinegar-smile with specious arguments of birth-pangs displaying the results of piano lessons forced upon them by their parents.

It is during these moments that we truly understand why they will suck more than a hospital-grade rental electric breast pump if they should release an album.

By calling upon the Bush Administration to organise a "Calls for Immediate Ceasefire" concert with the United Nation's and ASEAN's ongoing "We Strongly Urge, Condemn, and Understand" bake sale, this author hopes to unite the peoples of the Middle East to enjoy the greatest tomato pelting, ginger-ale quaffing food fight on the planet.

Due to the close proximity of the proposed event to the Dead Sea, various pickled collector items will be found on market shelves worldwide soon after the peaceful event.

All proceeds will of course, be used to rebuild wartorn countries raped by generations of war.

Think of it as the baby shower held after a particularly hard pregnancy where the father was locked up in prison with a glass shrapnel embedded in his right eye.

P.S. My security advisor advised me to lay low for a while last week due to my weakened physical condition as a result of a four-hour 22 kilometre exertion during last Sunday's Penang International Bridge Marathon.

Fortunately, the beer chugging assassin sent to finish me off couldn't find his way to LAX and ended up inebriated and stranded somewhere in Nebraska.

P.P.S. Regarding the recent decision by the Malaysian government to betray its promise not to censor the web; I can only say if I am arrested for this entry, or for any previous entry, it will be wise to conclude that these people lack the ability to distinguish between satire and truth - which are both very different things...

Dead of the Week: 26
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 437

Middle Eastern Nights

Agglomeration, Tinctorial, boudoir, Proscribe, Conflation, Melisma, Serology, Specious, Ostrobogulous, Aprosexia, Paraprosexia, Hyperprosexia, Asseclist, Onolatry, Iotacist, Criticaster, Macilent, Entermete, Oxter, Nithing, Isocracy, Kakistocracy, Sarvodaya, Satisdiction, Logomachy, Esoteric, Eustress.

Hello boys and girls. Today, we enter the magical Middle-Eastern Kingdom, where our valiant prince, who doesn't exist, fights to save his princess, who prefers not to be saved.

Once upon a time, there lived two Israelis.

When they were boys, they decided they wanted to protect their family from 'The Others', who had fought many short and brutal wars with their kings for many, many years.

For many, many years, they saw their king fighting with the most powerful of 'The Others', known as Yasser Arafat. Imbued with the powers of the magical Hatredstone, which is passed on to every Israeli at least once in their lifetime, the two boys joined the army, determined to destroy 'The Others' once and for all.

As they grew up, both men fought in the many sporadic battles, which were used as a rite of passage by Israel. In their culture, a boy would never become a man if he couldn't hate, if he couldn't kill...

In one of the countries in the Ring of Deserts, otherwise known as 'The Others' to the people of Israel, a middle-age man, wise beyond his years, and ruler of his people, sat alone in his palace listening to the screams and explosions beyond the iron grated windows.

There was nothing he could do to silence the screams for help, of pain, and of death. He could only listen, and with the magical device created by a sorcerer from times past known as a tv, watch his people suffer and die.

You see, the ruler was only the ruler of some of his people - for there were others who were only his people by name...

Weeks ago, the two Israeli soldiers, emboldened by the continual support of their allied nation, The Land Beyond the Sea, prepared for an increased assault on 'The Others' with the latest weapons provided by their king.

But as they were preparing for a first salvo into the country of 'The Others', people around them suddenly ducked and pulled out their guns.

The two soldiers did the same, but alas, it was too late. For, a group of heavily armed men had surrounded them, and were pulling them towards the dreaded land beyond.

Their screams for help fell on deaf ears, for the fighting was now a long distant away, beyond the ruined brick walls and sand dunes.

Now, the ruler of Lebanon, the country in which the two soldiers were being held, paced his office. A menagerie of aids followed him, throwing all sorts of suggestions and petitions. Telling of more death and destruction. Asking him for answers.

But he couldn't give any answer which would satisfy them.

For, it wasn't his people who had brought the wrath of the wretched cancer that was Israel. It was Hezbollah's doing, a virus-like network of cults who had kidnapped the two Israeli soldiers.

He tried to explain to the Israelis - but all they could offer was an advance warning to his people to abandon their homes before they struck at suspected Hezbollah hideouts.

But how could a ruler do that? They had chosen him to protect them, yet, now he was being forced to order them to abandon their homes.

The people of Lebanon were mostly poor factory workers, or menial laborers. It took them half their lives before they could own a house of their very own. Half their lives to build a family to fill those homes. Half their lives which meant next to nothing to the bullets and mortar shells that now pierced it.

In a flash, all they had built were now gone.

Their walls were now white pebbles, their roofs now air, their children now earth.

They didn't deserve this. They didn't make this mess, yet, it is they who pay the bloody sacrificial price.

Today, over 1500 have died as a result of this war. And it is simply a war repeated over the ages.

There will be no happy ending in this story.

For anyone.

Dead of the Week: 19
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 411

Group Men

Sylph, Contusion, Concretion, Circumlocution, Sophomore, Gouge, Foment, Gammon, Albedo, Salp, Miscegenation, sine-qua-non, Hackneyed, Tractate, Hubris.

On this week's episode of A Stray World:

• Malaysian High Performance Training Centre's (HPTC) an intelligence installation;
• Israel goes to war with Lebanese civilians, offers a 7-for-17 deal;
• Bush and Putin, an intimate evening.

Welcome to our weekly (slightly fake) pondering of world events. We start of with the much publicized and criticizes HPTC, which is to be based in London.

There has been much public outcry against the half-a-billion project proposed by the National Sports Council to give the best athletes in the country a chance to rub shoulders with the most famous athletes (whether active or not) in the world.

This also fulfils one of the nations goals which is to spend public funds on at least one project that is doomed to fail every year. A prime example of this successful failure is the very unpopular Tak Nak campaign.

The true objective of this grand investment in thin air however, is much, much, more important than any other project ever built in Malaysian history - as our undercover team has discovered.

According to our trusted sources, the NSC's true objective is to build an offshore intelligence agency where our country's best athletes are honed into our country's best liars.

"We know talent when we see one, and it's not good to waste talent," said a man who wanted to be interviewed facing our correspondent's back. "Tell me if you know of any other major group of individuals with more potential to become spies?"

Evidently, our nations athletes have been living a double life as under-achieving sportsmen during the day (or night depending on the event), and as elite government spies in between tournaments.

"Our athletes are our best candidates for infiltrating foreign government institutions; not just because they are the fittest people available for active duty, but also because of their tendency to be overlooked by foreign governments because of their under-achievements."

In fact, that is the exact reason our athletes don't usually excel on the international front. As soon as they are inducted into the national squad, they are compelled to under-achieve to keep a low profile when visiting foreign lands.

The HPTC will allow our athletes-cum-spies to infiltrate the British government anytime they feel like it, not that anyone would notice.

