Winter Wonders

Chiffon, Organza, Basque, Vellum, Avant-garde, Ombudsman, Aberrant.

The Torino Winter Games have been nothing short of spectacular to this Winter Olympics newbie.

Sure, I do find speed skating as boring as any of the summer games’ track and field events and I fell asleep halfway into the luge programme.

This week’s blog will almost entirely be devoted to the winter games and how I find myself the only guy among my family and friends following the games’ progress.

Let’s start with my co-favourite sport in the winter games – curling.

To Peter out there who is now presumably smirking (or exclaiming) at the previous sentence, I have a phrase for you – no coffee.

The women’s curling final featured two teams, the classic underdog Switzerland led by the cool and calm Mirjam Ott; and the World Champions, European Champions and now Olympic Champions – Sweden.

The game started at 0030 hours and ended at 0400 hours.

Normally, for a game that long (listened to using headphones so as not to bother the family), I would be brewing some extra thick mocha-coffee to keep me awake throughout the night but would you believe it – I didn’t (and this from a guy who can get a good night’s sleep despite the espresso).

Not even a yawn.

A game of curling has 10 ends followed by additional ends if the game is tied. This game went down to the wire – the final stone of the 11^th end by the Swedish skipper.

The game started of with both teams evenly matched and ended at halftime with an interesting score of 3-2 with Sweden holding the slight advantage.

The second half of the game was nothing short of dramatic.

During Switzerland’s last stone of one of the ends played by Mirjam Ott, the stone experienced a pickup as the match commentators called it. The stone, which was sliding towards the intended target, suddenly curled prematurely and Ott’s stone collided with a Swedish guardstone, thereby surrendering a point to the Swedes.

According to the match commentators, a pickup occurs because of imperfections in the ice, which may be caused by - get this - hair, fluff, sand or any other imperfections in the ice!

If my memory serves me correct, the score became 6-2 (or was it 5-2?) at the 7^th end.

Either way, it was a great mountain to climb for the Swiss (like being 3 goals down at the 80^th minute in a football match) and their response was nothing short of miraculous.

Faced with a seemingly insurmountable barrier, the Swiss looked to their leader, skipper Mirjam Ott.

What happened next cannot be adequately described in words.

Ott didn’t seem any different from the outset, but there was an aura of invincibility about her after the unfortunate pickup. Her teammates, catching the invincibility virus, started drawing incredibly accurate and unbelievable shots. Even the crowd, which had been rather subdued, started screaming, shouting and screaming: “Ott’s Team! Ott’s Team!”

The Swiss managed to narrow the gap to 6-4.

Despite the Swede’s best efforts to hold them of, Ott’s incredibly sublime final stone at the 10^th end drew the match!

11^th end.

Ott managed to place two stone in the home with no other rival stones anywhere in it. It was up to the Swedes to either win the game or lose it.

The crowd, which comprised three factions: the Swiss, the Swedes, and the neutrals; were screaming their heads off.

Loud chants of “Ott’s Team!” were answered by screaming Swedes, which in turn drove the neutrals into choosing a side.

You could hear a pin drop when the Swedish skipper took her place.

The ice queen delivered – and made a double takeout (not the kind at McDonalds), removing both Swiss stones with her stone the remaining tenant.

Yup, there you have it. A heart-pounding match which, interestingly, didn’t bring tears to my eyes as they would if my truly favourite team losses.

The simple and only answer is because the Swiss played like champions, and their skipper Mirjam Ott earning a place of worship that I have up to now, only allocated to Himura Kenshin and Jon Stewart, for never wavering or surrendering under great odds.

My other co-favourite sport during the Winter Games can only be ice-skating.

As the saying goes: “It’s a one of a kind.”

Ice-skating is a combination of beauty, grace, artistry, individuality, skill, stamina, and rhythm. I can assure you, gymnastic, the summer equivalent of ice-skating, doesn’t even come close to this unique discipline.

Watching the gala performance repeat on Sunday evening was the best way to see what ice-skating had to offer. Unlike real competition, the gala is performed more to entertain the audience than to get one up over your opponent – in other words, the skaters get a free reign on how and what they wish to perform.

Some notable performances include the emotional display by Johnny Weir to Sinatra’s (is there any other?) My Way, the feminine grace of Irina Slutskaya, the cool elegance and beauty of Olympic Gold Medallist Shizuka Arakawa to the music You Raise Me Up, and last but never least, a glorious performance by Olympic Gold Medallist, the legendary Evgeni Plushenko to the Stradivarius of Edvin Martin.

Speaking of which, I will now officially issue a challenge to all the rappers of the world. Not even one of these “musicians” had their “tunes” featured in the event – although any music genre is allowed.

Until an ice-skater wins an Olympic medal accompanied by rap, I’ll never consider it music worth listening to.

As someone on the Internet once posted: “Rap is an interesting word; add C and you get what it is; add E and you get what it does to your brain.”

Other events there drew my interests were the snowboarding events (which were more like the Winter X Games), short track skating, aerials, moguls, and any other event I happened to tune in to.

The closing ceremony however, was less than pleasing – at least for me – as its main theme was the carnival.

Luckily, there were more things than dancing clowns to look at; e.g., Avril Lavigne.

And on that bombshell, I end my take on the Torino 2006 Winter Olympics.

I said I would devote almost all of today’s blog to the Winter Games. My second phrase today is magic maggots.

Remember my compost bin? I stand corrected, there are maggots feeding on vegetable matter. Big juicy ones not unlike the kind you see on Fear Factor.

I am not really sure how they got there; maybe it happened when I took out the inner bin to aerate its contents. The point is: underneath the initial layer of organic waste, there now lies a thick layer of black organic slush (for lack of a better word) crawling with maggots. Yesterday, I removed some of the matter for plant growing purposes. I will publish the results next week.

Also, the Sautern Enterprise blog has also been updated so check it out if you have the time.

Till then, see you in Vancouver!

Dead of the Week: 29
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 104

Spiritual White

Dichotomy, Raconteur, Sobriquet, Polemic, Wherewithal, Deportment, Elocution.

Wonderful, marvelous, incredible and surprising. I suppose those are apt words to describe my week.