With that, A Stray World's editing team hopes to put to rest the other under-normal circumstances, suspicious course of actions such as approving a project without even disclosing the exact price.

To Lebanon, where Israel has struck a bargain with the Lebanese proletariat.

In a milestone event, Israeli spokesman Sid Humbug has announced a seven-for-seventeen deal, in which for every 7 Israelis killed by Hezbollah, the Israelis will kill another 17 Lebanese civilians.

"This is a great day, where we have proven that negotiations for peace will have a slight chance for peace if they should ever take place," said Humbug.

"The days of an-eye-for-an-eye are over!" proclaimed Mezupman, the Hezbollah spokesperson in a joint statement with Humbug.

"We must all understand that the value of human lives has changed a lot in the 21st century," said Humbug. "There was a time when overvalued and undervalued items were traded in equal quantities. We WILL NOT allow this to happen in this war!"

According to the press release, the 7-17 deal, as it is known, takes into account the fact that Hezbollah fighters consist of fanatical suicide bombers while Israeli soldiers are heavily protected by body armour and rarely get killed by terrorists.

"We hope this deal will bring our countries closer together. But for now, we will each accept the other with open arms."

To reinforce the solidarity of the new pact, Mezupman promptly fired a single bullet right between the eyes with Humbug's gun, thus making the quota of the day.

Finally, our hidden cameras in a men's lavatory on the fifth floor of a renowned Russian hotel caught stunning footages of Bush holding a closed-door meeting with Putin.

Here's the unedited transcript from the meeting:

Bush: You know, if you let me do yours I will let you do mine.
Putin: Comrade, I am sorry, but it won't work. I don't know how to do yours. I don't even think it works right.
Bush: Well, then let me do yours.
Putin: I am sorry, I am afraid you might break it.
Bush: Oh come on, I did Iraq and Afghanistan.
Putin: I know, that's why I won't let you play Russian president for a day.

Dead of the Week: 49
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 392

The Curl Flub

Curlicue, Pernicious, Mores, Snarf, Hinky, Haimish, Scrunchy, Trog, Linguica, Echt, Doula, Onomatopoeia.

On this weeks edition of, A Stray World:

• Thousands of fishes die as North Korea launches Trojan horse missile into the ocean;
• Member of Parliament receives official sponsorship from Mercedes;
• The impotence of the European Union;
• And why forest genocide is good for Malaysia.

We begin with the top news headliner of the 4th of July, where Kim Jong-il, the deity of North Korea, proclaimed that all the fishes in the Sea of Japan were "evil conspirators bent on killing the godly children of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea", and ordered their subsequent execution.

His generals then launched multiple "Made in Heaven's Land" missiles which seemed headed for Washington DC, but instead plunged into the ocean where North Korean soldiers (who were hiding within the missiles) disbursed and started slaughtering fishes with their latest model of Neolithic bone knives.

"Our far-seeing leader was actually out to get the denizens of the deep ocean, who have amassed huge biological weapons scavenged from the corpses of our people who have died from experimental medications," said a spokesman for the DPRK, who wished to be known as Mr So. "Due to the trajectory of the initial launch, we were not at all surprised that our neighbours complained about the loud noise. Rest assured, we are doing all in our power to ensure these systematic launches won't cause too much trouble for the Americans."

As to what evidence North Korea has to show for their claims that a huge invasion is about to take place, Mr So replied they had received their information the way the Americans did, through the CIA.

"The CIA has been very helpful for alerting us to this situation," replied Mr So. "They showed us documents written in what they called Atlantean, and helpfully translated them for us to reveal an elaborate plot to destroy the world."

"To thank them, our greatest missile holding all of our loyal soldiers was named the Taepodong, which is a play of the words "type of bong", which we all know is the number one question on the minds of every American who listens to rap."

Back on the local front.

The woes of Mohd. Said, a member of Parliament who couldn't get approval from Parliament to subsidies his foreign car purchases, will soon become a distant memory as Mercedes has announced an elaborate sponsorship scheme for MPs who use the name of their flagship product in their speeches every time they get the chance to speak in the august body.

"We realized the incredible amount of publicity this issue has generated, especially among the MPs," said a Mercedes spokesperson. "Rather than miss this opportunity, our managers decided to embark on a ruthless sponsorship scheme to promote Mercedes as the foreign car to own."

Replying to questions on whether or not this sort of unscrupulous advertising would tarnish the image of Parliament, Mercedes said: "Oh no. If anything, I am sure it will add to the image of Parliament as the best place in Malaysia to receive free gifts for saying inappropriate things. Very soon, Parliament will make Mercedes the official car of Malaysia for our help in drawing more people to become Parliament members."

Moving along, Pfizer International, the Nobel Award candidate , says it has plans to treat the EU's general "underperformance".

"We have succeeded in replicating the Blue Pill for the EU," came the bold announcement from Dr Ekam Evol. "As you all know, for years the EU has not been giving satisfying performances to his partners from the surrounding region. This can be seen in the recent invasion of Palestine by the Israelis."

"If we trace history, you will notice that every time there has been a war, there will always be a big erection, a great example would be Malaysia's very own Tugu Negara," offered Dr Evol. "Other examples are the Washington Memorial and the Statue of Liberty."

Obviously, this hasn't been the case in the EU, where since the defeat of France in the Battle of Waterloo, there have been no great erections in the region.

The consistent invasion of Palestine by Israel though, offers a unique opportunity in which the EU may experience erections once every two weeks, instead of the current once every two hundred years.

"As the EU has generally remained a neutral party in this conflict, they can theoretically double the number of erections they may have, provided they follow our medical plan," said Dr Evol with a sly wink. "Trust me. Under normal circumstances, every time someone's at war, you can bet your family jewels that someone is having an erection."

True enough. After all, why else would George W. Bush enter a new conflict every six months?

Coming back to our beloved country, we secured A Stray World exclusive letter from a prominent government official regarding forestry policies for the not-too-far future.

Here are the important points, highlighted by our tireless overworked hamster in the freezer:

"For the good of the nation, the rakyat should realise our country must increase the amount of land available for buildings. It doesn't matter that not even ten percent of the new buildings will have tenants, as long as we build, build, build.

This solves a lot of problems, namely, Malaysia's image as a developing nation.

As we all know, the measure of the development of a nation is consistent with the thickness of low-land cloud cover. For example, the New York smog and London's acid-tinged fog.

We mustn't forget that a successful nation usually has its rivers heavily polluted with industrial waste before she spends funds collected through taxes to clean them up. Anyone who has read the history of the Thames would know that.

Most developed countries, as you may have noticed, have little or no sanctuaries or green belts. This is because these lands have been converted into much more productive residential areas when entrepreneurial women sell their bodies and gangsters who rap all day long sell drugs.

Believe me, if we continue to resist the felling of our forests, we will NEVER be able to build entire towns of grey concrete filled with impoverished, obese, people.

Besides, we can also make back 0.001% of the accumulated and long term costs of the said projects if we cut down all the trees to make paper and furniture.

These plans are being quietly implemented by the government nationwide to ensure the developed nations do not find out and interfere in our country's development.

Just imagine, one day, we will no longer have river related accidents or deaths because no one will go swimming ever again and we will never have to organize search parties for foreigners lost in the jungle."

P.S. This entry is dedicated to Helen Pratt, the 300th person who died on television as a result of a blood clot which formed in her heart, shot up her brain, and killed her.

Dead of the Week: 44
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 343

Mean-(M)isters

Erogenous, Gossamer, Hyrule, Antecedent, Pro Forma, Amorphous, Apoplast, Chutney, Oligopoly, Prolix, Nous, adsorption.

This week, on A Stray World:

• 13 dogs shot dead, owner gets clean-up bill;
• Healthy elephant successfully stressed and drugged to death, nobody takes credit;
• Israel launches a rescue mission to save one of their own, unwittingly destroys Palestinian government in the process;
• Bush meets Koizumi, no samurai claims assassination reward.

Welcome to your weekly edition of A Stray World. Today, we feature - heroes.

Last Thursday, the Seremban Municipal Council (SMC) displayed great heroics by successfully shooting dead 13 of 26 dogs belonging to an animal lover.

As we all know, people who display great love and affection for animals, like Mr. Eng Her Sun, make others around them angry as a result of suppressed jealousy due to their inability to feel compassion.

The take-down squad, heavily armed with weapons of every grade, were out to restore peace and harmony to the community - so much so that every dog shot was accompanied with whoops of joy and glee.

With each bullet costing US$0.30, rest assured that the billing of the sting operation to public funds will be limited to RM 5000.00, to prove that the government is serious about wasteful public spending.

"We will ensure the remaining 13 dogs are neutralized. Rest assured, we are doing everything in our power to ensure they are all wiped out," said a SMC spokesman, on condition of anonymity.

"These creatures bring nothing but trouble and suffering, even our holy book discourages handling them. For the dog lovers out there, you should be thankful that we, as responsible citizens of God, have chosen the noble path of ridding them from this earth."

Apparently, the SMC doesn't use metaphores.

"We plan to send the bodies of the dogs to space to ensure their genes no longer contaminate this earth."

Meanwhile, government cost saving methods ensured that as little funds as possible were used for the relocation of Mat Chepor last week, which proved to be a wise choice when the baby elephant died.

"We did all we could to make sure the elephant relocation was done with minimal expenditure, due to escalating oil prices, and the increase of foreign cars bought by government officials," said a senior government minister on assurances of anonymity. "We even managed to delay the arrival of the experts from PERHILITAN by six days by persuading them to walk to the site to conserve fuel. Heck, we even secured the services of a vet only when Mat Chepor showed signs of dying to cut back on medical fees!"

With everyday heroes like them, true heroes who won't even take credit for their deeds; rest assured that Malaysia will be in safe hands.

On the international front, we turn our hero-worthy lenses to the West Bank; where Israel, who have the greatest sense of loyalty and friendship in the world, have launched their full military might to rescue one of their own.

When Palestinian militants abducted Cpl Gilad Shalit last Sunday, Israel was outraged.

In fact, a few air force commanders were given a dishonourable discharge for not launching air strikes immediately.

Repeated attacks have been launched against the northern and southern lands of the Palestinian Authority. Some commandos have successfully penetrated the legions of fanatical suicide defenders (some as young as 10) in their incredibly ingenious fortresses designed to look like run down abodes and apartments and have destroyed these bunkers-of-mass-destruction.

Songs and praise of the Israelis will be written and performed from this day onward; forever reminding us that true friends will do anything for each other.

Meanwhile, A Stray World correspondent, Ahn Ser Mi, has secured an exclusive interview with a Japanese samurai who reportedly turned down an opportunity to slice temporary US President, George W. Bush, in half.

Ahn has the story.

Ahn :Can you give me your name, just for the record?
Samurai: Call me B.B.
Ahn :Okay... B.B. The members of the Pact of Tao have demanded an explanation as to why their hired hitman has not ended the life of "the unworthy swine Bush" as they put it. Why didn't you?
B.B. :Because, Bush has already corrupted the minds of our leaders. If I were to kill him, nothing would change.
Ahn :Is that the truth?
B.B. :No! (Sobs) Bush, he told Koizumi, that he was my father!
Ahn :What!
B.B. :He showed our leader a picture of a baby and said this was his illegitimate daughter in Japan. The baby was wearing a garish mauve kimono.

That's all for this weeks edition of A Stray World.

Next week, we find out whether or not Osama bin Laden sends Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards on a daily basis to Saddam Hussein and why America thinks its troops in Iraq should convert to Buddhism.

Good day, and good luck.

Dead of the Week: 19
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 299

Ken wa Kyouki

Whittle, Turducken, Irate, Hanker, Apoplectic, Brinkmanship, Denouement, Littoral, Notional, Crocheted, Camisole, Cardigan, Broderie Anglaise, Wherewithal, Jaunt, Moot, Auteur, Turpitude, Favela, Souq, Creche, Ingress, Percolate, Dansela, Dilatory, Neoteny, Bohemian, bourgeois, Mawkish, Het, Corpulent.

For quite some time, I have begun each of my entries with a string of words which illicit, as my good friend Peter puts it, "ego bruising" tendencies; often resulting in the usage of precious ATP to grab that otherwise mint condition dictionary.

If you have been doing that since I begun these strings of hardly-used words, congratulations! You have thus improved your vocabulary and with your improved prowess, dazzle the ladies with your vocabulary acrobatics while sharpening your wit and the use of "classy" invective to skewer your rivals silly.

Those strings of words, you see, are new words I have learnt during the week, or words I have previously encountered whose meaning has atrophied due to prolonged disuse.

So if you actually know those words, without having to consult a dictionary; I strongly urge you to either publish your own blog or give me the address of your blog.

Now that I have explained myself, its time to contemplate on current issues.

If you have been a regular reader of my blog, you might have noticed my innate compulsion to pounce on hot issues like Superman on Lois Lane. This however, is not the case with the recently announced move to incorporate firearm training into National Service.

This is because:

• I forgot about the issue every time I log into Blogger;
• Since I had forgotten about it until I logged out, I decided to let the issue play out instead of making immediate updates to my blog.

As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait.

The decision to allow firearm training to (mostly) immature teenagers is a disturbing notion in itself; to actually allow real bullets is a definite invitation to a bloody disaster.

Having gone through the actual training, I can emphatically make myself clear these people aren't prepared for the burden and responsibility of handling an M16.

These people can't even be bothered to form queues without engaging in some sausage-slicing queue cutting; let alone handle a killing machine.

That is the core of the issue: We are teaching our children to kill.

Sure, those who suggested this module have repeatedly tried to convince the public with such cogent anecdotes as "instilling discipline".

Yes, training our children to shoot live bullets using army grade weapons will "instill discipline".