Firstly, I finally got my P license for both car and chopper. There was nothing fishy during the examination - I made a few mistakes, and nobody asked for bribes. In fact, it was just a mere coincidence that I made the same exact mistakes and scored the same as the guy after me.

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

Come on, it doesn't make any bloody difference that I crossed the raised pavement test in exactly 7.8 seconds, same as the guy before me - as long as I got my Professional driving license.

This gets me thinking however: if I am a professional driver now, why will I be demoted into a mere "Competent" driver in two years time (it's a Malaysian thing).


I have an announcement - the startup company I am involve in is approaching its internal launching date, which is the 25th of this month. Therefore, for marke... I mean introduction purposes, we are also launching our company's official blog, which for now, will be on Blogger.

I struck upon this idea while taking a trip with our CEO, Tommy Ooi, to the Registrar of Businesses (a.k.a. R.O.B.) to well, register our business. Full details will be posted on our company blog, here.

Yesterday, will remain as one of the most shocking days of my life - my computer died.

Technically speaking, it didn't die; but almost always loaded in Safe Mode, which is as close to geek death as possible.

Drawing an analogy with the non-geek world would involve describing a scene where a patient is placed into a comatose state so that the trainee doctor may be allowed to rewire some important arteries, veins, and carry out organ transplants without the displeasure of a complaining patient who got into the mess in the first place by hiring an untrained plastic surgeon to inject nerve gas into the forehead to remove wrinkles and prevent facial expression.

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

The main thing is, PC is still usable, for now; after the trainee doctor attempted to replace her brain but was stopped by an unknown presence.

And yes, I phrased that sentence correctly. I named my computer PC and assigned it a female gender - so sue me, I don't have a girlfriend.

Before I move on to other items, I wish to share a touching moment I saw on Saturday which re-ignited my belief in the human race.

While traveling to visit my grandma who is now lying in hospital due to heart problems (aided no doubt by her children who STARVED HER FOR SIX DAYS!), I observed a blind man crossing the road.

He lifted his cane high into the air with his umbrella pointing downwards; clearly signaling his intent to cross.

The first kindness: An oncoming car slowed down more than 30 metres away.

The second kindness: After crossing the road, I saw two young ladies offering to guide him in his travels.

The third kindness: As my father pulled away, slowing down before a traffic light, I saw a motorcyclist guiding another blind man across the road. This would be unremarkable except for the fact that I could see an ownerless motorcycle with its lights still on parked beside the road.

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

I can only speculate that the motorcyclist, in his zeal to help the blind man, forgot to remove the keys from his bike.

Now, why can't more people act this way.

To another news item:
The Nintendo DS Lite will apparently support web browsing, among other interesting features. PSP nutcases, feeling stupid?

But the real story of the week belongs to MySpace.

Besides kicking Friendsters butt all the way to the nearest blackhole, MySpace has apparently TWO-AND-A-HALF times the traffic of Google.

What I have to say is of course:
What the hell are you fuddle duddle idiots still doing on that bloody slower than flowing sewage water Friendster?!?

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

Remember the "Peace" message I left behind last week? It had to do with the Olympics.

I always had a soft spot for it, so that is why I couldn't write anything remotely vitriolic last week because the Olympic spirit sort of seeps into your soul, at least, that's how it works for me.

In fact, it's better than religion or any other ideological beliefs in promoting peace.

Take this for example:
Pope visits mosque - nothing happens.

Atheist handing out flyers in Salem - burnt at the stake.

North Korea and South Korea marching out under a single flag accompanied by 80's American rock music - millions cheer!

I have also fallen in love with another sport - curling.

There is nothing else like it in the summer games (okay, maybe it shares some similarities with lawnbowl). Curling is a combination of strategy and precision, where players with the biggest biceps don't win, but the geeky team does most of the time.

The aim of the game is to place your stone as close as possible to the "button" inside the "home". One point is awarded for every stone that comes nearer to the button than does any rival stone.

If you still can't get the gist of the game, go here.

Knowing me, you may realise that I am currently planning to send a Malaysian curling team to the Olympics as soon as possible. But first, I need to amass great wealth and prestige (for further reference, check out Sautern Enterprise).

And in other news, the Vice President of the United States, shot, a 78 year-old man in the face.

P.S. Due to PC's slightly deranged state, this blog is being published one day later than usual. Hey! You try working on a computer that hangs 10 seconds after Windows boots up!

Dead of the Week: 22
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 75

Green Rockheads

Overwrought, Wordsmith, Gnarly, Shoehorn, Assiduous, De rigueur.

The Malaysian week started with a few bangs and ended with hundreds of people stabbing and pinning sharp objects through one another.

Don't be surprised (to non-Malaysians), it's a yearly event religiously observed... Because it's a religious thing.

Anyway, there are greater things to attend to; namely, the Prophet Muhammad caricatures issue.

It seems the Danish government has officially requested help from Malaysia to help ameliorate the situation because, simply put, it is the only Islamic country that respects the freedom of its citizens and failed to alienate religious zealots and extremists.

And on that happy note I end this weeks article because I wish to enjoy a little

Peace.



Dead of the Week: 20
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 53

Booking Stench

Paroxysm, Ambuscade, Absinthe, Kleptomania, Bunk, Concupiscence, Panoply.

Once again, I find myself blogging from somewhere outside the simplistic, sweet design of Blogger. This time, it'’s because I conducted my weekly Internet routine of checking my e-mail at dusk instead of sometime in the evening yesterday. Therefore, I wish to apologise for the belatedness of this issue (if anyone actually cares, that is).

Lets proceed to some appetizers then.

First serving of the week comes from me.

After long delay, I could no longer put it off. I had to salve my conscience. I must own my own compost bin.

So, early one morning last week, I burnt some holes into an unused dustbin (after searching for a compost bin'’s blueprints earlier that morning), and popped it back into its mother ship (it'’s one of those bin-within-a-bin design). During the course of the week, I initiated my plan to gather as much organic waste as possible to kick-start my junk collection, so to speak.

And as they say, just add water.

The result: An extremely pungent foul and aromatic miasma of decaying organic matter. The bacteria within are also doing something else the Internet plans said would happen -– producing heat.