As Hiko Seijuruu said to Himura Kenshin in what I consider the God of all anime, Rurouni Kenshin:
"A sword is a weapon for killing. Kenjutsu is the art of killing. Whatever kinds of pretty words or titles you use, that is the only truth."

I have to admit, given the opportunity, I would learn how to shoot too; just to understand what state sponsored murderers do every day...

The only thing is, I would rather handle an AK-47.

The world is rapidly changing, evolving, or rather, regressing.

According to Discovery News, worldwide immaturity levels are rising!

"People such as academics, teachers, scientists and many other professionals are often strikingly immature outside of their strictly specialist competence in the sense of being unpredictable, unbalanced in priorities, and tending to overreact."

The culprit is said to be, ironically, formal education.

Apparently, the need to increase general, abstract intelligence requires a child-like stance of receptivity to new learning, and cognitive flexibility.

In other words, George W. Bush.

This is a guy about to lead a bunch of selfish, unscrupulous, greedy men into open nuclear war. The clock is ticking, and we are fast approaching the twelfth hour on the clock of doom.

Double standards notwithstanding, I see absolutely no pragmatic reason to forbid Iran access to nuclear technology. Particularly when the United (Terrorists) States of America sees fit to bestow nuclear warheads to Israel, while their apoplectic Arabian neighbours are deprived of the "privilege".

Although wars in the Middle East might seem worlds away, as suggested by chaos theory, everyone will feel its ramifications.

Just take note:
Spoilt brats are running the world today; we all know what they will do if they don't get things their way...

Dead of the Week: 45
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 280

Expected, Yet Unprepared

Esoteric, Iambic Pentameter.

Once again, physical and metaphysical limitations have prevented me from updating this blog on time.

I had a nasty piece of homework from my math teacher; an entire exercise section that took me THREE HOURS to complete. At the same time, my sister has decided to switch her Internet surfing hours to Sunday evening from her usual slot of Saturday night.

Both these factors have resulted in this late entry, and I apologize if anyone died as a result of my tardiness.

The 6 Form institution which I have participated in is living up to its billing as being the most sadistic and torturous tertiary education in Malaysia. Expected, since it is after all rated as the fifth hardest examination (STPM) in the world by Unesco.

It is the fifth hardest for a very simple reason: the streaming system.

According to one of my teachers, streaming the students supossedly enables a teacher to teach all the students in his or her classes easily in one shot. No fuss, no hassles, unless you happen to be the student!

Take me, for example.

I loath Maths, and I am very weak in Chemistry. During my high school years, I have always been consistent in my Additional Maths and Chemistry results.

Consistently bad that is.

It is therefore quite perplexing that our nations education system has once again forced me to study both Math and Chemistry, which at the first opportunity, I would drop like 5-year-old cow dung, if I could without jeopardizing my marks.

Some of my friends have asked me to consider the college option; and frankly speaking, I have had considerable discussions on this option, with myself, and I have come to the conclusion that the university course I wish to pursue is not only easily attainable, it is also at a local university, so college won't be an economical option for me; seeing as I come from a middle-income family and my business endeavour is not profitably stable yet.

Besides, commuting to college will be hell; as I live in an area particularly distant from any affordable college institution.

As a wrap up, I expect to fail every single time in my school's internal examinations this year for the stated subjects. I have little choice but to tough it out until I get my chance to study Forestry at UPM.

My first week back has proven to be quite eventful.

Tun Dr. Mahathir and his successor Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, in their "altercations", may change the face of Malaysian free speech as we know it.

Let's look beyond the issues raised and see the ripples and reactions it has explosively resulted in.

First, were the calls from various parties and individuals for Mahathir to shut up. Then there were calls from others to allow the former Prime Minister of Malaysia to speak his mind. After that, there were the almost comical pledges by various ministers to stick by Badawi no matter what "others" may say.

Matthias Chong however, takes the cake by swearing on ALL the known holy books about his integrity and honesty and all the other political mileage stuff in front of the foreign press and national Chinese papers.

Let's not forget the highly unnecessary incident where the National Fatwa Council asked the government to re-examine the open-house practice; something uniquely Malaysian and only found in Malaysia.

Apparently, the activity of getting to know your neighbours and friends of different religious backgrounds and skin tones will shake your belief in Islam.

So let me get this straight: Terrorists killing thousands in the name of Islam unites all Muslims; eating a multi-cultural meal with friends with different beliefs weaken's Muslims?

Being an atheist, I am probably the most qualified person to give opinion on the matter. Frankly, these stupid, parochial, invidious, individuals seem to act and create unnecessary issues which are, at the same time, unwisely encouraged by the people and the media.

To put it in perspective, these people would rather discuss how much skin you are allowed to show and the "immorality" of couples in love holding hands than whether or not Malaysia's human capital, particularly the Malays, are marketable in this global era.

There is a silver lining though.

As cynical as this may sound, these frank and open discussions, no matter how ridiculous, will serve as a stepping stone to more open discussions regarding wider, more sensitive issues.

It's like the Salem witch hunts - kill a certain number of people and eventually you will question the wisdom of your actions, and the wisdom of your peers.

Today, that would mean going to war for a shady, uncertain reason.

For the readers out there who have been watching the 2000hrs news on TV3, the Reopen 9/11 documentaries are sure to have caught your eye.

At first glance, the claims these people made, e.g., the World Trade Center was demolished by bombs, not brought down by planes, seem crazy and illogical; until you view the video evidence...

As incredible as it may sound, evidence hints that explosive-demolition bombs were used to bring down the WTC; the plane that alledgedly crashed into the Pentagon never existed, and many more.

The ramifications will be felt worldwide if these allegations are proven to be true. So much so that I believe those happy-go-lucky teenagers who live on a staple diet of The Simple Life and Akademi Fantasia will actually start watching the news.

The ultimate conspiracy designed to give America a huge reserve of oil, or mentally stressed lunatics who should be sent to Arkham Asylum immediately?

You decide.

Reopen 9/11

Dead of the Week: 17
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 235

From Hell to Earth's Hell

I am finally back! It was a blast I tell you, going through National Service.

Seriously, I enjoyed myself.

That however, doesn't mean I hold no criticisms regarding my stint. In fact, in a way, I was proven beyond any reasonable doubt that National Service has failed in its overall objective to instill discipline, integration, and unity between the 300 or so odd trainees in camp.

Of course, that is from my perspective. Anyhow, you can read about my experience yourself when I finish digitizing my offline blog, which I had written during the 84 days in exile.

NOTE: The phrase "offline blog" does not exist. I simply find it a convenient way of describing my diary to people who ask. Whenever someone approaches me in camp asking what I am writing, I answer it is my offline blog, my diary, only it is a diary meant for public viewing.

It has been a frenetic 2 days since my return.

First, I had to complete my revisions.

I immediately started with Numb3rs on AXN which was immediately followed by Being Chen Kaige on Discovery Channel.

What, you didn't actually expect me to read up on Form 6 did you? TV is my life, it powers my intellect. I can feel a significant drop in my ability to conduct or write with my usual wit and vigour as a result of my gamma-ray withdrawal treatment.