I have a faint suspicion that they are producing methane -– but my sister won'’t allow me to test it (add fire), so I will just have to be content with an emergency radiator in case winter arrives early in Malaysia.

Everyone should make one for their household, even if it'’s just to see how much waste material one cycles through every day.

Waiter, you may serve the main dish.

There has been much uproar over the treatment of twelve senior citizens by the Malaysian police.

For those not in the know, while everyone else was celebrating Chinese New Year, the Malaysian police saw fit to raid a coffeeshop and arrested 11 senior citizens (which also included a handful of middle-aged men) for alleged gambling while playing mahjong.

In Malaysia, it'’s illegal for senior Chinese citizens to exercise their right to spend their life savings after years of toiling and struggling for some mahjong fun.

If you thought that was unfair, Malaysian police have brought it to the next level.

Those same senior citizens were forced to spend a night in jail for alleged gambling.

Ridiculous, right?

Hold that train of thought, because there'’s more!

Sometime during their prison stint, the police saw fit to shave them bald and stripping them down to their underwear!

So much for the respect of elders.

In their own defence, a police spokesperson claimed it was in the provisions of the law that they shaved all detainees bald. Unfortunately for the dimwit, someone pointed out that it was convicted prisoners the law was referring to.

Naturally, mobs of angry villages have begun sharpening their knives to begin an extremely bloody insurrection against the police… Nah, just kidding, the angry mob is in the process of turning into a bloody mob if the police don'’t come clean immediately.

Quick recap: a few months ago, Malaysian police were embroiled in an embarrassing scandal infamously know as the nude-squat incident.

There'’s only so much cow dung the public can take before a national crisis materialises.

For dessert, I wish to share a wonderful discovery. For people who hold the books are crap mentality, I am about to change your mind.

It is red book aptly titled: Big book of Insults.

Right on the title cover, this little gem is on display for all to see:

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.

-Groucho Marx

Compiled by Nancy Mcphee, it features alternatives to profanity-happy-uncouth-knavish language so widely used today by introducing the invectives of days gone by.

From the poet Shakespeare to Mark Twain, politicians to editors, we are given a reader'’s guide to conducting conversations with Gregory House and (my favourite part), insulting opponents with class.

All for the price of £6.99 as printed on the cover. Luckily for me, I got it for just under RM15.00. That'’s a cool one-third of the original price!

I leave you with one of the many quotes from the book:

I could do without your face, Chloe, and without your neck, and your hands, and your limbs, and, to save myself the trouble of mentioning the points in detail, I could do without you altogether.

-Marcus Valerius Martial (c.40-104 AD)

Dead of the Week: 14
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 33

Clean Porch?

Gratuitous, Irreverent, Camber, Debauched, Cukes, Collation, Carnal, Auteur, Reprobate.

So this it it, eh? Chinese New Year. The most anticipated celebration on the Chinese Lunar Calendar. Besting other illustrious celebrations such as the Hungry Ghost Festival, and the Lunar Festival.

This is the 17th time I celebrate Chinese New Year. Unlike previous years however, my neurotic mother has decided to single handedly dampen the start of the year by acting like a five-year-old.

It all started yesterday when my family went to the crematorium to pay our respects to my paternal grandmother and paternal uncle. After the incineration of a few coloured papers, which miraculously allows the transfer of large amounts of cash to our family in the afterlife, we went to a local hypermarket. There, my father chided my mother (not without reason) for wasting time by running all over the place looking for free stuff and spending unnecessary time selecting ONE hamper from a few DOZEN identical ones.

On the way back, I gave my own two cents worth on another unrelated matter because my mother was being an arrogant hypocrite. After we got to visiting my former nanny, my sister gave some comments about my mother's obsessive greedy nature of trying to get as much free stuff as possible (she was siphoning off some rags).

The straw that broke the camels back however, was when we set out towards my maternal grandmother's house one hour behind schedule, because of an unexpected visit by my deceased uncle's family. Somehow, after acting quite unfairly towards my sister (when she was ordered by my mother to text message some people since she didn't want to do it herself), my father requested her to lighten up - it was New Year's Eve.

She blew up, and sulked all the way to my grandma's house, all the time saying she wasn't going to eat anything and why should we bother visiting other people during the celebrations. After an awkward dinner at my grandma's (she actually called them when she blew up to tell them we weren't coming when we were more than halfway there), we set off straight back home instead of another yearly event - visiting my other relatives who reside in Georgetown.

At home, she went straight into the neighbour's house that she had rented and didn't come out till 10p.m., whereupon she went straight to sleep. Meanwhile, my father, sister, and to a lesser extent, me, were sprucing up the house for the new year.

Frankly, if I didn't catch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Global Edition last night, and if Everton hadn't at least drew Chelsea last night, I wouldn't have been able to sleep.

As I'm writing this at 1.33p.m., I hear signs of activity outside my room which tells me my mother has finally left her bedroom.

In a nutshell, I don't think I have any respect left for my mother - a forty-year-old who is as mature as a five-year-old.

What I am going to do right now to temporarily forget my family troubles is to focus on Chinese New Year itself.

Chinese New Year is a very versatile and compact celebration. For those who have never celebrated it, think of it as Christmas and New Year mixed with a dash of Thanksgiving. By giving out ang pows (red packets filled with money) instead of presents, the Chinese have eliminated the bane of picking out the perfect present for that relative you don't really know or refuse to acknowledge. Another advantage is (correct me if I am wrong) you only need to give the dough to children and unmarried relatives.

For that special relation whom you have always disliked, you can decide to, uh, reduce the amount of contribution to their kids - and they wouldn't be the wiser until you are out of sight - since it's impolite to open a wrapped ang pow in front of the guy who gave it to you.

The Chinese even threw in family reunion and here's my favourite part - you can't sweep the floor or do any cleaning work during the New Year, because according to tradition, you would be "sweeping" the wealth away!

To wrap up the week, a domain name me and my buddies have been eyeing for a start-up company we are setting up has been hijacked by cybersquatters. But fear not, I am now preparing a case with whatever limited knowledge I have to snatch it back - legally.

Looks like all those episodes of Matlock I watched as a kid will won't be wasted...

P.S. 55 Geni died on Stargate: Atlantis when Colonel Sheppard raised the Stargate's shield. But because no bodies emerged, I decided not to add it to the counter.

Dead of the Week: 7
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 19

Cool Yarmulkes

Brumal, Ferine, Wassail, Conjugal, Precis, Kitsch, Retention, Winnow, Conching.

One item will hog the spotlight today - my death counter.

Seeing that its previous moniker was quite a mouthful, I have shortened it to Dead of the Week and Total Dead.

The hot issue this week is a "I take back what I said" incident.

The Education Ministry has decided to rescind or in this case - reinstate the ban on handphone (aka cellphones, mobile phones) usage by students nationwide.

If this sounds familiar to anyone who has been watching The Nanny last week, I know you to are laughing at the irony of the situation.

For those who haven't kept pace with Malaysian news, a few weeks ago, the Education Ministry suddenly decided to repeal the ban of handphones in schools nationwide. However, a lot teachers and other individuals have vehemently protested the annulment of the ban - which in turn led to the return of the ban.

In short: Handphones Banned > Handphones Allowed > Handphones Banned.

Have you ever watched The Shield. If you haven't, I say it's time your parents allowed you to grow up young man OR, I sympathies that you never even had the chance to watch this show and must instead force yourself to enjoy The O.C.

Basically, Detective Vic Mackey's approach to drug dealers is to force them to pay "royalties" for the "privilege" to sell China White on the streets, by his rules. That way, as he so eloquently put it:"We may not be able to stop that shit from coming in, but at least we can make sure our kids don't take any of it."

NOTE: My memory isn't that good so don't sue me if that's not what he said.

In my opinion, the handphone issue should be handled the same way. The same way allegorically.

We should have rules regarding the usage of handphones in school - not an outright ban, which doesn't just seem lazy on the part of the teachers and lawmakers, but is downright anachronistic is this day and age where even a teddy bear has a functioning radioactive circuit board.

Besides, the students bring them to school anyway; regardless of whether the ban exists or not. At least with rules governing the usage of handphones, we can curb any unnecessary use of the device while ensuring the student have a reliable way of communication.

If you read the press statements saying there are public phones and the office phones at the students disposal - cook alphabet soup and let them eat their own words mate, because that's a half-truth.

There are public phones around the school. Except they are unreliable most of the time. I still remember that day when I had to lug my heavy school bag around for about 1 kilometre searching for a usable public phone so I could contact my parents. By that time, I was outside the school grounds; meaning I would have to trek back about 1 kilometre before I could reach the administrative offices and request permission from the surly school clerks to allow me to give a damn 10 cent phone call - which I didn't do.

Instead, I simply went to all the spots where my parents usually wait when school ends, which was faster and less tiring than "school trek".

If my plight isn't convincing enough, I have only one question:
Where do I sign up for the "Sadists Anonymous of Malaysia" club? I want to enhance my pleasure of watching those younger than me suffer and die.


And now to my final subject, the one where only Americans have the balls to leave comments. The rest don't want to raise "sensitivities".

It is evolution again, this time, in Malaysian schoolbooks.

Or rather, lack of.

When I was in Form 4, which was two years ago, I asked my biology teacher whether or not we would learn evolution. She said it wasn't in the highschool syllabus.

And here's the kicker: Every textbook of the three science subjects (Biology, Physics, Chemistry) forced upon me begins with a chapter that always begins or ends with a paragraph praising the greatness of God in creating this wonderful world.

Which god it refers to however, will forever remain an unspoken truth.

The fact of the matter is, religious technocrats write the school syllabus. Not scientists.

Be objective people!

I leave you with this quote from Jon Stewart:
"Whether or no you believe the solar system was created 4.6 billion years ago or 6000 years ago, depends on whether or not you are wrong."

I love Jewish comedians.

Dead of the Week: 11
Total Dead (Since 12th Jan 2006): 12

Dead Things

Lox, Loath, Melancholia, Inducement, Remiss, Inveigh, Inveigle.

And another week has come to an end. This time, I am, disturbingly, quite grateful, a lot of unfortunate events have occurred over the past week. I call it the "Jon Stewart Syndrome" whereby a person is glad that unfortunate acts of injustice and tragic events have occurred so that the said person is able to criticize and give his two cents worth to boost his credibility and popularity (which I seriously doubt is on the rise, especially after last weeks article which basically insulted 98% of the world's population).

I start first with the "People I Saw Dead (on tv)" counter at the bottom of this post.

It was inspired in part by a news article from a while back which claimed fatalities seen on tv has breached a certain three digit number (which I inconveniently, can't recall). But what really triggered the counter was a Calvin & Hobbes strip about the increase in violence seen on tv way back in 1985.

So there you go. The genesis of the counter of tv demise. Enjoy.

First food for thought: The state of the homeless in Malaysia.

No, I'm not referring to homeless people, I'm referring to homeless pets.

Malaysia, although rich in biodiversity and all that crap has a very impressive record of cruelty to animals. A few months back, a man was "punished" for cutting up a tiger and storing it in his fridge. A few weeks ago, certain zoos in Malaysia were found smuggling orang-utans from I-don't-really-want-to-know.

Now, we have abandoned animals. The SPCA, a non-profit organization dedicated to the welfare of abandoned pets has published a shocking report in The Star stating various breeds of dogs, cats, and even "exotic" pets left at their centres when they have outgrown their cuteness, or have lost their novelty, or have simply been too costly to keep.

There exists stereotypical images of skinny, diseased-riddened animals whenever one speaks of the SPCA in Malaysia. This is ultimately detrimental to the SPCA's adoption programme as no one wants to even go near them. I know this because my mother wouldn't heed my suggestion to adopt a dog from the SPCA and instead brought one home from her colleague, after telling me there were "worms" in those dogs.

She also displayed, to my extreme displeasure, the abhorrible trait of discarding things-you-can't-always-control by suggesting we send our current dog to the SPCA as he had become quite unruly; adding quite self-satisfyingly, the SPCA wanted dogs like him.


Our second highlight of the week is the harvesting of bear bile. A practice common among East Asian societies. Apparently, bear bile is the ultimate panacea, curing everything from impotence to (add you favourite ailment here).