Here's a general rundown of what I did after my return:

1. Reintroduced myself to my dog. The son of a bitch (not profanity, but fact) had forgotten me and wanted to take a chunk off my hand;
2. Watched TV;
3. Tended to my bonzais, all of whom had changed and grown significantly;
4. Messaged most of my ex-National Service friends;
5. Walked my dog;
6. The World Cup (England vs Paraguay)
7. Completed my offline blog;
8. The World Cup (Sweden vs Trinidad & Tobago).

The World Cup. The magic begins.

While I mostly read the paper during the England-Paraguay match, my full attention was given to the unlikely combination of Sweden - Trinidad & Tobago.

Magic, I tell you.

Trinidad & Tobago were reduced to 10 men in the second half, which effectively meant they had to last more then 45 minutes worth of attack.

With Henrik Larsson and Zlatan Ibrahimovic in Sweden's attacking lineup, this could easily have been a 4-0 drubbing right then and there.

What followed next was nothing short of a superhuman display by the Trinidad & Tobago goalkeeper, Shaka Hislop, who single handedly stopped shots that would have cratered the doors of a Proton.

His fellow countrymen, also manifested incredible obstinance in their defense, led by none other that Dwight Yorke - who commanded and inspired his teammates in conducting the most incredible defense I have ever seen based solely on the will to never quit.

I didn't need any coffee, although I had only had two-and-a-half-hours sleep in 48 hours. So you could forgive me for giving a small cheer at 0230 on the 11th of June when the final whistle blew.

Back to business as usual then. My TV revision continued with the latest season of all three CSIs, Discovery Channels I Shouldn't be Alive a revisit of Spongebob Squarepants.

In the course of writing this, I realised (imagined me speaking with an Irish lilt) me olde wit is back laddie.

Wow, in two days, I have racked up 21 TV deaths thanks, no doubt, to CSI Supreme Sunday. That's a water tank-load of blood if we could ever squeeze them out of the bodies.

While our highly respected and loved ministers and representatives wish to control the displays of affection in public, they have wisely allowed us all to continue our pursuit for more violence and gore.

Yes, down with love, bring on the blood.

Hey, I have a suggestion for the MPs, why don't you shoot couples holding hands or kissing in the Botanical Gardens on the spot!

You could send a message to all those who would show their love to the world while providing extra entertainment to the public in a local fashion; because we must all support our local film industry no matter how vacuous and frivolous most of them are, right?

Seriously, I think there is something very wrong with our leaders. Especially with the looming threat of hydraulic despotism. We should be focusing on the management of our natural resources and energy needs rather than stunting love.

I leave you with a quote from lesson 1 of the Hacker High School programme:

"Research a topic. Any topic. A current event, perhaps. Use the first source you find as the standard. Find 5 other sources. How do the other sources differ from that standard? What reasons would there be for the difference? Political reasons? Has content been changed to suit a specific audience? Has content been omitted to make an issue or a fact more palatable or marketable? Do subtle wording differences change the interpretation of your standard? When you encounter this question for the first time, you'll find that some of your own bias may influence your answers. As you learn more (not only with computers and security, but in all subjects), come back to this question when researching a topic. You'll find that your broader perspective gives you new insights in to some, if not all, of the answers."

Dead of the Week: 21
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 218

Reason of Existence

Turkey, Romania, Australia, Portugal, The Netherlands, Sweden, Canada, Finland, Bulgaria, South Africa, Germany, Belgium, The United Kingdom, Mexico, Columbia, Hong Kong, France, Italy, Switzerland, Singapore, India, Macao, Norway, Martinique are all of the nations which have signed up for the

Stop Dogs From Being Separated From Their Owners Petition!

along with a HUGE number of Americans and ragtag Malaysians who are still human.

What is your raison d'etre?

Hope more of you readers are human by the time I revisit this page in three months time.

Dead of the Week: 9
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 197

Sojourns and Passages

Perfunctory, Quaff, Detumescence, Tautology, Factotum, Inimical.

A lot to blog about today, I don't think I need to explain why because I will be detailing them anyway.

The week started with my most highly anticipated Oscars ever. I believe the name Jon Stewart rings a bell, after all, I have been dropping his name at every opportunity I get.

I believe the criticism regarding his presentation of the Oscars is very biased - so biased, that I could feel it as soon as I watched Jon Stewart do his opening monologue.

It was a no win situation.

Put a guy known for puncturing public figures (and doing it in an extremely entertaining way) in front of the most public of public figures, it was a surprise anyone (probably the non-Americans) laughed at all during his sketches.

Seriously, I found them very funny. Others might not think so because of the apparent lack of the laugh track as a result of big egos not being pandered to during the Oscars.

The only time I didn't laughed during the Oscars was when Jon Stewart was not on the stage.

Come on, don't tell me you didn't enjoy that "gay cowboy" montage Jon's team made, ala Daily Show!

There were also those funny supporter videos for the various Oscar nominees ala Presidential Election. I found the Reese Witherspoon one a work of genius.

I concede though, he wasn't as funny as he is in The Daily Show. But that's due to the fact he is live worldwide. You can't exactly diss the Chinese Premier or Bush during the Oscars. If he could, I think we would have more Dick and Bush's Adventures in Crazy Land.

And yes, it's because the laugh track wasn't being pandered to.

Secondly, my appeal for my friends to help sign the Stop Dogs From Being Separated From Their Owners Petition! has only been answered by Kenneth.

Unacceptable, considering I am using dial-up and you are probably not.

The number 76 is of significance today, because that's the number of dead bodies I saw on television this week.

That's an average of eleven per day!

The honour is shared by:

• The 4400 where a plague producing emotionally unstable woman wipes out more than 200 inhabitants of a town, where only 30 or so bodies were displayed;
• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation where a cult following killed themselves to live with aliens;
• And Michael Moore's brilliant Bowling for Columbine where dead people from various points in history were shown. A must watch - it will make any American wish he lived in Canada.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to reveal that my actual target of dead people seen on TV is actually 300. But if things stay the way they are right now, it might breach the 1000 threshold - despite my enforced 3-month ban from television.

Ironically, while watching an episode of the hilarious British humored Doc Martin, the simple and ordinary act of inserting a needle into the wrist of a patient to draw blood (which happened to me, by the way, the day after the Oscars) was censored using the trendy method of slowing down the video feed and looping it until the "violent event" finished its obligatory role as an indicator that this is a medical drama (okay, maybe half medical drama).

So I am allowed to watch someone knock skull fragments into the brain with a hammer, see Gil Grissom handled a human brain, but not allowed to watch a doctor draw blood and administer medicine with a big, humungous needle.

Hmm... Makes you wonder what sort of torture, ahem, medical tests those censors had to endure before they were set free among the video reels.

Speaking of deaths, I wish to draw attention to the fact that up till this moment in time:-

• A minimum of 33489 Iraqi civilians have died since the US led invasion

Does that number mean anything to you?