Being of Chinese descent, I should be expected to comprehend the necessity of sticking a needle through the abdomen of a sun bear to suck out whatever bile there is and proceed to drink it; and I do, in a twisted way.

I mean, if the Geneva Convention allowed me to stick needles into a fellow human being to suck out his bile for consumption, I would be the first one in line to do it.

And here's the kicker: the people doing this claim they are doing it in a "humane way" and the bears "feel no pain".

Not surprisingly, no government I know of is actively banning the consumption of bear bile, due to the fact that it is extremely profitable - just like cheap porn.


On a lighter note, the Islamic Family Law has been stalled and will not be enforced due to the extremely misogynistic allotments within the law.

On an even lighter note, The Star has finally allotted three pages in its Sunday addition to Japanese anime. A long time coming that one.

On a simply downright frivolous note, I got my 'L' driving license.

Till then, be at peace with death.

People I Saw Dead (on tv) Last Week : 1
Total Number of People I Saw Dead (on tv): 1 (Since 12th Jan 2006)

Burnt to Death

Obstreperous, Obeisance, Ottoman, Facile, Fricatives, Parse, Chockablock, Enfeeble, Perquisite, Stoic, Petard, Laconic, Epigram.

If the common man could travel the different paths of space-time back to its point of origin, he would discover that this blog was written using Notepad.

"Why?" he may ask. Because I'm using dial-up and my sister is on the phone (entering her first hour, proving that women do talk more on the phone than men, regardless of nationality) after a two hour session online.

So at this point, if my writing style seems somehow different from before, it might be due to the change of medium. Blogging using Notepad is somehow much more different than blogging using Blogger.

The past week has been quiet by Malaysian standards, with the death of a businessman as a result of careless placement of a lump of heavy metal (think Roadrunner) during construction of some forgettable building. The government is acting (or reacting) swiftly and preventive measures will be enforced nationwide to prevent another death by anvil.

As a result, I have the pleasure of devoting the rest of this blog to international news.

Number one on the list, Ariel Sharon in the hospital.

Yasser Arafat... Ring a bell, anyone? When the "great" Palestinian leader kicked the bucket, the peace process was actually expedited, not shot to smithereens.

Would the same thing happen when Sharon meets his maker. Tune in next week for the exciting season finale of "The Neverending Story of The Highly Political Charge and Unnecessary Israel-Palestine Conflict".

Come on, is it that hard to live in peace and harmony? On last count, Malaysia has more than three different races and more than two dozen ethnic groups with beliefs ranging from the mainstream single omnipresent entity, to animistic shamans.

We don't make blowing each other up a daily routine.

Another piece of news I'm very concerned about is the teaching of "intelligent design" in USA high schools.

For people not fully acquainted with the US Constitution (which I sincerely doubt), it stresses the separation between church and state. That means you can't mix religion with just about anything formal.

Here's where Darwin is proven right. Supporters of the huge wooden boat able to withstand 40 days on the high seas with enough provisions for every species of animals (strange isn't it, when you consider the fact there are no two pairs each of trees?) suddenly change the way the Bible is interpreted by suggesting life is too complex to have evolved from single cell organisms.

Gee, I didn't realise we would all be living in a two dimensional ecosystem if we had things our way.

Although there is no point adding fuel to fire, I am going ahead anyway:

1. Why is it always the Christian method of genesis the way everyone supports when fighting Darwin's evolution fact?
2. Why do most people choose to believe that a big green hand in the sky is protecting them rather than hard science?
3. What would those parochial chauvinists do when extraterrestrial entities are discovered beyond Earth's atmosphere?
4. If gods promote world peace, wouldn't: MORE GODS = MORE PEACE?
5. Are you open enough to accept an alternate belief which is closer to the truth, although it runs into everything you have been thought?

I once believe in a god myself, but that was before I was told gods looked like me. Due to a non-existent ego, I imagined god to be one of the most feared natural phenomenon, a lump of smoldering red hot lava.

"Adults" however, having developed a culture of worship and obeisance, painted gods as human-like entities.

Think about it. I did, at the tender age of 5.

Nice Week

Ignominious, Expediency, Misogyny, Baluster, Indigenous, Churl, Trite, Cussing, Slinky.

As the title suggests, I had an excellent week, except for the fact that I paid FIVE RINGGIT for a cup (actually, make that 1/5 of a cup) of coffee at Coffee Bean.

I believe it was an espresso macchiato, the idea being that once you drink an espresso, you are allegedly guaranteed to stay awake for I don't know, till 2.00 a.m.?

Here's the problem - the instant coffee I brew at home is thicker than the stuff they served me. I suppose to lesser taste buds and wannabe coffee aficionados, the RM5.00 drain water might be strong; but I guarantee you, the extra strong mocha coffee I brew at home using generic instant coffee, generic instant milk, and generic cocoa powder has more kick that the diluted sludge they dare to call espresso.

Oh, and free internet access at Coffee Bean is a lie (which was the reason I went there in the first place). Never again will I visit overhyped upmarket franchised coffee houses for their coffee.

On a happier note, WiFi access is indeed free at Starbucks. Take note however that coffee is more expensive than "recreational" drugs in the Netherlands.

On an even happier note, TV2 has finally redeemed itself in the eyes of the investors (if there are any left) by airing some exciting new movies and tv series, especially The Lord of the Rings and Stargate: Atlantis!!!

My only gripe is that they released Stargate: Atlantis quietly. So quietly that I, a self professed sci-fi aficionado, missed seven, I said SEVEN episodes.

By the by, where the heck is Stargate: SG1. It's running into its ninth season in the US and we Malaysians are still stuck at season 3. What gives?

Well, you can't have everything in life, I will just have to do what everyone else does:
Save up and buy the DVD.

Here's to a fruitful and entertaining year.

P.S. If you have noticed, my blog is now licensed under Creative Commons. If you are calling your lawyer right now, I will assume you don't know what it means. Scroll to the end of the page to find out.

In Thunderous Applause

Quoit, raiment, preclude, loopy, gonzo, rhetoric, coronet, impecunious, empyrean, maudlin.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Chap Goh Mei and Kwanzaa.

There, now that I have given the annual winter greetings, I will proceed to a couple of issues worth the common Malaysian's attention.

Number one on the item is the passing of the Islamic Family Law bill, which if anyone who hasn't just been out shopping, cooking, baking, partying and generally engaging in other holiday activities know, allows Islamic men more freedom in matters of polygamy among others.

Being of a belief (atheism) that doesn't practise polygamy, nor any experience of it, I will not pass judgment on the lifestyles of some people and how they treat the women of their lives.

I do however wish to highlight a certain aspect of the entire episode, which was much more displeasing and disappointing then the actual content of the bill itself.

In a shocking revelation, the nations alleged democracy is revealed to be nothing but a pretentious whimsical farce when a certain minister who was recently in the limelight as a leader of a certain human rights caucus declared he would invoke the Whip to prevent any vote against the bill by women MPs within parliament. All 19 of them.

Invoke the Whip; and it turns out another senior minister of a darker skin tone could also invoke the Whip.

I don't know about you, but my sick, twisted mind has conjured up images of (content not suitable for younger readers) and of merchandising deals - "Invoke the Whip" T-Shirts anyone?

For those precarious easily influenced minds who have not quite reached the maturity to understand what this means... Go to www.disney.com.

For those who do, I'll stress again: the Judicial and Legislative Branches are now ONE! No more checks and balance, because ministers who oppose the bill or any bills for the matter will scream, shout and cry, but in the end, will vote for something that betrays not just their conscience, but that of Muslim women all over Malaysia.

This begets the question - what next?
Answer: Every man in Malaysia is entitled to a free houris from birth.

The second issue I wish to highlight is the increased vigilance of censors in Malaysia.

You know what I mean.

Here I was, watching an episode of The Nanny when I realized the censors working overtime. Here and there, words like jerk and damn not to mention entire phrases and sentences replaced with the Malaysian way of censorship - silence.

Come on! When you remove the word stiff from an innocuous sentence like "I'm not as ~ in the morning..." which was meant as a repartee that Mr. Sheffield was not as strict as Ms. Fine implied was turned into something quite insidious by the censors when they replaced the word with the silence of space.

Those hypocritically parochial morons should have realized that only people with matured minds would have understood the joking reference to sex and only uptight, prim and proper individuals (e.g., the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, religious fundamentalists) wouldn't laugh along.

Kids are of course, excluded if they don't understand. I know, because I watched The Nanny when I was 5 and I still laugh as hard then as I do now, because jokes mean different things at different ages.

For example, the Jack and Jill went up the hill... nursery rhyme. Then, it was just a weird illogical poem. When I first heard this poem, I thought it was pretty odd to be writing poems about a boy and girl fetching water from a well on top of a hill and then falling down from a life threatening height.

Now, I understand that it was an allegorical piece about teenage sex set to nursery rhyme.

Sorry, got a bit carried away there.

The way Malaysian censors work is an interesting case study - they censored the tone of variable frequency and amplitude emanating through the vocal cords of the actors as if they have a grudge against "talkies" but, didn't care to remove the Bahasa Malaysia subtitles of the spoken words.

Hmm... From here I conclude that the censors intend for us to insult one another in Bahasa Malaysia and if we ever need to exchange sexually charge repartee, we should do it in Malay.

Having nothing else to do and nothing else to censor, these morons have also targeted a rerun of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Global Edition.

It was the same show, only with some content further removed. Most conspicuous was how Jon's use of the Hindu god Lord Ganesh was removed. Yes my Hindu brothers, the censors are doing religious profiling.

Now, if only there were people out there reading my weekly blog entries then I can count on my fingers, my assessment and views would be more than just wasted Internet storage and bandwidth, people might actually start making a difference.

On that sour note, I end my last blog entry of 2005, see you next year.

Live Long & Prosper,
May The Force Be With You,
Be At Peace With Death.

P.S. If you are wondering about the title, it's a reference to what Senator Padme Amidala said during Revenge of the Sith after Darth Sidious dissolve the Galactic Senate.

Enough said.

The Atheist's Preach

Peccadillo, Malthusian, Palliate, Mezzanine, Denigrate, Boor, Levity, Spelunker, Palindrome, Motile, Parlance.

24000 people.

Take a moment to consider that number.

24000 die every day from hunger.

You can help without paying a single dime. "How?" you may ask skeptically. By going to this site, and clicking on the unavoidable big yellow button.

Advertisers pay about 0.5 pence per click (if my sources are to be trusted) to feed someone dying of hunger.

You don't need to spend a single cent.

After clicking, you will see similar sites are also located at the bottom half of the page. Make sure you check out other causes you can support.

Be compassionate.

If you can't even do this simple task, and if you are religious to boot, I suggest taking a well deserved stroll to the North Pole to keep that cold-as-ice heart of yours from melting.

Now, onwards to another issue.

Recently, some quarters, ahem, Msiuc Cnocuuil of Mylasaia, have suggested a blanket levy on all CD-Rs to be sold in our beloved country.

They claim, uh, actually I don't care what they claim. They are just being greedy.

Just a reminder, you can do your own research to confirm this, the manufacturing cost of a CD is significantly lower than that of a cassette's.

Yet the industry charges more for CDs.

That's because music on CDs will sound like music (although Ashlee Simpson and other pop-singer wannabes might not qualify for this category) while audio from cassettes will eventually sound like Edward Scissorhands trying to write on the blackboard.

The smart people up there know we will pay more for a cheap product if it's better than the more expensive junk sold cheaply.

That's it for now, I'll end today's show with a quote from The Daily Show With Jon Stewart: Global Edition -
"every time someone says 'Happy Holidays', an angel gets AIDS. "

Coalesce, Bibliobibuli, Akimbo, Mosh, Bodewash, Donnybrook, Popinjay, Mawkish, Token Economy, Ecorche, Ectocommensal, Congenital.

Two weeks.

That's how long I trained for the Penang Band Festival.

Two weeks worth of sweat, pain, and most of all, wasted time.

If you should know, we won the state level challenge, which was held on Friday. No unbiased judging here. How do I know? Because I asked my younger sister who was watching the event (she's one of those honest types) as well as my mother (vindictive and highly judgmental type) regarding their opinion on whether or not we deserved the win.