I believe it won't, at least to the majority. Admit it, you care more about your SPM results and how much money you will earn in a lifetime than the fact that the world's most technologically advanced superpower has bombed and destroy another country most of its people don't even know how to pronounce.

I admire people like you. The way you can go about your lives carefree and uncaring. Where the next location to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster occupies more hard drive space than the atrocities being committed worldwide, and here.

Believe it or not, Muslim women in this country need our help, a fact I have highlighted a few months ago (albeit in a non-professional way, whatever that means now) has been properly elucidated by the very respectable Marina Mahathir.

Instead of cashing in on her father's former reign as a leader of a country and entering politics (unlike a well known example), she has chosen to stand her ground against problematic issues on her own two feet.

Well done Marina Mahathir! Speaking as a human, I am very touched by your continued fight against injustice.

A long time ago, I watched the (Marvel Comics character) Iron Man animated series, where Tony Stark explained the concept of irony to an artificial intelligence program.

Over the next half-hour, I learnt that irony is mostly funny, unless it isn't.

My maternal grandmother is now six feet under, and I am not sad about it - I am actually quite relieved.

Now, before you call me an insensitive dirtbag who deserves to rot in hell, I wish to tell a story.

Once upon a time, there lived an old woman on the third floor of an apartment building. One day, she fell ill, and her children who lived with her were ill of her.

The children made excuses and left her to starve at home for six days before the old woman's grandchild who didn't live with her took her to the hospital to treat her pains.

In the hospital, most of her children kept vigil over her unwillingly. Some didn't even bother because they had "businesses" to run.

This continued until her death as a result of pulmonary embolism in hospital.

Ironically, her children started crying and finally organized a three day funeral ceremony where they did all sorts of chanting with priests and musicians.

Crying. Spending money. Asking for success and protection. After she died.

I hope this explains my disdain of religion and the obscene ceremonies it has generated.

When I die, I hope some of my organs will be reused and the rest made into fertilizer - not planted into sterile earth and being asked to protect relatives I barely know...

Dead of the Week: 76
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 188

Ectoplasmic Exercises

Poppycock, sufferance, Mimesis, Portent, Impertinent, Corollary, Juxtapose.

Let's be spontaneous, shall we?

The WWF is holding a so called "Your Favorite Animal Tournament".

Here, every day throughout March, two opposing animals will attempt to out-vote its opponent to become the WWF's most popular animal.

Yes, I know, it doesn't sound as hip and happening as spending 50 cents per SMS to vote for your favourite glass-breaking migraine-giving singing idols... But at least it will show that on some minute level, you at least know there is such a thing called the environment.

The post Olympic week has been disappointing, to say the least.

First of all is the way dog owners are being treated in this country.

For a long time now, we have heard about the infamous Shah Alam Municipal Council - a government entity which recently chose to ban (according to this blog) the Rottweiler, Japanese Tosa, Akita and American Bulldog.

Of course, we of the sound mind shouldn't let this issue pass us by like flowing gunk in mismanaged drains. Please, before it's too late, sign up for the Stop Dogs From Being Separated From Their Owners Petition!

Every signature counts.

The Star also reported the - rather disturbing - news article about a guy's dog that was shot dead and tossed into a truck despite the collar around its neck.

To be blunt (which I enjoy, but will potentially be the cause of my downfall), this has everything to do with the Islamic government of Malaysia.

For those not in the know, Muslims can't place themselves anywhere near dogs. They can't see them, they can't smell them, they can't touch them, and they definitely can't be friends with them.

For some stupid illogical reason - dogs as a species ceased to exist in their universal plane as soon as the Quran was published.

COME ON! I once asked my Malay neighbor why he was afraid of dogs (this was when I was still in Primary School, by the way) and his answer raised more questions.

"I don't know, because they are dirty?"

Yes. That is the ultimate answer - because they are dirty.

So let's play a little (potentially disastrous) game: Name the animal most likely to replace the dog if the Muslim world had never laid eyes on them.

I have a few suggestions: Mudskippers, earthworms, maggots, cows, oxes...

But I don't digress. Knowing full well I am only days away before turning 18 - thereby the right to be tried as an adult in court - I will increase my attack on stuff I realize will get me into serious trouble if I were an adult.

Because frankly, these are things we need to discuss.

Speaking of discussions, I happened to chance upon my third Doha Debate yesterday at 2010 hours on BBC World.

The topic of the night's debate centred on the need to recognize Hamas as genuine leaders of the Palestinian people.

These debates are surprisingly enough, held in a Islamic country and not a Western one. What's more, university students and common people are allowed to participate in the debates, which are aired worldwide by the BBC.

Apparently, Americans are still too hooked on American Idol 798 to notice anything else around them.

Seriously, if I were given an opportunity to broaden my education anywhere I like, I would choose Qatar for the simple reason that the public there genuinely gives a damn about world issues.

And for the record:
"This House believes that the international community must accept Hamas as a political partner."

How ironic, the one country actually exercising its right to free speech in the right way is NOT America - and its Islamic to boot.

Makes you wonder doesn't it, why our country can't do the same thing?

Of course, the above question wouldn't be complete without my answer: Because a few influential people will cite "tolerance" and "religion" as a "logical and impregnable defense" for organizing debates in such nature.

To the few people still reading this blog entry, I will now reveal the "technical problems" I have suffered that has consistently delayed my various web activities.

As I have so vividly described a fortnight ago (botched Botox surgery), my computer has a tendency to hang and start in safe mode after a while.

I have identified the problem as an overheating graphic card. In fact, and my left index finger can attest to this, the heat sink on my graphic card at its peak value in terms of heat is hot enough to fry an egg!

My temporary solution for now is to leave the case open until I have done three things:

1. Get a vacuum cleaner to suck up half a decade of accumulated dust, which I presume to be the root of the problem;
2. Buy a internal fan for the graphic card;
3. Cut a BIG hole in my computer case.

And finally, plants currently being grown in my maggot powered compost bin produced soil are not showing any ill effects, yet.

Till then, watch Jon Stewart.

Dead of the Week: 8
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 112

Winter Wonders

Chiffon, Organza, Basque, Vellum, Avant-garde, Ombudsman, Aberrant.

The Torino Winter Games have been nothing short of spectacular to this Winter Olympics newbie.

Sure, I do find speed skating as boring as any of the summer games’ track and field events and I fell asleep halfway into the luge programme.

This week’s blog will almost entirely be devoted to the winter games and how I find myself the only guy among my family and friends following the games’ progress.

Let’s start with my co-favourite sport in the winter games – curling.

To Peter out there who is now presumably smirking (or exclaiming) at the previous sentence, I have a phrase for you – no coffee.

The women’s curling final featured two teams, the classic underdog Switzerland led by the cool and calm Mirjam Ott; and the World Champions, European Champions and now Olympic Champions – Sweden.

The game started at 0030 hours and ended at 0400 hours.