They both agreed. But they still pointed out weaknesses in our performance.

Friday's Result: We received the Gold Certificate and were crowned champions of Penang. Annihilating our closest competitors Jit Sin & Heng Ee (someone tell me if I misspelled their names) with the inspirational Sejahtera Malaysia (my favourite Malay Song of all time) and the classical Poet and Peasant.

Yesterday though, was a different story. The judges were different from Friday night. Quite understandable. But most of their replacements were local or regional.

This was the national level competition, so we really should be doing better than this. But as long as the judging was fair, IDGARA.

It wasn't.

None of the bands outside of Penang received Gold certificates and in an odd twist of fate, my band, the classical piece playing band, earned only a silver for playing the same thing from Friday night (as did all the Penang schools), while Jit Sin walked away champions and Heng Ee won a Gold Certificate (as did Jit Sin).

Believe me when I say this isn't the sore loser speaking, here's the evidence:

• Heng Ee played worse than us that night, meaning they played too loudly and there were very obvious flaws in their performance.
• Jit Sin were only slightly better than Heng Ee.
• None of the schools outside of Penang received Gold Certificates (which would have meant they were in contention for the Yamaha Trophy) for their performance.
• Some of the judges were, shall we say, not on friendly terms with our principal Conductor, Mr. Woon Wen Kin.
  
• Chung Ling High School Band (my band) had healthy female support. This is quite remarkable when you take into account Chung Ling is an all-boys high school.

Whatever information above was gleaned from the teacher advisers of CLHS Band as well as ex-members of CLHS Band. If you think they would have been biased, let me enlighten you by saying one of the teacher advisers once gave the president a scolding in front of us band members in a public area.

They lose nothing by giving us their honest opinions. We on the other hand, lose a lot more by listening to lies.

No one plays demagogue in the school band of Chung Ling.

After one days worth of observation, reflection, and other calculations; I have come to the conclusion that the Penang Band Festival was nothing more than a political ploy for the Pesta Pulau Pinang celebrations.

A victory was assure for the home teams when none of the non-Penang teams earned a Gold Certificate.

A mock David-versus-Goliath or some other come from behind victory against a much more powerful competitor was staged when Chung Ling supposedly screwed up to earn a scandalous Silver Certificate while both Jit Sin & Heng Ee were given Gold.

If you still have any doubts, let me leave you with this final note:
Some of the unbiased, common folk, who had no affiliations with Chung Ling were heard by my bandmates saying they were surprised by the decision as they had predicted a Chung Ling victory.

I can only compare this infuriating decision with the one made over the Anthony Bonsante-Jesse Brinkley rematch.

Some victories are worse than defeat.

Live Long & Prosper,
May The Force Be With You,
Be At Peace With Death.

The Anticlimax.

That's one of my suggested names for the supposedly hardest examination a secondary student in Malaysia will face. It would be hard, if you didn't study anything for the past 5 years of secondary education.

Now, for my forecasts:

Chemistry - Average, meaning it was as hard as a coconut under the Malaysian sun. But then, Chemistry was and might always will be the hardest subject for me to crack. Get this: I can't give it up next year! This is because some idiots working in the upper echelons of the Malaysian government thinks all Malaysians should take some biomedicine thingy training, which they claim will create a richer human capital. These are of cause, the same parochial pigs who invented the streaming system. Whatever happened to learning for learning's sake, and to follow your own passions? C

Biology - Easy on the eyes, more so in the mind. My favourite subject of all the science subject forced upon me by the school. As I predicted, Biology was a breeze for me, with a few hiccough of course, but nothing major. A

English in Science & Technology (EST) - Indifferent

Note: Words in colour are my expected grades.

And that ends my week. I had to do my blogging two days earlier due to band practices and an outing with fellow Fifth Formers on Saturday and a charity performance with my school band on Sunday. I play the Tuba. Go figure.

Bonhamie, blithe, ebullient, effusive, insouciant.

This week, Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, the wise old Karate sensei of Karate Kid fame has passed on. Karate Kid was one of the first movies I watched while growing up, and in a way, has inculcated a sense of honour and respect in me towards treating others and towards life. It was one of the first movies that made me feel mortal, the fear of death, at the old age of 5.

To my first martial arts and life teacher, I bid you farewell and to have the afterlife you seek and deserve.

I had a fascinating week, not that you should care, but I am writing, so that gives me the right to write (pun unintended) whatever I want to write.

SPM this week starred two subjects:

Uh... Hold on while I check (flipping through black folder)-

Pendidikan Moral (Moral Education) - The fact that I had to actually open my bag to recall this subject should be enough to explain my feelings towards the subject. That said, it marvels me to no end how my mind can turn innocent moral phrases and definitions into twisted sadistic animated shorts (think Futurerama). Everything became surprisingly easier to memorise once I did that. The key is to not inhibit the threads your mind will take. C

Additional Mathematics - Calculus, statistics, and everything in between. I loath this subject. But I still consider loathing better than apathy. It was horrible, terrible, vegetable... Whoops! Sorry, reverted into Manglish there. Having passed this paper only once in 7 attempts, I had extremely low hopes for this paper. In fact, My friends who hung around me before taking the paper actually became worried about taking the paper because of my reputation of, as they put it: "he's never worried." Anyway, the paper went relatively okay, and humans will still slaughter one another even if I fail the paper. C

Note: Words in colour are my expected grades.

Next week, I will slay a dragon and eat its entrails.

P.S. Those who own a driving license and have a huge amount of money to blow on a new car may want to check this out.

Live Long & Prosper,
May The Force Be With You,
Be At Peace With Death.

In Memory of Noriyuki "Pat" Morita,
The greatest on-screen American Karate Sensei.

Finally! Me and my buddies, acquaintances, enemies and other fifth formers have reached the halfway line of our very important high school exam.