Normally, for a game that long (listened to using headphones so as not to bother the family), I would be brewing some extra thick mocha-coffee to keep me awake throughout the night but would you believe it – I didn’t (and this from a guy who can get a good night’s sleep despite the espresso).

Not even a yawn.

A game of curling has 10 ends followed by additional ends if the game is tied. This game went down to the wire – the final stone of the 11^th end by the Swedish skipper.

The game started of with both teams evenly matched and ended at halftime with an interesting score of 3-2 with Sweden holding the slight advantage.

The second half of the game was nothing short of dramatic.

During Switzerland’s last stone of one of the ends played by Mirjam Ott, the stone experienced a pickup as the match commentators called it. The stone, which was sliding towards the intended target, suddenly curled prematurely and Ott’s stone collided with a Swedish guardstone, thereby surrendering a point to the Swedes.

According to the match commentators, a pickup occurs because of imperfections in the ice, which may be caused by - get this - hair, fluff, sand or any other imperfections in the ice!

If my memory serves me correct, the score became 6-2 (or was it 5-2?) at the 7^th end.

Either way, it was a great mountain to climb for the Swiss (like being 3 goals down at the 80^th minute in a football match) and their response was nothing short of miraculous.

Faced with a seemingly insurmountable barrier, the Swiss looked to their leader, skipper Mirjam Ott.

What happened next cannot be adequately described in words.

Ott didn’t seem any different from the outset, but there was an aura of invincibility about her after the unfortunate pickup. Her teammates, catching the invincibility virus, started drawing incredibly accurate and unbelievable shots. Even the crowd, which had been rather subdued, started screaming, shouting and screaming: “Ott’s Team! Ott’s Team!”

The Swiss managed to narrow the gap to 6-4.

Despite the Swede’s best efforts to hold them of, Ott’s incredibly sublime final stone at the 10^th end drew the match!

11^th end.

Ott managed to place two stone in the home with no other rival stones anywhere in it. It was up to the Swedes to either win the game or lose it.

The crowd, which comprised three factions: the Swiss, the Swedes, and the neutrals; were screaming their heads off.

Loud chants of “Ott’s Team!” were answered by screaming Swedes, which in turn drove the neutrals into choosing a side.

You could hear a pin drop when the Swedish skipper took her place.

The ice queen delivered – and made a double takeout (not the kind at McDonalds), removing both Swiss stones with her stone the remaining tenant.

Yup, there you have it. A heart-pounding match which, interestingly, didn’t bring tears to my eyes as they would if my truly favourite team losses.

The simple and only answer is because the Swiss played like champions, and their skipper Mirjam Ott earning a place of worship that I have up to now, only allocated to Himura Kenshin and Jon Stewart, for never wavering or surrendering under great odds.

My other co-favourite sport during the Winter Games can only be ice-skating.

As the saying goes: “It’s a one of a kind.”

Ice-skating is a combination of beauty, grace, artistry, individuality, skill, stamina, and rhythm. I can assure you, gymnastic, the summer equivalent of ice-skating, doesn’t even come close to this unique discipline.

Watching the gala performance repeat on Sunday evening was the best way to see what ice-skating had to offer. Unlike real competition, the gala is performed more to entertain the audience than to get one up over your opponent – in other words, the skaters get a free reign on how and what they wish to perform.

Some notable performances include the emotional display by Johnny Weir to Sinatra’s (is there any other?) My Way, the feminine grace of Irina Slutskaya, the cool elegance and beauty of Olympic Gold Medallist Shizuka Arakawa to the music You Raise Me Up, and last but never least, a glorious performance by Olympic Gold Medallist, the legendary Evgeni Plushenko to the Stradivarius of Edvin Martin.

Speaking of which, I will now officially issue a challenge to all the rappers of the world. Not even one of these “musicians” had their “tunes” featured in the event – although any music genre is allowed.

Until an ice-skater wins an Olympic medal accompanied by rap, I’ll never consider it music worth listening to.

As someone on the Internet once posted: “Rap is an interesting word; add C and you get what it is; add E and you get what it does to your brain.”

Other events there drew my interests were the snowboarding events (which were more like the Winter X Games), short track skating, aerials, moguls, and any other event I happened to tune in to.

The closing ceremony however, was less than pleasing – at least for me – as its main theme was the carnival.

Luckily, there were more things than dancing clowns to look at; e.g., Avril Lavigne.

And on that bombshell, I end my take on the Torino 2006 Winter Olympics.

I said I would devote almost all of today’s blog to the Winter Games. My second phrase today is magic maggots.

Remember my compost bin? I stand corrected, there are maggots feeding on vegetable matter. Big juicy ones not unlike the kind you see on Fear Factor.

I am not really sure how they got there; maybe it happened when I took out the inner bin to aerate its contents. The point is: underneath the initial layer of organic waste, there now lies a thick layer of black organic slush (for lack of a better word) crawling with maggots. Yesterday, I removed some of the matter for plant growing purposes. I will publish the results next week.

Also, the Sautern Enterprise blog has also been updated so check it out if you have the time.

Till then, see you in Vancouver!

Dead of the Week: 29
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 104

Spiritual White

Dichotomy, Raconteur, Sobriquet, Polemic, Wherewithal, Deportment, Elocution.

Wonderful, marvelous, incredible and surprising. I suppose those are apt words to describe my week.

Firstly, I finally got my P license for both car and chopper. There was nothing fishy during the examination - I made a few mistakes, and nobody asked for bribes. In fact, it was just a mere coincidence that I made the same exact mistakes and scored the same as the guy after me.

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

Come on, it doesn't make any bloody difference that I crossed the raised pavement test in exactly 7.8 seconds, same as the guy before me - as long as I got my Professional driving license.

This gets me thinking however: if I am a professional driver now, why will I be demoted into a mere "Competent" driver in two years time (it's a Malaysian thing).


I have an announcement - the startup company I am involve in is approaching its internal launching date, which is the 25th of this month. Therefore, for marke... I mean introduction purposes, we are also launching our company's official blog, which for now, will be on Blogger.

I struck upon this idea while taking a trip with our CEO, Tommy Ooi, to the Registrar of Businesses (a.k.a. R.O.B.) to well, register our business. Full details will be posted on our company blog, here.

Yesterday, will remain as one of the most shocking days of my life - my computer died.

Technically speaking, it didn't die; but almost always loaded in Safe Mode, which is as close to geek death as possible.

Drawing an analogy with the non-geek world would involve describing a scene where a patient is placed into a comatose state so that the trainee doctor may be allowed to rewire some important arteries, veins, and carry out organ transplants without the displeasure of a complaining patient who got into the mess in the first place by hiring an untrained plastic surgeon to inject nerve gas into the forehead to remove wrinkles and prevent facial expression.

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

The main thing is, PC is still usable, for now; after the trainee doctor attempted to replace her brain but was stopped by an unknown presence.

And yes, I phrased that sentence correctly. I named my computer PC and assigned it a female gender - so sue me, I don't have a girlfriend.