The verdict:

• Chinese - Easily one of my worst subjects. How did I come to that conclusion? I only passed once in the last two years. SPM Chinese was slightly easier, but I'd be contented with a pass. C
  
• Malay - Easy and hard at the same time. Easy, because I could answer almost all the questions immediately. Hard, because I had to write a lot of stuff. In fact, this is the first time I didn't have extra time to check my answers for Malay exams. A few of my friends didn't even manage to finish some of the questions. B
  
• Sejarah - Disastrous second paper (essays). Other than that, pretty much average (meaning passable). C
  
• English - My favourite. Ludicrously easy papers (at least for me). Whipped through both papers with a combined leftover time of two-and-a-half hours, leaving me enough time to think of stuff I wouldn't dare write for my essays! A
  
• Modern Mathematics - Easy, with a few (very few) hard questions. A
  
• Physics - My weakest of the three science subjects forced upon me. I was expecting the worst when I took my seat for the first of three papers, having failed every time I took the test this year, and almost laughed out loud. The paper was insanely easy. How easy? I could have answered (almost) every question correctly without any revision. It was so easy, it's actually harder trying to fail! B
  

Note: Words in colour are my expected grades.

That's all for this week and last week. More updates next week.

For now, I can only look forward to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when I finish my exams.

Live Long & Prosper,
May The Force Be With You,
Be At Peace With Death.

This week, the most important high school examination of my teenage years will take place... And I don't give a damn, well, not a lot.

Yes, folks, the SPM (Sijil Pengajian Tinggi) is right around the corner and I-DON'T-CARE.

The reason for my general apathy towards the whole thing is the fact that whatever happens in this test, not to mention the immense difficulty I have to go through to actually FAIL IT, I'll still move on to Form 6 next year.

So there, end of story, goodbye.

This week, I had the pleasure of watching two modern Malaysian made movies that were ACTUALLY GOOD!

Sepet: Excellent movie about love between two individuals with different skin tones (a particularly touchy subject here in Malaysia). Ahh... Watching this movie reminds me of the time when my primary school teacher reminded us NOT to marry Malays.

Quick Recap: Anyone who marries a Malay in this country MUST WITHOUT EXCEPTION, convert to Islam.

Back to the movie - I must say the director managed to somehow broach the subject very effectively without directly confronting overzealous government officials and censors. It did it in such a way, that if any aspersions from any official will result in political suicide.

Must watch for all Malaysians and the global audience at large.

Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam: Tired of Hollywood slashers or Hollywood remakes of Japanese horror or East Asian horror? Try something South-East Asian for a change.

This movie is based on an unfortunately all-too-real supernatural entity known in Malaysian folklore as the 'pontianak'. The closest thing to it in the West is the vampire.

But not close at all in my opinion.

A pontianak is born from a still born child, women who die while giving birth, and women who were killed by the pontianak or their spirits captured by them.

More info regarding pontianaks, who, believe me, are scarier than anything Dracula can throw out, can be found here.

Back to the movie - This movie is reminiscent of Dark Water (Japanese Version) where we actually empathise and even sympathize with the (somewhat murderous) specter. The scenes switch between the past and present fluidly and the acting here is excellent. My only gripe, and this is a tiny gripe, is that some of the CGI effects look fake.

But it's scary, believe me. It was so scary, I believe any male of the human race shown this movie will NEVER EVER lay a hand on women.

Definitely more effective than all periods of Moral Education in a lifetime.

Only for those who wish to learn more about Malaysian culture, want a good scare, and people who abuse their wives.

And that's all for Deepavali and Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Next post might or might not come next week, depending on (ahem... SPM) circumstances.

Oh, by the way, China make a clean sweep at the Hong Kong Badminton Open. - No comment.

US$50. That's the number today.

Before you feel the urge to label me another money-sucking capitalists, the US$50 refers to the plea from the World Wildlife Fund for Nature, which will be put to use in its efforts to protect the Amazon rainforest.

Why?

Because the cold fingers of mild guilt are brushing the inner linings of my stomach, causing mild discomfort, which could build up into nausea.

Basically, I don't have US$50.

But many of you do, and if you wish to save your home (literally), please find a place for the people, creatures, plants, and other denizens of the Amazons between that must-have Goblet of Fire poster and cowboy-boot-shaped potato chip.

On a cynically ironic note, tiger flu might not be so far fetched after all.

An article in North Malaysia's premier newspaper, The Star, caught my eye, in which people who normally handle chickens, e.g., the local chicken farmer who slaughters the meat for the market, don't get the (bird) flu.

This could mean 2 things:
1. These people's immune systems are significantly different than ours as a result of daily contact with birds.

or

2. Chickens aren't spreading the flu, but are totally innocent. Stray cats and dogs might have somehow contracted the bird flu and are spreading the disease in populated areas.

No matter what the conclusion will be, one thing is for sure:
Mess with nature long enough, and EVERYONE gets burned.

This week's Daily Show with Jon Stewart was pretty, for lack of a better word, fascinating. Let's just say if the Bush administration was trying to raise the American public's morale regarding the Iraq war, they failed spectacularly.

Americans, if you watched that episode, I hoped you realise you've just re-elected a moron to arguably the most powerful empire in the world.

On a lighter note, I realise writing this stuff down and knowing no politician in my country is reading it is quite a relief. This is due to the fact that I can be arrested under the Internal Security Act if I become too reckless with my choice of words.

More on my country's troubles later. But at least we haven't had any outbreaks of H5N1, yet. Oh, wait... That's because we actually export endangered species of birds instead of importing them for consumption like Vietnam & China. Well, at least that will stem the demand for exotic birds for a while.

I hope there's an outbreak of tiger flu next.

Hmm... I thought my year-and-a-half absence would automatically qualify my blog for the Grand Archive of Forgotten Stuff (aka Garbage Bin) of cyberspace. It seems Blogger doesn't have a limit on the amount of time that elapses before you next login. Very comforting...

A lot has changed and I too have changed, so I will first start by substituting my first drab template with a more colourful and eye-pleasing creation.

Hopefully, my next update won't take too long.

Until then,
Live Long & Prosper,
May The Force Be With You,
Be At Peace With Death.

This is my first ever posting on my very own BLOG! Welcome to all who visit. I've chosen a fairly simple template for my blog so that it will load faster. Not everyone has broadband you know. I hope to add more of my thoughts in the coming days?, weeks?, months?... Who knows. I'm just going to end my first posting with these words:
May The Force Be With You,
Live Long & Prosper.