Before I move on to other items, I wish to share a touching moment I saw on Saturday which re-ignited my belief in the human race.

While traveling to visit my grandma who is now lying in hospital due to heart problems (aided no doubt by her children who STARVED HER FOR SIX DAYS!), I observed a blind man crossing the road.

He lifted his cane high into the air with his umbrella pointing downwards; clearly signaling his intent to cross.

The first kindness: An oncoming car slowed down more than 30 metres away.

The second kindness: After crossing the road, I saw two young ladies offering to guide him in his travels.

The third kindness: As my father pulled away, slowing down before a traffic light, I saw a motorcyclist guiding another blind man across the road. This would be unremarkable except for the fact that I could see an ownerless motorcycle with its lights still on parked beside the road.

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

I can only speculate that the motorcyclist, in his zeal to help the blind man, forgot to remove the keys from his bike.

Now, why can't more people act this way.

To another news item:
The Nintendo DS Lite will apparently support web browsing, among other interesting features. PSP nutcases, feeling stupid?

But the real story of the week belongs to MySpace.

Besides kicking Friendsters butt all the way to the nearest blackhole, MySpace has apparently TWO-AND-A-HALF times the traffic of Google.

What I have to say is of course:
What the hell are you fuddle duddle idiots still doing on that bloody slower than flowing sewage water Friendster?!?

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

Remember the "Peace" message I left behind last week? It had to do with the Olympics.

I always had a soft spot for it, so that is why I couldn't write anything remotely vitriolic last week because the Olympic spirit sort of seeps into your soul, at least, that's how it works for me.

In fact, it's better than religion or any other ideological beliefs in promoting peace.

Take this for example:
Pope visits mosque - nothing happens.

Atheist handing out flyers in Salem - burnt at the stake.

North Korea and South Korea marching out under a single flag accompanied by 80's American rock music - millions cheer!

I have also fallen in love with another sport - curling.

There is nothing else like it in the summer games (okay, maybe it shares some similarities with lawnbowl). Curling is a combination of strategy and precision, where players with the biggest biceps don't win, but the geeky team does most of the time.

The aim of the game is to place your stone as close as possible to the "button" inside the "home". One point is awarded for every stone that comes nearer to the button than does any rival stone.

If you still can't get the gist of the game, go here.

Knowing me, you may realise that I am currently planning to send a Malaysian curling team to the Olympics as soon as possible. But first, I need to amass great wealth and prestige (for further reference, check out Sautern Enterprise).

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

P.S. Due to PC's slightly deranged state, this blog is being published one day later than usual. Hey! You try working on a computer that hangs 10 seconds after Windows boots up!

Dead of the Week: 22
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 75

Green Rockheads

Overwrought, Wordsmith, Gnarly, Shoehorn, Assiduous, De rigueur.

The Malaysian week started with a few bangs and ended with hundreds of people stabbing and pinning sharp objects through one another.

Don't be surprised (to non-Malaysians), it's a yearly event religiously observed... Because it's a religious thing.

Anyway, there are greater things to attend to; namely, the Prophet Muhammad caricatures issue.

It seems the Danish government has officially requested help from Malaysia to help ameliorate the situation because, simply put, it is the only Islamic country that respects the freedom of its citizens and failed to alienate religious zealots and extremists.

And on that happy note I end this weeks article because I wish to enjoy a little

Peace.



Dead of the Week: 20
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 53

Booking Stench

Paroxysm, Ambuscade, Absinthe, Kleptomania, Bunk, Concupiscence, Panoply.

Once again, I find myself blogging from somewhere outside the simplistic, sweet design of Blogger. This time, it'’s because I conducted my weekly Internet routine of checking my e-mail at dusk instead of sometime in the evening yesterday. Therefore, I wish to apologise for the belatedness of this issue (if anyone actually cares, that is).

Lets proceed to some appetizers then.

First serving of the week comes from me.

After long delay, I could no longer put it off. I had to salve my conscience. I must own my own compost bin.

So, early one morning last week, I burnt some holes into an unused dustbin (after searching for a compost bin'’s blueprints earlier that morning), and popped it back into its mother ship (it'’s one of those bin-within-a-bin design). During the course of the week, I initiated my plan to gather as much organic waste as possible to kick-start my junk collection, so to speak.

And as they say, just add water.

The result: An extremely pungent foul and aromatic miasma of decaying organic matter. The bacteria within are also doing something else the Internet plans said would happen -– producing heat.

I have a faint suspicion that they are producing methane -– but my sister won'’t allow me to test it (add fire), so I will just have to be content with an emergency radiator in case winter arrives early in Malaysia.

Everyone should make one for their household, even if it'’s just to see how much waste material one cycles through every day.

Waiter, you may serve the main dish.

There has been much uproar over the treatment of twelve senior citizens by the Malaysian police.

For those not in the know, while everyone else was celebrating Chinese New Year, the Malaysian police saw fit to raid a coffeeshop and arrested 11 senior citizens (which also included a handful of middle-aged men) for alleged gambling while playing mahjong.

In Malaysia, it'’s illegal for senior Chinese citizens to exercise their right to spend their life savings after years of toiling and struggling for some mahjong fun.

If you thought that was unfair, Malaysian police have brought it to the next level.

Those same senior citizens were forced to spend a night in jail for alleged gambling.

Ridiculous, right?

Hold that train of thought, because there'’s more!

Sometime during their prison stint, the police saw fit to shave them bald and stripping them down to their underwear!

So much for the respect of elders.

In their own defence, a police spokesperson claimed it was in the provisions of the law that they shaved all detainees bald. Unfortunately for the dimwit, someone pointed out that it was convicted prisoners the law was referring to.

Naturally, mobs of angry villages have begun sharpening their knives to begin an extremely bloody insurrection against the police… Nah, just kidding, the angry mob is in the process of turning into a bloody mob if the police don'’t come clean immediately.

Quick recap: a few months ago, Malaysian police were embroiled in an embarrassing scandal infamously know as the nude-squat incident.

There'’s only so much cow dung the public can take before a national crisis materialises.

For dessert, I wish to share a wonderful discovery. For people who hold the books are crap mentality, I am about to change your mind.

It is red book aptly titled: Big book of Insults.

Right on the title cover, this little gem is on display for all to see:

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.

-Groucho Marx

Compiled by Nancy Mcphee, it features alternatives to profanity-happy-uncouth-knavish language so widely used today by introducing the invectives of days gone by.

From the poet Shakespeare to Mark Twain, politicians to editors, we are given a reader'’s guide to conducting conversations with Gregory House and (my favourite part), insulting opponents with class.

All for the price of £6.99 as printed on the cover. Luckily for me, I got it for just under RM15.00. That'’s a cool one-third of the original price!

I leave you with one of the many quotes from the book:

I could do without your face, Chloe, and without your neck, and your hands, and your limbs, and, to save myself the trouble of mentioning the points in detail, I could do without you altogether.

-Marcus Valerius Martial (c.40-104 AD)

Dead of the Week: 14
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 33